Primitive Brain Lesson 3:
Taking a Look From His Side
This lesson is designed to help you to recognize how primitive brain is influencing your side of the coin. It is also to help to begin to tie her perspective to yours and how the two of you begin to create the balance and dance of creating attraction and sexual tension. As you begin to understand how primitive brain affects your decision making processes, it will help to clarify some of the confusing influences you have in your life as well as to help you to understand your self imposed limitations and anxieties.
You are already aware of how the fight of flight response affects the body. The part you may not be aware of is that the response to physical pain and rejection is almost the identical areas of the brain firing. We open with this because it is interesting to see the correlation of ancient male and the skills that they needed to develop to ensure the passing on of their genes and how that can effect us in modern society.
Just as females were forced in the caveman days to group up, males were in the same boat. Though they stood a better chance of survival on their own they obviously were not able to procreate without having a woman in their life. Males are driven by the same two core drives: Survival and propagation.
That being said physiologically we have developed differently than women. It is important that you realize that women are not smaller less hairy versions of men. Even in the womb we develop differently and our brains are chemically doused differently. Most people are aware of the basics that women have much higher concentrations of estrogen and males are doused much higher with testosterone, but the affect of those chemical influences is a mystery for most. Besides the obvious physical differences, the way we process information and the way we react to the primitive drives that influence our decisions is different.
Let’s travel back in time again. Males driven by survival and propagation had to develop their own skills. First they had to physically endure the act of survival. As the larger of the species, they were the hunters and protectors as we have already established. We developed a stronger sense of focus and the skills necessary to problem solve. Even as basic as figuring out how to use a spear to stab another animal so it would die and we could eat it is a learned skill and something we needed to perfect. Along with the external skills males had to adapt to the social workings within the clans. As we said though they had a better chance of survival outside of a clan or tribe, it was much easier to survive in a group. Obviously it was in their best interest to demonstrate value and rank high within the clan (think Alpha Male).
The next area beyond survival is propagation. Well, as we have already discussed the females of the clan were looking for males that were genetically strong and that would be demonstrated by their ranking in the clan as well as their ability to provide resources.
Okay, if one of the primary drivers of a species is to spread your seed so that your genes can be passed on, what do you think the repercussions of being denied this act? Again we are not the descendants of the individuals who were not capable of socially interacting. We are also not the descendants of the individuals who could not problem solve. So naturally the primitive brain that we possess today is going to be very linear in the way it functions. It is going to want to be able to see the result of behaviors. It is also going to want to know the answer to questions preferably before they are forced to ask.
Back to the question of the repercussions. If you were unable to procreate and pass on your genes it is going to mean the failure of one of your primary purposes. So again quite naturally, nature if you want to use a generic term, is going to make that failure an uncomfortable experience. What better way to make sure that we are driven to procreate then to make rejection an experience closely related to physical pain? Something we are preprogrammed based on our own survival to avoid at all costs. And of course the actual act of accomplishing the goal a pleasurable one.
Today, just as then men often suffer physical response to rejection and do everything they can to avoid it (we talk a lot more about this in the Approach Anxiety course). But, there are the other factors that have an influence on us such as the drive to rank well in the society we are claiming as our clan. That being said; males could not afford to have their status in the pack affected so they had to develop the skills and coping mechanisms to defend themselves amongst other men in the clan for all the same reasons we discussed in the female perspective just from the opposite side of the coin. They were the ones that had to prove that they were socially adept enough to provide and protect and that they were willing to stick around and make sure that once the woman decided to mate with him that he would remain with her and make sure that she would have a secure environment. This actually took skill because once the woman was pregnant she was even more vulnerable then normal, because now she was not only smaller, she was even less mobile. So making the wrong mating choice was a disaster for women.
Though the environment for these men was much harsher, they actually had it a bit easier than we do in modern society as far as the mental effects and influences of selection and being selected. Smaller clans and no internet or television to expand their knowledge of what is potentially their competition gave them the advantage of knowing what they needed to do to be selected. They were also not distracted and delusional the way we are with the belief that we have to compete with every male on the planet. Something we can learn from our ancestors don’t you think? This is part of the reason why we know that you do not have to be all things to all women; you only need to provide the woman you are interested in a better deal than the deal she CURRENTLY has and nothing more.
