Section 4- A Major League Close
By: Jessica and the First 10 Minutes Team
If you’ve been following our blogs and awesome materials here at the First 10 Minutes we assume you’ve gotten past the hard part of approach: you broke the ice and you expressed your interest in her through asking questions and listening closely. Now comes the ever crucial close and you’re wondering how to do this with class and dignity. Lucky for you, you have us and the female perspective that your competition doesn’t.
First, let’s review. Your close has everything to do with how things have gone so far. Take an inventory:
*Has she engaged in steady conversation with you?
*Has she sustained eye contact?
*Has she had any physical contact with you or given you some of the positive indicators of interest we talk about in our Body Language material? (i.e. touching your leg or your arm)
*Has she asked you questions about yourself?
*Has she laughed at your jokes?
If you answered “no” to most of these, chances are, you need to pay attention to her cues and be willing to back away with class. Should you choose to ignore what she’s trying to tell you, you run the risk of pushing yourself on her and demonstrating neediness and desperation. If you still persist, you very well could wind up making her feel unsafe, offending her and possibly creating a scene and really ruining things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed men completely misjudge obvious cues of disinterest or approaching inappropriately (i.e. grabbing her when she’s already talking to someone else, continuing to grind up against her on the dance floor after she’s tried to get away, or groping her body) and become downright angry when his advances are rejected. DO NOT make this mistake.
I feel very strongly about this and want to emphasize how classless and undignified this is. This is where some of your counterparts have given your gender a bad name. Just because she is not interested in you does not give you the right to tell her off or become aggressive toward her. If she’s behaving in a nasty or inappropriate way, chances are, she felt unsafe in your presence or has felt unsafe in the presence of men who’ve approached her in the past. Regardless, don’t push it and be wiling to walk away with character. See it as the learning experience that it is; tell her it was nice to meet her and exit the situation. Defending your honor at that point (likely in the presence of her friends) is a sign of a bruised ego that is neither appealing nor attractive. Highly aggressive or agitated responses are an indicator that you’re seeing this as more than it really is. If you’re finding yourself overly reactive if she does not respond to you, I will suggest that you look at our Self Esteem materials, as no one woman’s reaction to you determines your worth. You will benefit from feeling better about yourself first before looking to a woman (or anyone for that matter) to validate you.
By the way: I see this mostly in the presence of mass consumption of alcohol, when rationale is gone and judgment is impaired. Note to self: limit your consumption of alcohol- no one is at their best when they are drunk. Besides, no one looks their best either, so even though you may feel like 100 bucks, you’re more like 20 bucks at best.
Going back to the inventory questions I posed earlier…if you answered “yes” to the majority of them, then she has given you cues that indicate that you are on your way to sealing the deal. Here’s how to do it in a respectful, yet interested way.
Don’t be afraid to end your time together on a premature up note. What I mean by this is that you want to build some anticipation and intrigue. Make her want to know more about you by showing that you have other places to be and other people to talk to (even if you don’t). We are interested in interesting people and if you close down the bar with her or ditch your friends in order to hang out with her from the very beginning, she is going to sense your desperation. Intrigue and mystery are sexy (remember this is one of the crucial elements we address in our Mastering the Dating Experience material and allowing it to build throughout the course of your dating experience will keep things exciting and edgy.
Also, think in advance of where you may want to invite a prospective date. Don’t expect to be able to think logically and clearly when your anxiety is high or your hormones are raging. Have a few fun and lighthearted options that you would consider doing on a date. Your participation in our Social Market will provide you with loads of diverse, non-threatening and interesting options. The reason why a group option is so solid is because of a little thing called diffusion. Your attention is diffused amongst the group and, therefore, it’s not as intense as one on one. Since she will bring a friend, you will both have support around you and this decreases the pressure to connect. It also gives you (and her) an easy “out” should you fail to vibe any further.
Feel free to borrow some of the following lines to have this be a casual, non-event that allows her to offer her information to you:
*I’ve had such a great time talking to you…I have to meet up with a friend right now, but how may I contact you later so that we can continue our conversation?
*I haven’t had such a great conversation with someone in a long time, I’m wondering if you’d like to come hang out with me and my friends at/on **insert interesting event here**. Feel free to bring a friend; it will be a great time.
- Note: if she balks at this option or if you sense that this event is not her thing, have a backup plan in mind. This also gives the sense that you are a busy guy with a robust social life = INTERESTING!
A word about asking for digits: don’t make a commitment to call her on a specific day if you can’t remember or uphold this commitment. Believe me when I say that we listen carefully to your declarations and will hold you to them. You will lose points if you don’t call on the day you specified. If you enter her phone number in your phone, do yourself the favor of calling the number right then, just to be sure you have it right. (I can’t tell you of how many botched numbers have been carelessly entered in an intoxicated or overly excited frenzy). One more thing… if you don’t intend to call her, for Pete’s sake (who is Pete anyway?) don’t ask for it then. You may think that you’re attempting to close this gracefully, but find another way to back out with class. Remember, you may not be interested in her, but who’s to say that she doesn’t have a great sister, roommate or cousin that is right up your alley? Integrity is important and your reputation is a hard thing to win back once it’s been tarnished in the invisible black book.
Ok, so now comes the actual parting of ways and that awkward/exciting wonder of how you’re going to handle it. How you manage this depends on what you want from this point forward. If you’re simply looking for a fun/ playful/ physical exchange, then continue to flirt and look for indicators of her interest in you. At some point, you will give her the sense through verbal and non-verbal cues that this is your intention. If getting her to bed is your desire, then there are plenty of pick up artist websites for you to comb for ideas on that subject.
On the other hand, if she is someone that you see yourself wanting to see again, play it safe and save any big moves for physical contact for later. If you’re feeling chemistry, it will be there next time along with the anticipation that’s been able to build up in the meantime. Even if you have the sense that she’d reciprocate your advancement, let her think about what this will be like until next time you meet. Plus, you won’t ever be judged for attempting to prematurely sexualize her. Another advantage to this strategy is that if you were the only one feeling an attraction, you save face by avoiding the ever-awkward face turn. A firm and warm hug (not the gyrating body kind or the A-frame, stiff kind) will score you points. Follow it with a smile and a genuine look in the eyes and voila! You’ve established a connection, demonstrated class, some restraint and set the stage for anticipatory excitement.
I hope that this information has been helpful for you, and we’ll offer more in the realm of your first phone conversation and first few dates to get you moving. Are you smiling? You should be…this is meant to be a good time!