Married-How to Understand Her
There are few generalizations that I like to give credence to. I don’t use the words always and never because they don’t exist in reality and in couple hood, ‘dems fightin’ words. However, I am about to break that tendency and go out on a limb here and say that in my opinion, ALL WOMEN LIKE TO BE ADORED. There, I said it…and I’ll stand by it. I’ve yet to meet a woman, or man for that matter, that doesn’t like adoration and admiration. The level of comfort in receiving it is a different topic altogether, but admiration and adulation feels damn good.
Now that we’re all on the same page here, let me take this a step further and suggest that ALL couples could benefit from more admiration in their relationship. I’ve yet to see a couple in (or outside) my office that suffers from too much adoration. We give it with ease and vigor at the beginning of a relationship. It flows lovingly and like fertilizer, makes a relationship flourish. In the wise words of one of my favorite lyricists, Michael Franti, “…love is the shit that makes life grow…”
Knowing this, why do we get stingy with it? It’s not as if you will run out of adoration currency…it isn’t hard to acquire or costly….so, if this is the magic that makes women swoon, why would any man withhold it? The only reason I can fathom is that you start to see differences that annoy or irritate you and you hold back your compliments as a punishment of sorts. What you don’t realize is that this is a losing tactic and has the opposite effect of what you’re after.
When you focus on what you don’t like, what you don’t want and what you want to see change, then these are the things that will intensify. Remember that what you put your attention to grows. The trick here is to stop giving sunlight and water to the aspects of her and your relationship you don’t want. That doesn’t mean ignore them rather, try to see them with neutrality and instead shift your attention to the things you still love and appreciate. This is a tough one to practice in the middle of a conflict when you are determined to be right. In this stance, someone is always wrong and leads to hurt feelings and pain. Disengaging from this power struggle is the fastest way to return to love and appreciation. Choose something safe and loveable about her and focus on that (maybe something like the way she cares for your children or her smile). It will be difficult to stay deadlocked and if you persist, you will soon find other aspects you admire. Continue to feed those plants and see what happens. It will dramatically shift your way of relating…admiration and conflict are incompatible.
You see, women by and large like peace, harmony and unity. We are caretakers by nature and want our families to get along and love one another. This is our crack, our heroin. We will go to many lengths to get it, oftentimes forsaking ourselves to have it. Safety and security allows us to put our guards down, our fangs and sharp teeth away. It really goes back to our primate tendencies seek situations for our young to be safe, healthy and well. Don’t freak out here, it’s biological.
How does this all tie together? Simple: When you adore me, I get the sense that you want me and desire me. When you desire me, I get the sense and that you’ll stick around to care for me and our potential children. When I think you’ll stick around, I feel safe. When I feel safe, I am soft, loving and kind. When I am soft, loving and kind toward you, you return it to me by giving me more adoration….which brings a feeling of peace, harmony and unity!
Perhaps your next question is “How do I continue to show admiration for my partner?” There is no singular way. In another article, entitled “Little Things You do = Big Rewards For You” will find many ideas, suggestions and ways to determine what the woman in your life prefers and how to cater to that. A simple clue is to do more of what wooed her to begin with…after all, it worked, right?