I’m back…I want to highlight this last point; PLEASE save yourself the anxiety and pain involved with the quest for perfection that simply doesn’t exist. Some of the most beautiful people I’ve known are some the most inept at relationships and intimacy; conversely, some of the most successful people in relationships aren’t very good looking or don’t have much of a pot to piss in…don’t buy into the misnomer that you aren’t deserving of relationships until you have it all figured out. You don’t have to have “it all”, whatever that is. You DO have to know yourself and present your best you.
We talked about the drives of women that lead them to seek out genetically superior men, well men on the flip side of that had their own drives. They would have the drive to plant their seeds in as many gardens as possible. The difference was that men didn’t want anyone else to be able to plant their seeds because then it would be competition to his offspring. Innately we were driven to seek out genetically superior women and do our best to be given the right to impregnate her. Again not because we are naturally born dogs, it is because we are driven by the need to propagate and the need to create genetically superior offspring. We as well were influenced by physical attributes such as hip to waist ratio, age, and physical attributes favorable to surviving child birth and being able to enhance the odds of survival of the children.
We must insist that this information is not an excuse for you to play around and cheat. This is simply information to help you to understand your drives. This is information to help you to deal with things like the grass is greener syndrome and for some of you, your commitment issues. You may not have been aware of it before reading this information, but your primitive drives are influencing you even today. Unfortunately, your primitive brain is unaware of the present date. It is also unaware of the other factors that the female of the species are demanding of a mate. Just because it exists does not make it the correct course of action. Having an understanding of this is a powerful resource to help you not only in approaching and interacting with women, but also in supporting you in creating long term and highly charged sexual relationships!
Okay, because you are likely single we are going to focus on how the primitive brain is affecting your interaction with women. We have already discussed from her perspective how she is reacting to the threat presented whether it is obvious or reactionary to concerns that get brought to the surface. There is the other side of the coin that supports the success of your interactions.
We talked about the confident and comfortable male that easily surpasses the success of the jerks. One of the keys to making the adjustments to create that individual for yourself, exists in the primitive brain. You see that in the development of the linear thinking process and the compartmentalized way of processing is all designed around protection and survival. Knowing the outcome of certain activities is a part of that. For example it is an uncomfortable experience to look into a hole that you are not sure what is waiting for you at the bottom; primitive brain says, if there is something down there that is dangerous it is not supporting our primary drive to survive and if we don’t survive then we can’t reproduce. On the other hand if someone we trust hands us a nice warm meal, we are doused with a pleasant sensation encouraging us to do whatever we did to have this event happen again as often as possible. This may seem simplistic to you, but the same general principle applies to most everything in your life.
Your brain’s job is to protect you. Anything that is not already known to have the result in favor of that protection is attacked. That attack is an uncomfortable sensation. This is true until the belief that this particular event is not bad or harmful. So here is the big discovery. Learning to accept that this is the first response your brain is going to take to any new behavior is an advantage to you in two ways:
1. Understand that your brain is throwing up road blocks because it is attempting to protect you. This gives you the ability to embrace and accept different behaviors and to understand why that little voice in your head is telling you “it won’t work” or “it’s not a good idea” or “you are not going to have the results you want” it isn’t because you believe that to be true, it is simply a survival reaction to looking into the hole. This gives you the ability to continue to perform the new behavior and change the belief.
2. Understand that primitive brain is the trigger and you are in control of demonstrating an environment that supports the women you are interested in. As you do so, you begin to wield the power to create sensations for her that she may have only reserved for the closely trusted or loved very early in your interactions. It also supports you to defend your confidence and self esteem, because as we have told you in other courses. If she is not interested in you it truly has very little to do with you; it is about how her brain is reacting to the stimulus provided and the outcomes she is comfortable experiencing.
