Married- Sexual Skillset
Ask Yourself
By: Jessica
There is so much shame and taboo surrounding our sexual expressions that it’s no wonder we struggle so much with talking to our partners about our sexual desires. We have a hard time even coming to terms with what we want for ourselves, let alone have the courage to speak up to one another. Why is this?
Let’s start with you guys…there are loads of reasons and conditioning that plays into your silence, starting with some of your early sexual encounters. Where do most men learn about sex and sexuality? Porn. Yes, the ever-realistic, always accurate, end all and be all of sexual expression. Not that I’m against watching well endowed men contort models into impossible sexual positions and examining close ups of their pink parts…it’s simply not an accurate reflection of human sexuality.
Rather than entertainment, it’s become educational material for men and creates expectations that are difficult, if not impossible to live up to. This not only goes for your expectations of women’s bodies, what we enjoy and how we prefer to be touched, but for your own expectations of your bodies, your sexual capacities and your ability to satisfy women as well. When you start to compare yourselves to those who depend on lighting, makeup, angles and fluffers to look the way they do, you set yourself up for feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency.
Beyond porn, another learning ground is your parents. You may have witnessed the gamut, ranging from close to asexual behavior to the too much information category. At least for those from TMI households, you likely had permission to ask and explore your sexual nature, hopefully without humiliation and shame. For others, sex may have been used as a weapon of abuse or a pawn used to withhold affection when one partner misbehaved. These visions were formative, for you witnessed how men express their sexuality, how women respond to their husband’s advances and how they relate to another as sexual beings.
The messages you received from your parents and other influential entities are another crucial part of how your sexuality was formed. Maybe you were really convinced that if you handled yourself one more time that you’d go blind…or maybe that it would fall off entirely. Let’s not forget to mention that for many, if not most of you, you had a knife taken to your covered wagon as one of your earliest memories of your manhood. No wonder there’s so much fear! Again, I do have the utmost amount of compassion for your experiences. There are others of you who may have received various messages from religious or other dogma that embedded guilt and fear deep within you.
If you were fortunate to have had a positive sexual encounter for the first time, then you are in the minority. Unfortunately, I hear of both men and women lament in their early encounters that were colored by peer pressure, manipulation and humiliation. Couple this with the fear of life threatening diseases, STD’s and pregnancy, and it’s no wonder why these aren’t such joyous memories.
Flash forward to the fluctuating dynamics of male-female relationships today. With traditional roles and functions changing faster than we can accurately write about them, it’s difficult to know an appropriate course of action. There are no longer set guidelines that most follow to serve as a blueprint for behavior. In conducting interviews for this site, it has become evident that there is a wide and ever-changing range of agreements and arrangements amongst partners today. In the age of backlash against men for their role in contributing to the suppression of women’s rights and sexual expression, men have become suppressed themselves. Fearful of what the repercussions may be for expressing their sexual desires, many have silently suffered and concealed their true nature.
Thankfully, we are living amidst a social climate allows for more freedom for individual expression than ever before, but requires a great deal of communication and openness. This evolution contributes to expanding liberties and our technological advancements grant us access to a wider scope of information than ever before. This allows you, for instance, to access this information with the privacy and anonymity that may have prevented you from seeking guidance in the past. We want you to know that there is no shame in owning and acknowledging your sexuality and your desires. Our intention is for this site to be an arena where you can safely go to get your questions answered with dignity and integrity.
I want to encourage you to begin to tap into what would really satisfy you. Before you jump quickly to a “Threesome!” answer, I want you to give this some thought. Your answers are not going to be revealed to anyone. You are not being pressured or influenced by anyone in this moment. Give some thought as to what you really enjoy about your sexual experiences. Do you enjoy the feeling of being in control? Is it the physical sensation of release that’s most enjoyable to you? Are you most satisfied by giving or receiving? What is it about being close to a woman that you enjoy the most? Do you prefer slow and soft or rough and hard? What do you like about how you feel post-lovemaking? Make a list of the aspects that you enjoy, prefer and desire the most. You may or may not ever decide to share this with your partner, it is really for you.
You can’t expect your woman to know what you like and want if you don’t first identify it for yourself. Reflect upon this list and know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it…nothing. It’s simply your desires, your kinks. No judgment allowed here. I know that most of you have probably never given this much detailed thought into what has formulated your sexuality, let alone what specifically you enjoy about sex (beyond that it feels good). This exploration is crucial if you want to understand what may be blocking you from being more comfortable in your sexual expression or asking your partner to touch you and pleasure you in a way that is satisfying to you.
Next, I encourage you to read my next article, Ask Her about some of the factors that may have influenced her sexuality and definition of sensuality. Having some understanding of one another will facilitate a more open and safe discussion of this topic. If you found that this material was particularly painful, I want to support you in seeking some outside guidance to help you get through and heal the past. These are not easy topics and sometimes some additional help is what’s needed to keep moving forward…
