Approaching Women Course 1: Changing Your Mindset

Lesson two: Building up a different mindset

Alright, now we will start to make significant changes in the way you think about women and the way you think about approaching women.  One of the first specific points that you need to understand is that women are not superior.  Allow me to elaborate; make no mistake I am not implying that women do not deserve to be treated special, particularly when you choose a specific woman to commit to.  What I am referring to is the fact that women are simply the female of the human species.  When you are truly able to grasp this fact the way you will interact with women will change immediately.  This is not a derogatory statement, nor is it a statement with intention to belittle or degrade women.  Quite the opposite in fact, because it is our belief that everyone deserves to be treated with respect, admiration, and to have a beautiful relationship that they are happy and excited about.

Here’s the point.  Men tend to go about approaching women, as if women are the prize.  Men tend to create such a pedestal for women that when they actually do approach them, they have created a barrier to their own success.  It is a common misconception men have, that women have their act together and because they have good looks they must have all other areas of their life in A-plus status.  The simple reality is that when they are approached by a man who is confident and capable of creating an environment where they are enjoying themselves and feel safe they are just as nervous that they are going to blow it as any man would be, this includes even very attractive women.

You see you are working from one perspective, your own.  The only exception to this rule is when you are experiencing from your close friends’ incidents.  The unfortunate truth about that as it applies to women is that the reason you are friends is because you have commonalities and similar learned behaviors, mannerisms, and hobbies.  Men are also extremely misguided by the role models that influence their lives.  These role models include: father figures, the media and television, and their peers.  Think about this point carefully, besides your personal experience where are you getting all of your information?

Back to women being the female of the species and nothing more.  Let’s leave religious arguments out of the equation and think with an open mind for just a few minutes.  Evolutionary psychologists suggest that the human race has been evolving for millions of years.  Taking that simple argument and applying the fact that our “civilized” way of life has only been around for approximately 10 to 20 thousand years we have a lot more time as a primitive species than a civilized one.  You may be wondering why I am bringing this information up.  It is simple, if we are primarily driven by our primitive brain, the hard wiring that has a sole purpose of survival and propagation of the species, why not use this biological fact to our advantage?

The issue is that the individuals in modern civilization would prefer not to look at ourselves as animals.  Now I am not suggesting that we are savage and primal to the point that wild animals are, but if we have millions of years of hard wired information churning in our brains, then that same drive for survival, mating, and ensuring the survival of our off spring is the same as wild animals, just a bit more dolled up.

To this point, it is the male of the species in wild animals that are the instigators for mating in most species.  In bird species it is usually the males that take all the risks in displaying colorful feathers and subjecting themselves to danger to prove to the female of the species that they are the best choice for the female to mate with.  If the female turns out to not be worthy of the male, the male will disregard her and seek to find another more suitable mate.  It is up to the female to move along the mating or she may not find a male to mate with.  We want you to think of the female of our species the same way.  You will do your mating dance, but the fact that a female has attracted you with her particular adornments does not mean that she has earned the right to continue the mating dance with you.  The simple fact is that she is the female of the species you are the male.  You must do your part in the dance and so must she.

Jessica here to add my comments on this one…I believe that we’ve forgotten the crucial role that men play as the lovers and givers of life.  Women germinate your seed, but you deliver the critical component that begins the entire process.  I think that we’ve focused so much on women as “givers” that we’ve usurped men’s vital roles and given proper acknowledgement for the importance of what you bring.  This may sound a bit esoteric, but this point is an imperative one that I’ll highlight in later lessons- I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you’re showing up as the man and giver of life that you behold so that we may in turn take that love and help it grow.

The primitive brain is more of a driver than you may give it credit for.  The Amygdala is an almond shaped mass of grey matter that associated with feelings of fear and aggression, it is the part of the brain responsible for signaling the Hypothalamus that the fight or flight response is necessary in a particular situation.  If we are not still animals, why do we have this response?  Why have we not removed this through evolution?  Remember we are the descendants of the survivors of our species.  We are the descendants of the individuals who did what it took to survive, find a mate, be chosen as a mate, breed, and successfully raise children that were able to repeat the cycle.  That same fight or flight response is just as active today as it was a million years ago; primitive women had to be acutely aware of behaviors of the men in their groups or clans that would endanger their lives or the lives of their children.

They developed social bonding skills that helped them to recognize danger as well as positive interactions that would promote their own survival.  It is a fact that women have a superior peripheral vision to men; theoretically this was developed to have a larger field of view for danger.  It is a fact that new born and up to 1.5 year old females have a higher response to facial features, emotional displays, and recognitions than their male counter parts.  This is then developed and encouraged throughout their lives and practiced in the way that women bond with each other as well as with their mate and children.