If her primitive brain’s job is to protect her to ensure her survival, some new stimulus may be firing that same unknown outcome effect. As we said, this is one of the core principles of the Better Deal. Even if she is in a horrible relationship, if she has bought into the belief that because she knows the result of her behavior that may be a safer feeling for her than the possibility of a much Better Deal with you. Nothing to do with you; everything to do with her and what she has surrendered to in her own mind.
Now, let’s talk about three things that will support you in your success with women and using Primitive Brain to your advantage.
1. Rejection and trying again. In our courses on approach and approach anxiety we often talk about making the approach about the process. Here we are going to take it one step further and help you to understand this concept at a deeper level.
You are conflicted in your primitive brain and as we have talked about your brain wants to compartmentalize and have things happen very linearly. The conflict is this: Primitive Brain says get out there and plant those seeds! It says, you need to have as much opportunity as possible! It tells you that your social status is directly related to your ability to attract the most desirable female. The survival side of your Primitive Brain says protect the core and don’t take any risks that may not result in the desired outcome. So which do you listen to? Most guys try to take the middle of the road. They look for permission to make their move from the women they desire. They want clear indicators of success before they engage or “risk” anything. We are hoping that based on what you know now about modern needs of women over this primitive brain influence is not supporting this middle of the ground approach (think niceguyitis). Plus what you already know about the female primitive brain and what it is demanding of you.
The truth is you listen to both, but the mission is to support a change in the restrictive beliefs. You see, because your brain does not know the outcome of any approach scenario, it is going to go into protection mode and as we have already established the reaction you are going to get is the same as the reaction you would get to prevent physical harm. When you learn to accept that the sensation you are feeling is real, but unsubstantiated because your primitive brain unfortunately did not get the memo that you are no longer in the food chain, you begin to get a handle on your reservations and begin to act in spite of the warning sensations you are experiencing. As you begin to approach women and in that new thought process you begin to develop a new belief. Each success you have, meaning every time you approach a woman, regardless of the result, and you do not receive any physical harm, you send a message to the Primitive Brain that is replacing the belief equating rejection to physical harm. Every encounter that you are able to take to the next level whether that is a first date or a sexual relationship sends a message to that area of the brain that is going to give you the reward sensations.
The combined continued replacement of the old beliefs that there are only a limited amount of women for you (because in the primitive brain mentality there was only a limited amount) and that rejection is doom, you begin to build the confidence that will enhance the percentage of successful encounters. Unfortunately. it truly is a scenario that requires you to have confidence to be successful, but to gain the confidence you have to have a series of successes to change the beliefs. It is not an unsolvable conundrum and that is obvious, because long before you read this material men and women were and are successfully surviving and propagating!
To change any behavior, you simply change the belief associated with the behavior. To change the belief you must simply prove that the new belief is better for you than the old one. True with your success with women, true with any behavior you wish to adjust in your life. This is not a shortcut as we all would love to have, but in taking this process and exercising it, the adjustments you make will be permanent.
As it applies to rejection and trying again; you fortunately have developed powerful logic. That logic is stable enough to process through that you are in no physical danger when interacting with women therefore nullifying the sensations triggered by the primitive brain reaction to the situation.
2. Your Primitive Brain also gives you an incredible resource. The raw animalistic drives that are involved also charge your system with sexual prowess and the desire to be the top of the pack. Most men resist this and do everything in their power to suppress the beast within; this is a mistake. The challenge is learning how to present that raw power without triggering the alarms of the women that you are interested in.
The foolish believe that in embracing their raw sexuality gives them permission or reason to verbalize their intentions or is some cases physically impose their sexual prowess in unwelcomed ways is absolutely NOT what we are suggesting.
The fact of the matter is that when you begin to accept that from the basis of the animal that you are there is no shame in your desires and there is no shame in your primitive drives. When you have built your confidence and more importantly your comfort level with those simple facts, you begin to demonstrate to the women that you desire that it is okay for them to accept their sensations and that you are capable of creating the environment that allows them to be safe while doing it.
