What Makes Women Run (and Hide)
By: Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team
By now, you have some clues (hopefully) about the kinds of things that help women feel safe and why this is an important part of our biological makeup. I am not usually a fan of telling people what not to do, as I favor putting things in the form of the affirmative. However, knowing what some of the glaring red lights are and what women interpret from them may be helpful in understanding our thought process a bit more.
As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, safety is much broader than physical protection and reduction of harm. It encompasses emotional as well as psychological wellbeing. We make 100’s of automatic assessments, interpretations and assertions in an effort to ensure our health, safety and to maximize our happiness, now and in the future. Men make these assessments as well, just on different criteria like whether a woman will make a good bearer and caretaker of his children. We are constantly taking in information, visually, verbally and energetically to determine our safety to open ourselves up physically and emotionally to the opposite sex.
Here are some things that we see as absolute red flags (translation: if any of these describe you or your behavior, consider making some changes and look to our site for further assistance).
- Anger problems. This does not mean that if you have ever had trouble managing anger in the past, that you’re out of the picture, but we want to know that you’ve rehabilitated and established new ways of expressing yourself. We want to know that you’ve learned from your past choices and have taken time to make healthier decisions. However, if you still have that angry edge to you, this will signal to her that you may still be unsafe and volatile.
- Long history of short, dramatic relationships. This signals that you could do the same with the new gal in your life and she’ll wonder why you have difficulty sustaining relationships and developing intimacy. It can’t always be the psycho chick’s fault…after all, you attracted them into your life. This feels unsafe for a new woman because she may wonder what her shelf life is and how long it may take until she’s your new ex-girlfriend. See my track on Dealing With Baggage for more help on how to get through your past to establish the kind of connection you really want.
- Incessant calling, texting or emailing. This is considered stalking by many and is just plain unacceptable. This is neither dignified nor attractive behavior. Neediness will drive women away or attract the kind that is just as desperate…sounds like a gargantuan pot of drama soup to me. My material on confidence will give you more insight. You have to be willing to walk away if she’s not returning your advances. Not only do you deserve someone who wants and appreciates you, but compromising yourself for the sake of the recognition of one woman is not in your best interest. Keep your decorum and self-respect and move on.
- Chronic money problems. Again, this doesn’t mean that a period of financial challenge will blacklist you. Chronic and troublesome finances may signal a deeper struggle with your relationship to money. With traditional gender roles rapidly shifting and changing, most women today do not expect to be catered to and eternally provided for. What most do want, however, is a financial partner to collaborate with and create their desired lifestyle together. Finances are one of the major causes of marital discord. An unwillingness to address a long history of fiscal problems can scare her about how this may manifest in an unstable future (I told you we are constantly thinking in the future, didn’t I?)
- Doggy Dog need a Jobby Job. Incessant issues staying employed or having major issues playing nicely with co-workers, colleagues or bosses. We’re all for you moving on if something isn’t suiting you (we’ve all made a choice or two like that in our lives), but the concern is when you cease to learn from your choices and continue to replay the same track over and over again. Whether this is due to an underlying difficulty with authority or communication challenges, this is not only a interpersonal concern, but a financial one as well. Even beyond this, I would even come to question whether a man really knows himself well enough to put himself in healthy and supportive environments that are going to help him thrive. This is a peek into his internal stability and relationship with himself as well.
- Addictions. This goes for all kinds…gambling, sex, drugs, spending, alcohol, tobacco. The dependency on an outside entity for fulfillment, to numb or distract you can signal inner discontent and emotional instability. Justifying or denying the issue is to delay making the changes necessary to cope with the cause of your pain in a more adaptive way. She will be looking into the crystal ball of the future and wonder what her life as the partner of an addict will look like: Broke? Abused? Alone? These are the opposite of security and she’ll think twice before getting involved. My lesson on When to Ask for Help will guide you about where and when to seek professional assistance.
- Bitter, severed family relationships. We all have those family members that we’d rather not call family. Just because we have genetic ties to them doesn’t mean that we can relate or want to associate with them. Perhaps you have overly dramatic, abusive or non-supportive family members and choose not to have close affiliations with them. If your choice for distance is because it is in your best interest not to associate with their problems, then this is a healthy and adaptive decision. However, if you carry baggage in the form of bitterness, resentment and anger toward them, this can signal that you’re not over it, you’re simply avoiding the issue. Reconciliation is not always possible or desirable, but your choice to harbor negative feelings is. She will see this as a red flag because she’s wondering if you’d potentially turn your back on her and your future family one day. Refer back to my Dealing With Baggage course for more.
Those are the biggies, but please don’t read this to mean that any history with these discounts you from a shot with a new woman. Even if you’re in the midst of dealing with one of these challenges, but you are making strides to get through and past them still does not mean you’re disqualified. In fact, your willingness to recognize the struggle and your courage to do something about it shows dedication and tenacity that women appreciate. Perfection (whatever that means) is not the ultimate prize. A man’s capacity to use his past, including painful choices as fodder for future healthy decisions is admirable and will earn you respect and admiration.