Interesting, yes, but what does all of that have to do with approaching women?

Simple! If you are approaching women and presenting yourself nervously, fearfully, or unsure of yourself; you are going to give off the body language, tonality, and physical presentation of a threat or that there is a reason to be afraid.  Now, with all that you have learned in that past few paragraphs, what do you think is going to happen?

Several things:

First, if you are afraid or presenting a threat, her practiced and sub-conscious primitive brain is going to be sending a signal that says, “I’m not sure what it is, but he is acting like there is something wrong, and if he thinks there is something wrong, then I should think there is something wrong.”  Then that wonderful system designed for survival kicks in and her amygdala sends a message to the hypothalamus and, bingo, she is throwing up roadblocks and the answer is sure to be a “NO.”  It is safer to walk away than to explore her curiosity.

Second, if you are presenting yourself in a manner that demonstrates that she is the prize, that you are the lucky one in the situation, her primitive brain kicks in once again and she begins to assess that if you are unsure of what you bring and that she is bringing so much more to the table; surely there is a superior male that would be a better mate, provider, and protector of her and her young.

Lastly, If you have bought into the misconception that women are superior and that there is only a limited supply of beautiful women, you are going to send a message to your own primitive brain that you must prove your worth to have a mate and each time you fail to have a woman accept you, you are further and further down the evolutionary food chain and therefore your opportunities to spread your seed, that primal drive to propagate, is going to convince you that you have to settle for whichever female that will accept you.  And the cycle will continue…

Another point here about mindset- not only will your ideas about the limited supply of women send messages to your primitive brain, it will also cast messages out to your environment as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What you think about will come about, without exception.  This is why shifting those core beliefs, eliminating what is non-supportive to you and believing that you truly deserve love and happiness is critical if you want what we teach to be impactful and lasting.

You see, when we break our social interactions down to the raw and primitive drives then it is clear to see that women, regardless of their looks, are driven to accomplish the same mission that is driving you to be attracted to her.  Women have the same primitive hardwiring that drives them to find a mate and create a safe environment for her and the potential for her children.  They are simply the female of the species.  True they have a different perspective and different needs to be fulfilled, but they are not superior by any stretch of the imagination.

It also must be pointed out that women are challenged the same as men are.  They must compete with other women to gain the attention of men; they must deal with and accept that some women are more genetically blessed, and that they run the risk of rejection just the same as any man.  They basically have the same issue of presenting men a Better Deal than the deal they currently have just as we teach you that you must provide the same to her.

This is all very true and why we’re working so hard to shift this in the world.  It breaks my heart to listen to girls as young as 11 begin comparing and berating themselves for their looks, like devaluing their lives because their breasts haven’t developed like the others in gym class.  My mission is to intervene before this becomes further ingrained so that they can restore a sense of genuine worth and value.  Women who’ve been at this for decades have a much harder time than my teenaged clients and much more baggage to let go of.  So do yourself a favor and take heed right now before this becomes engrained deeper into your being.

Continuing on with basics on Primitive Brain:

It is this same primitive brain that drives our fear of rejection.  In primitive thinking, if you were rejected by others it was a death sentence.  Obviously, in our modern society you can and will survive on your own, but remember it is the primitive brain that doesn’t know it is the 21^st century.

The good news is that with this information you can use it to your advantage.  Obviously not to bring it to her attention that safety is a prime driver for her to want to spend more time with you and that if you present yourself in a manner that shows her that with you she will have what we call the Better Deal, but if you know what the obstacles to overcome are, then you can do the work it takes to be a success.

The first mindset change is to accept the fact that regardless of what she looks like she is simply the female of a primitive minded and driven species.

The second mindset change is to accept that fact that you are a mammal.  You may have spirituality and you may have skills that grant you superiority over much of the animal kingdom, but you are still driven by the same instincts that drive and help the animals to survive.

The only real point to make on this is by example:  If you were a raggedy and scrawny squirrel and you saw a young, sexy, bushy tailed squirrel in the tree next to you, do you think that you would first think about all of the other female squirrels that have rejected you in the past? If there is another boy squirrel already chasing her around the tree, would you think about whether or not you had a bushy enough tail?  Enough nuts stored away for the winter?  What the other squirrels would think about you if she didn’t want to run around the tree with you?  OR, do you think you would do your squirrel dance and twitch your tail in your best squirrel macho twitch and run your ass down the tree you were in and up the tree she is in and start the chase?

