In a recent conversation with a friend of mine who teaches sex education and tantra, we spoke about the anxiety that men experience during sexual encounters. Especially for those in long term relationships, there appears to be somewhat of an epidemic of sexual deprivation that leads to rushed and pressured experiences. She explained that many men who come to her for assistance explain that they feel as if they need to take what they can, when they can, for they are unsure about when they will “get some” again. This kind of approach creates an unease and lack of safety that’s necessary for satisfying sensuality.
I want to say that I have a great deal of compassion for you guys and the strain that surrounds your sexual expression. So much has been made of women’s oppression and marginalization that we have all but forgotten about how this has impacted each of you. The backlash that men have experienced over the generations around the subjugation of women needs to progress if we truly want to liberate ourselves from our histories. I feel very passionately about giving men the safety and space to freely speak about their sexual desires without the shame and guilt often associated with it. Instead of dishonoring or blaming you for having the drive that you have, I want to let you know that it’s ok.
The male and female species have separate hard wired structures that lead to different desires and biological drives. We are not the same and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to generate sameness in the way that we express and satiate our sexuality. These differences lead to power struggles, for the biological drive to “spread seeds” butts up against monogamist ways and can lead to many hardships between couples.
One way to combat this is to understand the differences in our drives and structures and work with instead of against this grain. This isn’t to say that all are suited or should shift toward polygamous relationships. It means that for those who have chosen to be in committed, long term, monogamous relationships, that there are ways to keep sexual vitality and passion alive. We intend to give you tools and ideas to reclaim this in your partnership, for you have more responsibility here than you may think.
I oftentimes hear men claiming that they are at the mercy of women’s desire for sex and I couldn’t disagree more. This perception almost puts you in a place of victimhood and resentment, anger and frustration can result. This perception that she is withholding from you because she wants to punish you is something that needs to be done away with. Though women do not have the same biological drive as you do, we do enjoy sexuality…a lot. As men, you have the reins to foster the safety and comfort needed for us to want to open ourselves up to you. The control is really in your hands….literally.
Your hands are often the first part of you that reaches out to her. You guys come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but by and large, you are bigger than we are. Our bone structure and therefore our sensitivity to touch is different than yours. Men don’t often take this into consideration when approaching a woman. She isn’t one of your buddies that you can slug in the arm or wrestle around with. She’s not a piece of machinery or equipment that you are supposed to handle. Her tissues are soft and sensitive and need to be treated with care and delicacy. That is, unless you are in for a good ol’ animalistic romp, which is always fun.
Consider how you go about approaching her with your hands and the intention that you hold in your mind when you reach for her. Women are sensitive to sensation and this includes the mindset you have when you touch her. For instance, if you are anxious and pressured, your touch will reveal that. When you are calm and relaxed, your touch will reveal that too. Anxiety and sexuality do not belong in the same sentence, let alone in the same room. Stress, strain and pressure make us clinch up and provoke that Flight or Fight response I spoke about in the Managing your Anxiety material. Though you may manage to come, it will often be quick, explosive and not very satisfying.
When women get the sense that you are approaching her with this intention, she may often respond less than favorably. She may go along with your desires, but it does not create the safety and security that is most conducive to mutual pleasure and really letting go. The release of that pent up energy can be very satisfying and exciting, but doesn’t have to end in 6 minutes. I’m not saying that each of your exchanges needs to be a 2 hour session, but there is something to be said for a slower buildup and more gratifying and lasting release.
I want to invite you to touch her in an entirely different way.
- Take a deep breath and try to release any tension that you’re holding in your body, you don’t want to transfer this to her.
- Gently and slowly reach out to her and feel her skin beneath your hand. Start with a place such as her shoulder and move your hand slowly down her arm, smoothly and with easy pressure (don’t squeeze, but don’t tickle either). Pay attention to how nice it feels to connect with her body and feel your appreciation for her willingness to allow your touch.
- Move to a place such as the small of her back and offer a similar touch, with a bit of firmness and pull her waist slowly closer to yours. Keep breathing and remember to remain relaxed. Even if you find yourself getting excited and aroused, remain calm and feel the sensation spread throughout your whole body (instead of having it only be focused on your genitals).
- As you pull her into you, feel the warmth of your bodies and the heat that you’re generating together. Keep breathing.
- Offer her more touches, with different degrees of softness and firmness, keeping slow and steady in non-sexual areas such as her neck (be delicate here), her scalp, her hips (don’t go toward her crotch) and her belly.
- It’s important that she doesn’t feel that you’re rushing or using this as obligatory touch toward her genitalia. Remember that this is an exercise in exploration and a time to pay attention to how you’re feeling and how she’s responding. You may notice that she offers a slight moan or giggle, an arch of her back or a sway closer to you. These are indicators of pleasure, so pay attention to what you’re doing in those moments…she likes it.
- Keep eye contact and direct all of your focus on noticing small details like her fingertips, the nape of her neck and the curve of her spine. Approach this like you would a puzzle or a memory game where you’re trying to capture details and specifics.
- You may offer your own sounds of pleasure in response to hers and can ask her questions such as “Do you like that?” “How does that feel?” “Show me where it feels good” Be willing to hear her response openly and without judgment, she’s offering you valuable feedback that you can use.
- Throughout this exploration, offer some soft kisses on her neck, her cheeks, eyelids and other non-conventional places. Back off and go back to your touch to keep her guessing. Breathe slowly into her neck and near her ears so that she can feel the heat of your mouth.
- Not that you have to avoid breast and genital touch, but do your best to remain exploring her entire body. If this is not usual for you, she’ll wonder about the change in tactic and may even encourage you to touch her in those erogenous zones. Be willing to resist going for the gold and insist that she just receive your touch for awhile.
Practice this exploration at least once weekly. Breathing is essential to this exercise and will slow you down if you feel the impulse to speed it up. Slow rhythms will add enticement and excitement to your exchange. When you offer this kind of comfort and safety, she’ll be much more likely to offer the same to you. Most of all, release your expectations and simply enjoy yourself. Get out of your head, the past and anything else that may prohibit you from offering your full attention. Be here and now.