Section 1- Fake It Till You Make It
In my many conversations with single friends (guys and gals) and clients alike, I’ve noticed a particular trend amongst most of them. Though all are asking for an amazing, dynamic romance in their lives, few of them are living “As If” it were happening right now. What I mean is that they are deeply entrenched in their jobs, their friends and daily drama and barely have time to eat properly, let alone make space for the relationship they’re asking for. By now, you’ve hopefully written down thoughtful details about the traits and characteristics of the woman you’re wanting in your life. You can even imagine what she’d feel like and the great times you’d create together. The problem is, there’s no space for this kind of woman in your life…yet. I want to begin by asking you to look in the mirror before you go out trolling for women.
I invite you to take inventory of some key aspects of your life:
1. How many hours do you spend working every day?
If you are a 50+ hours per week guy, where are you going to make the time to date someone you’re interested in? Since there are only so many hours in a day and I’ve yet to find a way to make more of it, everything comes down to making space within the time you have for your priorities. You find time to eat, brush your teeth (hopefully) and make money, so where’s the time for romance? If you’re packed to the gills with career responsibilities that take you away from your personal endeavors, then you may want to look to change some of that. This may come in the form of flexing your schedule to make some evenings open for dates (or leave late mornings open if you have late nights). Or you may need to practice delegating responsibilities to free up your time after hours to be more present and less occupied by your CrackBerry. I am not suggesting that you throw away the hard work that has landed you where you are in your job. Quite the contrary, I’m suggesting that you make some preemptive moves right now so that your work doesn’t fall by the wayside once you become completely blissed out in the throws of a new romance. It also signals to a prospective dating partner that you are balanced in your priorities and that you can and have made time in your life for a relationship. (You can read more on this in the Keeping Your Life Balanced course.) Of course, you could choose not to make any changes in your demanding career at all, but it means that you may be setting yourself up for feeling extremely overwhelmed when you find the romantic interest you’ve been searching for and possibly criticized by this woman for not having the time to devote to your dating life. I’m speaking from 10+ years of clinical experience here, but hey, you have the power to choose.
2. What does your house look like?
I’m not really focused on how flashy it is, I’m talking about whether it’s a space that she’d find inviting. We’ve written some curriculum on preparing your house that is worth a read. Beyond cleaning, removing particularly offensive material and putting some key things in place, I want to know about your practices at home. Do you do your work in bed? Do you pile things on the side of the bed where a woman may sleep? Do you go to bed without your teeth brushed or in gross pajamas? Hopefully by now, you have read enough (or intuitively know) that these are not the kinds of things that are going to be attractive to a potential mate. Your bedroom is for sex and sleep only. Your bed should be a comfortable, clutter-free space that says “Come hither…” You should treat yourself and your space “As If” you already are in a relationship. Then again, for some of you, going to bed without proper hygiene or taking your pizza there to eat is habitual. Let me point out that though you may be asking for a certain kind of woman, I don’t know many women that would accept this kind of invitation. Start creating those good habits now. This gets you in the mode of thinking and acting in the same way that you would if you were in a partnership so that you don’t have to make a mass cleanup of your porn magazines T-minus 2 hours before a date.
3. What are you doing with your free time?
You likely fall into one of two categories: either you have no social life or it is so packed with stuff that you barely have time for anyone. In either situation, you are not signaling that you have the time and the setup for a partner in your life. For those of you with little to no social life, if you have not made some strides to develop your Social Market, please think about doing this, PRONTO. Doing so will not only put you in a target rich environment to meet women, but it will give you a life and some interests outside of dating. The balance is essential so that you a diversified, non-desperate life. She wants an interesting man that will add interesting things to her life. Get on it. If you’re the guy that packs his life with so many events or time with the guys, where’s the time for a lady? Again, I’m asking you to Fake It Till You Make It. This means doing the kinds of things that you’d want to be doing with a woman. Though you may not be keen to holding hands for a sunset stroll with one of your buddies, closing down the bar every weekend is hardly a signal that you’re ready for some quieter moments. Develop your Social Market to include activities that you’d want to do with a woman (i.e. outdoor activities, wine tasting, traveling). This puts you too in target rich environments and creates the social network that will support the lifestyle you want to build with a romantic interest. Again, I’m not saying that you have to take drastic measures to remove all guy time from your life or quit doing the things you love. I am saying that making some room for these kinds of activities and putting yourself in these situations prepares you for the lifestyle you’re asking for (whatever that may be).
4. What are you doing with your health and wellness?
Again, I see so many guys who are asking for a Goddess, but are acting and looking like Jabba the Hut. Hopefully you’ve received the message by now that you need to show up in ways that you’re asking a woman to present herself. Don’t jump to extremes; you don’t need to look like a gladiator or use this as an excuse for why you’re not meeting women. I am simply saying that if you’re asking a woman to look good and take care of herself, then you should do the same. Making some improvements to your health regimen in the form of exercise or a better diet is not only going to improve your confidence and energy levels, but will signal to a prospective partner that you value yourself enough to practice proper self-care. See my lesson on Confidence for more on this.
In conclusion, think of acting “As If” you already have a woman in your life. Your life should be a reflective image of what you want to see in her and the lifestyle that you want to have. Fake it until you actually make it to the relationship you want to be in. Making some changes to your schedule, your lifestyle choices and your social life will act like a giant broadcasting system, signaling that you are ready for the kind of things you’re asking for…and remember to have fun with it!