You know as well as I do that that male squirrel could give a rat’s ass about anything else in the world to include his personal safety other than the possibility to mate with that female, and if for some insane reason she didn’t want to run around the tree with that male squirrel or if he got run off by another squirrel that he wouldn’t go into a fit of depression or self doubt or self defamation; he would simply get on with his search and when he found the next squirrelly that caught his eye he would start over as if it were the first time in his life.

Animals can teach us a ton, they don’t worry about the rest of the world, they worry about what is in front of them, not the result, they keep the goal in mind, but it is the process that is important.

Now let’s move on to an idea that is going to be extremely foreign to you.

The third mindset change: You must expect and demand that the women you are interested in bring more to the table than looks and body.

Please understand that from a purely sexual basis we understand that if she is hot, there are a ton of miscellaneous items you are willing to forgive.  We are guys, we understand, but that is not the point.  The moment you have chosen to give her permission to be complete by simply looking the way she does, you have given up one of the items that will help you to be appealing to her.  The challenge.  Just as guys want to have the prize, so do women.  They want to know that they have made the right choice and that this choice is valuable.

Men have some marks against them even before you can commit any fatal flaws, for young women are taught by their fathers, who unknowingly perpetuate this mindset by telling their daughters that all that men want “is to get in your pants.”  Some have heard this for decades, so it has become a part of the expectation that women have of men.  You can do your part and look for the full spectrum of what women have to offer.

The point of it is that you must change the way you think about what value she is to you based on her looks and body.

There is something that I like to call “your list” and you should make one for yourself.  What I am talking about is the list of items you need from a girl.  Now there is always going to be the standards: good looking, great body, fun, etc., but that list is just the tip of the iceberg.  If you have done your work in the Better Deal overview you know that there are 22 components that make up that system and with that scale you are able to see the whole picture you are bringing to the table.  This is going to be how you establish the true value you bring (more on that in the next lesson of this course), but where guys miss their opportunity is that they don’t create a similar list for the women they are going to meet.  They let the women off the hook at looks and body.  This gives women a huge advantage and limits the ability for a guy to choose to walk away.

On the other hand if you have a real list, one that you have actually sat down and written out of what you need from a woman and understand your list is going to be completely unique from anyone else’s list, you are accomplishing a lot more then you think.  First, you are giving yourself an anchor to keep you secure in the fact that she has work to do to impress you.  Second, you are giving yourself a tool to help you to protect yourself and more importantly your self esteem.  Third, that list can help you to have more fun and be playful with the women you meet.  It gives you tools to present a challenge to her and for her to overcome. Lastly, it will keep you from falling into the trap of fawning over her to get or keep her attention.

Your homework assignment is to sit down and honestly write out what it is you want in a woman.  Don’t half ass this thing either or just do it in their head.  There is a method to our madness and it is important that you sit down and put thought to this.

Here are the steps to make this a real tool that you can use and to help with the mindset change that will help you well into the future.

1. Get a real pen/pencil and a couple of sheets of paper (after you are done you can put it on an electronic device if you choose.)

2. Start writing down all of the attributes you want in a woman.  Do not edit or worry about the validity of the statements, simply brainstorm it out, open your list up to things like lifestyle activities or maybe even spiritual convictions if that is important to you.

3. After you have exhausted all of the ideas go back and re-read them to yourself and pick the top 10 to 15 items you really want to have.

4. After you have isolated your to 10 to 15 items divide the number of items in half and round down if necessary.  (Example: if you had 15 items your new number would be 7 as opposed to 7.5; if your number of items was 10 then you would have 5)

5. Choose that number of must haves.  If you have 15 on the list currently, you must decide what 7 are items you absolutely can’t live without.  This is not easy and you do not get to add more. The goal is to honestly assess what you want in your girl, particularly if you met the girl you think you would want to potentially commit to.

6.  After you have chosen your items carefully write a description of what that means to you.  For instance if you said she has to be good looking, give a description – height, weight, complexion, etc.

7.  This is your list.  Now, you can make exceptions, but if you find yourself making exceptions to 5 of 7 items because of the way she looks, you are falling into your old trap.

8. Keep your whole list including the items you did not use, this list will come in handy a little later when we help you with where to go to meet women.

This exercise is powerful in a lot of ways, it accomplishes what we have been talking about in this lesson, but it will also help you in several different ways as you learn more through the approach course series as well as in the website.

We hope that you have a little different perspective on women than when you started this section.  We are not done helping you to change your entire perspective.  In the next lesson we are going to talk about changing your view of yourself.  Remember this entire course is placing the foundation of your mindset to help you to be as successful as you want to be with approaching women.  Yes, it is more work than us telling you what to do and when, but we promise it will be worth it and you will be far more successful when you think differently!