This is also true as it applies to sex, most men are so caught up in their own ego that they miss the opportunity to genuinely deliver as well as experience the pleasurable sensations that occur in the brain. They are so focused on the obvious physical sensation and whether or not they are pleasing the woman’s obvious physical sensations that he actually denies the both of them the primitive rewards waiting for him that are stimulated from the primitive brain.
Here is a simple experience that will help you to understand how much you are really missing out on: Yes you can do it by yourself and it is not sexual.
- Take three cups of water or tea. One cold, one room temperature, and one hot.
- You see where most people experience something they eat or drink is in their mouth. It is pretty easy to experience the different sensations from that perspective; but that is only a portion of the story and we are rewarded much further than that. Again this is supporting the survival portion of the primitive brain making the sensation of eating and drinking a high reward sensation.
- We already know that drinking when you are thirsty feels really good, reward number 1
- We also know that not being thirsty anymore is a good feeling and relieves the stress of needing to get something to drink and if it is something we enjoy drinking because it tastes good that is reward 2
- The rest of the rewards are typically completely ignored and this is where your understanding that there is more to get is going to support you.
- Reward number 3 is the pleasurable experience of your esophagus moving the liquid to your stomach
- Reward number 4 is the sensation that your stomach receives when the liquid is received, the coating feeling as well as the filling experience
- Reward 5 is the sense of satisfaction and mental relief that you are not in need of anything to continue to survive and now you can move your focus elsewhere
- This is where we are going to focus to demonstrate that even with something as simple as drinking a fluid there is more to experience by letting go and embracing the raw sensations.
- Take your room temp cup and drink a drink, hold it in your mouth for just a second and swallow several times.
- Were you able to feel the liquid travel down your esophagus and enter your stomach? Most have difficulty here.
- Now take your cup of hot liquid and repeat the step, take a drink hold it in your mouth and swallow several times
- We are willing to bet that now that you are aware of the goal you were able to feel the rewards all the way to your stomach!
- Now try it with the cold
You can go back and try it with the room temp cup, and with practice and focus you will undoubtedly learn to actually experience the sensations with everything you eat and drink. In doing so, you will enhance your experience every time you eat or drink anything. The interesting part is that in experiencing it to the fullest, you will eat slower and ultimately eat less.
This little experiment is something you can teach women you are interested in and give them a taste of the sensations they may have been missing out on.
How this applies to primitive brain is that the same way you are rewarded several times for eating and drinking, you are also rewarded several times for allowing that raw sexuality and the sensations that most guys restrict to be right at the surface. The way they look at her the way that they move their body and present themselves is so confident and comfortable. NEVER CRUDE because it doesn’t have to be. And in the actual act of sex it becomes real and the connection between the two of them reaches deep and a man that knows he can do that with the women he desires is going to exude a manner about him that will create sexual tension when his attention is directed at someone he desires. Yet, because of his comfort and confidence it will be presented as the prize it is to her; in mastery of this skill you accomplish what we have been trying to help you to grasp and showing her that the deal you bring to the table is so much better than the deal that she currently has and that you know it; more importantly that you are willing to share your gift is she is willing to play her part so that the two of you can continue to grow as a team.
We are certain that you have been in the same room with a guy in a crowd that seems to just turn heads and sometimes it isn’t that he is the best looking guy in the room, there is just something about him that is appealing, women want to talk with him and other men just want to be associated with him. This is the guy that knowingly or not has accepted his primitive drives and allows that to be present in his confidence and mannerisms and no one is ever offended except of course the insecure males in the room that have no idea who this guy thinks he is.
Start to practice with the cups of water, then begin to apply the same technique to other areas of your life. Even things like working out, don’t just go through the motions, actually feel the sensations good and painful; the more you practice the more adept you become and letting go and accessing the rewards that most just ignore their entire life! The more you become comfortable with letting go and being open the more you bring to the table to the women you are interested in meeting and dating! The easier it becomes for you to be fun and mysterious and so on and so on.
