Married- Better Deal: Romance
How Women Receive Love
So, you’ve taken close notes on what to do, you’ve taken our advice, you’ve listened to gurus and read the books…so why is your woman not responding like you think she should? Please keep in mind that all of us so-called relationship experts all have opinions to offer and speak in generalizations that will work most of the time with most people. This is no substitute for using your own brain, your own sense of your relationship and what you know to be true about yourself for guidance. That being said, I want to suggest that you do an inventory of what your partner is attempting to tell you with her behavior.
Most often, people express love and care in ways that they want to receive it themselves. So, here’s a test: when you want to give your partner a sign of your affection, how do you do it?
- Verbal praise
- Physical affection
- Tasks, chores, help with daily living/ acts of service
- Material goods or gifts
- Undivided, quality time
Chances are, you chose a way that you like to receive it, not necessarily in a way she appreciates it. In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he outlines these as the five primary ways that humans give and receive love. The premise is that we typically speak the love language that appeals mostly to us, not necessarily the language that our partner speaks. Therefore, though you may be speaking a language that you’ve mastered and appreciate, your tones may be falling on deft ears to your partner who speaks an entirely different language.
Chapman does not suggest that all couples need to prefer the same language in order to have a successful relationship. He does, however, state that you need to recognize what you prefer and what your partner prefers in order to learn to speak each other’s languages and communicate your love in a way that the other can receive it. By understanding what your partner appreciates, you can express your love and affection for her in a way that she can easily recognize.
For example, you may appreciate physical affection and may want to express your love for her by approaching her in a sensual way. If this is not the primary love language she speaks, she may mistake your advances as simply attempting to get what you want, and is not expressed in a way that she can receive. However, if you recognize that she speaks the language of tasks, chores and help, then you can do these things for her and she will recognize them as an extension of your affection. Once she feels understood and she understands that you speak primarily the language of physical affection, she will express her love to you in this way. However, if she doesn’t recognize that this is your primary language, she may make the mistake of speaking to you in the language of tasks and chores, which, though you appreciate, is not what really resonates and registers to you. Therefore, recognizing what your partner prefers is essential to communicating your love in an effective way.
Take inventory of what your partner appreciates. Listen to what she most often requests of you and what she is most responsive to. You can also ask her directly about her preferred language or read the book together. Most people have a primary and a secondary language, but one stands out more. By speaking each other’s languages, you will feel fulfilled and ready to speak to your partner in a way that the other appreciates. When you are full, you are more poised to give. When you are not getting what you want, you feel depleted and you are apt to conserve your resources and feel resentful that your partner is not expressing love to you. Open up this topic to her and you will earn major points by showing that you want to learn to speak her language and watch her become bilingual overnight.