Married-Sexual Skillset

Try it Out

By:  Jessica



By now, you’ve hopefully done some thinking and exploration of your sexual preferences and desires and those of your partner’s as well.  If not, stop here and do not pass GO until you’ve had a talk with her about this topic.  If you’re stalling and avoiding this discussion, then practicing more of what you’ve been doing is not a new experience.  We could teach you how to spin her like a top, but if she neither finds that fun or safe to do with you, your trick does no good.  Besides, if you come home one day with a brand new set of skills and you haven’t talked about it, she may jump to some unsavory conclusions about where you’ve been dipping your tip lately.


It may even take more than one talk to get into some material that you can use.  If you have not had open and honest communication about this in the past, doing so may open up some long and weighty corridors.  Never fear brave men!  This is probably one of the hardest parts to get through.  Not because the act itself is dangerous or horrible, but the perceived fear of it is.  Getting past your (and her) hesitations and reservations about this topic will pave the way for more open and frequent communication in the future.  Be sure to practice those listening skills I’ve spoken about, as this tends to be a super-sensitive topic that requires a great deal of safety to facilitate.  Do your very best not to interrupt, to reflect back what you hear her saying and DO NOT become defensive.  If you want her to reveal more of the secrets to what tickles and wiggles her, she must have the sense that you’re asking to know more and thereby enhance your relationship.  Look at this as a lab technician would, take mental (if not real) notes about what you’re hearing for use during your next experiment.


Remember to keep in mind that getting past your historical ways of touching and connecting with one another is going to take some practice.  As creatures of habit, we tend to do the same things over and over again because it’s familiar and comfortable.  Think about it, when was the last time that you introduced something new (i.e. a technique, props/ toys, positions, scene) into your sexual relationship? You may want the kind of adventurous lifestyles you see in your internet searches, but have you done anything to make it happen?  Complaining that what you have is not what you want guarantees more of the same.  Having the courage to talk about and try something different makes for a different experience and opens up further possibilities.


Now, donning your lab coat is time to put to practice what she’s revealed to you.  Don’t think that you have to do everything at once, go slow.  Too much too quickly may feel overwhelming and may close things up.  Start with something safe like how she likes to be touched.  You don’t have to wait until you are naked to touch her in this way, you can use this information when you go to hug her, give her a backrub or kiss.  The way she responds to you is going to give you the most immediate indicator of whether you’ve hit the mark (signs such as a smile, a reciprocal touch and groans/ moans are a big thumbs up).


Once you play with this a bit, you can move it to your bedroom play.  As always, don’t limit your exploration to the sexual organs; we are sensory beings and appreciate when our entire bodies are stimulated.  As I mentioned before, her body language will indicate her level of pleasure, but don’t be afraid to ask.  You can do this is a smooth way such as “How do you like that?”  “Do you want more of that?”  “Tell me how that feels…”  You may not be versed at asking questions or even talking in bed, but remember women are verbal communicators and you’re on the hunt for more clues about how to get more Scooby snacks.



You can then move to some of the other indicators she’s offered to you about the type of setting, scene and environment that she likes.  Again, there’s no need to do it all at once, a few things go a long way.  Besides, while you’re practicing some new ways of being intimate with one another, there’s too much to consider if you try to do it all.  Focus on a few to ensure that you are in the present and focused on your new experiment, not in your head and on details that will take you away from the moment.


Another important factor:  if you receive the feedback that she doesn’t like something, don’t give up.  Like I mentioned in the Ask Her article, she may not have explored her own likes and pleasures enough to accurately describe them to you.  If you try something new (even if she said that it’s something that gives her pleasure) that isn’t doing it for her, ask how you could do it differently.  This is something that many men have a REALLY hard time doing.  PLEASE leave your egos and your need to be THE BEST at the door.  You both have things to learn and both can make adjustments to enhance your partner’s pleasure.


The trust and safety that’s needed to openly explore these topics can only happen if you’re willing to receive feedback and input without defensiveness and taking things personally.  Remember that you two are playing on the same team and the point here is to have a more pleasurable experience and a deeper connection with one another.  As the man in the relationship, you set the tone for this adventure and you have the ability to keep it open and fun or scary and locked down.  If you feel yourself getting tense, be kind to yourself and remember to breathe.  For many of you, this is new territory and some unfamiliar feelings (or maybe some old ones) may arise.  This is not an indicator that you should cease your efforts.  These shadows are likely one of the barriers that’s preventing a more joyous sexual experience.


Continue along your list of items that she’s shared with you, from what makes her feel sexy and turned on to how she likes to orgasm.  Be willing to introduce more questions and don’t think you just have to stick with the information she’s given you.  Now that the door has been opened to sharing more, this will offer the safety to explore further.  Another note of caution:  just because you may get to the point where things like phone sex and animalistic quickies are a pastime, doesn’t mean that you can take this as a cue to do something much more radical without introducing it to her first (i.e. a threesome, heavy bondage, public sex).  When you take things to another level, communication is necessary if she’s going to feel open to consideration.  This doesn’t mean that you have to premeditate spontaneous expressions; it simply means that you need to build up to the more adventurous stuff.


We’ll get to that in good time, young Jedi.  This step takes some serious practice and lots of communication.  Unlike your diligent work on motors, strategies or video games, you’re dealing with another human being who is dealing with her own new explorations of you.  There’s no need to rush here, enjoy the ride my friend.