3. This last one is a little harder to get your head around because it is not a tangible item; it is the basic how to for benefit 2 above. It is not something that can be taught from the perspective of do a particular activity and expect this result and is usually reserved for our one on one coached clients. As you are aware we have the privilege of interviewing all types of women; you have likely watched some of the interviews or the dinner parties that Jessica hosts. The information we share with you in those videos is always so very helpful to support our information and to allow you the social proof you need to believe in what we are doing to help you.
Some of the best stuff we get is when the women are off camera and having a drink or two with us and they begin to really open up and share some of the dark desires and what they really wish guys would understand. We are going to share one of those aspects with you here, because it is primarily driven from primitive brain.
We are certain that you have heard that women want a man that is emotionally available; they want a man that is vulnerable and of course able to connect with them, but there is a solution to this that has nothing to do with tears and talking.
One of the primitive brain’s defenses for the male is to compartmentalize. This is accomplished by separating the stimulus being taken in by the individual by placing it in similar categories. This behavior or skill is most commonly demonstrated when we are watching the game or television and that is the stimulus the male is focused on at the moment. As far as we are concerned the rest of the world is barely even a part of our awareness; that is of course until our core survival is stimulated (usually by hunger!)
But a more scientific method of proving this to be a fact is that we are able to focus so much better because our brain does not react the same way to stimulus. For example, a Stanford University study was conducted and volunteers were shown emotionally charged images and the result was that men only had two primary areas of the brain light up; women on the other hand had NINE!
Now to explain why we are talking about this here, along with this skill to compartmentalize and to focus we have developed the skill to present only what we want to have others see. Not just the classic complaint of women that we don’t show our emotions, but also including our desires both conscious and primal.
In our conversations with these women that we have interviewed they have disclosed to us something that we were not surprised to hear, but surprised to hear that women were aware of. They suggested to us that we teach men how to be raw and primal with them. Basically for a man to be even more sexy they wanted him to wear his passion and raw desires on his sleeve; to allow that animal to be a part of his “aura.” That there is nothing sexier to them then a man that is willing to be vulnerable enough to expose himself, obviously not crudely or literally, but in such a manner that he obviously has explored and is comfortable with who he is.
I will second that notion…
We have already talked a little about this in the last numeral, but this goes one step further.
First, you have to actually recognize and truly be okay with you and your raw passion
Second, you have to be willing to wear it. This is the harder of the two because in wearing it you are “risking” the repercussions of having her not accept your gift. This of course goes against the survival core.
As we said this is a tough one to write, but we had to include it for no other reason than to put it in your head that you have to accept that want you desire is fine.
WARNING: Not the porn version of raw desire and please don’t confuse this, because that is not raw sexuality, that is just make believe!
We are talking about learning to wear your desire and raw ability to connect with the women you desire at an animal level. Pure, untainted by manipulation and ulterior motives, simple and raw connection that only the two of you can create.
That all may sound a bit esoteric and maybe it is, but when you are willing to be that open and that exposed and are unafraid of the potential hurt to yourself that could come from being open and vulnerable you are clearing the path for her to feel and experience tension between two individuals that they only read about in those trashy romance novels they love so much.
We do a lot of work in this area in our intensive workshops and of course in the one on one coaching, but we needed to share with you that women really are looking for this, they are looking for it unashamedly and it is such a rare experience for them that if you master this skill you will become that guy in the middle of the room that everyone else is drawn to want to interact with.
Another note here…though you may have been brow beaten to think that your sexual desires are something to be ashamed of, I would like to correct that misnomer and reframe that to say that the error likely was in your insecurity of your sexual expression and therefore in the way that you have presented it to women. As we note below, women pick up on those nuances of human expression, energy and intention. When you reclaim how natural and appealing your raw sexuality is, you won’t have to push it upon women or feel anxious about expressing yourself as a sexual being (this translates to super predatory, creepy guy). Instead, you’ll be ok with allowing yourself to exhibit your true nature (without force or fear).
We will share two steps to get you started:
1. you must first self explore and accept that what you want is fine. You must understand the difference between what you think people want to see from you and what you really want even if what you want goes against the grain of what you think other people will find okay, you must be okay with it yourself.
For example, last night I was in a one on one coaching session and we were beginning this work. I asked him to do exactly what I am asking you to do and when he was in his discovery portion of the exercise, he found that looks and the way certain women move is the core of what he wants and is looking for at this time in his life. He immediately started to justify and back track because he thought that I would be pushing his buttons to seek deeper and get more into the Better Deal components that she should be bringing beyond what he was talking about (please understand that this gentlemen is well beyond worrying about that based on her looks she is the prize, he is confident in what he is bringing and is successful with women, he is just ready to go to the next level). I had to stop him and emphasize that regardless of my opinion or anyone else’s for that matter if physical and visual is what is your driver and what you want and what is driving you; embrace it! Be fine with your desire; be fine with what is good for you!
We went further because I asked him to describe as best he could in words if he was at that pure animal stage what he would say or want out of her or for her to know. He responded with “I just want to taste her, I want to feel the sweat of her body dripping down my chest, I want to look at her in such a way that she feels like I would eat her alive! I want to feel like our souls are making love not our bodies!”
I must admit as he was speaking I could hear the rasping in his voice as he started to almost growl out his desires, I could imagine his lip starting to curl and his gaze getting sharp and focus like he was imagining her as prey as his possession. The same way an alpha male in a pack would claim his mate and every other member of the pack surrounding him would cower in understanding that he is the dominant male.
At that moment is the second part for you as it was for him.
2. The challenge at that point is to take that raw desire, that animal feeling of possession and desire, the feeling of dominance and power and allow that to be visible; yet in check to not present himself as a predator. Though you are okay with the sensation, we have to help the women he is attracted to accept his gift; more on that in the Sexual Skill Set course and the advanced Approach courses.
This gift needs to be checked but visible in the sense of the way you carry yourself, open through your eyes and through your movements and mannerisms. Remember women are far more in tune with picking up the subtle signals demonstrated by males. It is innate skill and selected by evolution. You do not need a billboard to get your message across to a woman the way you would need that same billboard to deliver your message to a male.
Here is the major risk you run. If this raw power is demonstrated inappropriately you are going to give off the creepy vibe of the century. You are going to be seen as a predator. You are going to send her and anyone else around you into instant fight or flight response and for good reason. Remember as animals were are driven first by survival and beings we are at the top of the food chain if one of us is obviously prepared to prey on another we have no choice but to flea.
The skill is to temper your delivery. In your mind you are on fire! But, you higher intellect is in control and allowing only enough of the raw energy to be shown and worn in your presentation. As the woman you are interested in accepts the gift and is assured of her safety, you will learn to turn up the volume and show more and more of this primitive and raw side.
It is important for you to understand that there is always a time and a place. Your work is not a place to unleash the beast! Use your head because the raw animal does not think, it does not consider repercussions, and it is not aware of the social rules of the 21st century!
We know we have pointed this out already, but because most men are so inundated with poor information it is hard for them to distinguish between raw sexual energy and sex, crudeness, and nudity. There is miles of difference and when I considered writing this area I really struggled introducing this powerful of knowledge in this basic course because of the fact that most people, male and female, have no idea how to deal with this side of who we are. It is my hope that you as our client understand that we are in no way condoning abusive, predatory, or obscene speech or behavior.
When this skill is mastered even with the first two basic steps we have pointed out, it makes everyone involved feel as if it is natural. If feels safe and invited. It feels passionate and genuine and that is what we want you to strive to achieve.
Raw sexual energy is sexy and when you understand how to deliver your message in such away that it is safe and invited, you will have mastered the ability to create sexual tension even in the first few seconds of meeting a woman you have desire for.
Please only use your powers for good!
Not only will I emphasize that last point, but I am also on a mission to teach women to do the same…that they recognize the power of their sexual tools and to use them in a kind, thoughtful and deliberate way. This street goes both ways, I know gents.
Okay, let’s move on so that you can see how all of this primitive brain behavior and understanding shows up in the real world and how it affects you and your interactions with women from the moment you meet and throughout your relationship.