Approaching Women Course 1: Changing Your Mindset

Lesson one: Common beliefs and our mission

By Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

We have taken this area of training and broken it into several courses since it is such a big area of concern for most single men.  The issue is that there are several areas we need to address to help you to be as successful as possible.  This particular course is going to be geared specifically to changing your mindset.  These are the basics to help you become more comfortable in any situation you may find yourself encountering the women that you are interested in.

You see most guys have some serious misconceptions of women.  Guys tend to place so much value on looks that we create a mindset that is detrimental to our success with the women we desire. There are so many ways that we play tricks on ourselves that if we take the time to correct them, approaching women is no longer an issue; it becomes what it should be, a source of entertainment and a way to interact with the women.  One of the major points we will help you to understand is that the approach is nothing more than the tool to break what we call the conversation barrier.

Other companies and individuals who are out there with the claim to help men pick up women are set up on the principle that if they give you the right things to say and the right way to act, you will be successful.  The truth is you will be, but most of the self proclaimed gurus out there are trying to convince men that their way of going about picking up women is going to solve ALL of their problems.  Unfortunately what ends up happening is that even though you will have success with some women, which may be a significant jump from where you were starting from, you have not solved your own issues, you have only thrown in a temporary fix to a much bigger problem.  What do you think will happen when what we call the “magic feather” approach moves into a relationship?  Even before that, what happens to your appeal after the first few interactions?  You have to understand that though our approach to working with you takes more effort on both of our parts up front, we are helping you to be successful not only in getting her number and getting her through the first few dates, but throughout the potential relationship as well.  We realize that a long term relationship may or may not be your goal, but we know for a fact that being successful with women is the goal and the only way to truly be successful is to change your mindset, not just give you a few magic feathers and send you on your way.  We don’t want to give you support by giving you more magic feathers when the old versions get tired.  We want to help you to present the dynamic and genuine individual inside of you and have that individual be comfortable and exciting every time you interact with a new woman or spend time with a specific woman.  Most importantly we want you to the real you, not a preset line of statements or actions that are someone else’s words and patterns.

I hope you understand that by doing the work up front we plan to make approaching women a non-event.  We plan to help you to understand that the more comfortable you are the higher your success rate will be now and in the future.  The coordination of who you believe you are and who you present to the world aimed at the women you are interested in will easily change even very casual interactions into interactions where you are seen as dynamic and interesting. Part of the reason why the “magic feather” teachings out there are effective is because YOU believe that it will work.  In your believing that it will work you approach women with confidence and comfort, with great tonality, with the belief that what you are doing is going to work; so of course if you approach women with that persona you are going to get positive results eventually.  Even when you don’t get a positive reaction from a particular girl you are still in the mindset that it will work with someone so you try again and again until it does.  The KEY element of this is that YOU BELIEVE.  We want to teach you to have that same belief, not in our systems (which will work for the very same reasons) but in the individual delivering the message!  That individual is you!

Even if you have never looked at other systems for approaching women, we all have that buddy who is a master.  He makes it seem so effortless and always seems to have no problem getting girls to pay attention to him.  He is teaching you the same way, he tells you what to do and you have seen it work for him, so you think it will work for you and as long as you believe it will work and you present it the with the same level of conviction it well might work for you too.  The issue is not the approach it is what to do afterwards, what to do when it is just the two of you together and all of a sudden, without you really knowing, it dawns on her that you are a different person than she thought you were.  She may like this new version or she may not.  Ever ended up in the friend zone when you thought it was going well?  Ever been talking to a girl and all of a sudden the red light gets thrown up and you have no idea why? Do you have a friend or maybe yourself that other people say is attractive, a nice guy, and maybe even has a great job or money and you can’t figure out why you or he can’t seem to get a girl?  It all has to do with mindset.

We promise in the next course of the approach training lessons to give you tips and tools to approach women and be successful; we’ll give you what to say and how to act information you are looking for and it works.  We know from our own personal experience and from the experiences of the guys we have coached one on one! BUT, all of that information is useless unless you start working on your mindset!

Okay, I am hoping you are convinced that if you change your mindset you will have little to no need for “lines” or “gimmicks.”  You will be able to work within any situation you find yourself in and depend on your Unique Appealing Persona to attract and be attractive to the women you desire, not a gimmick or a set of lines!

Let’s get started.

To start, let’s address some of the issues or beliefs that guys have with approaching women.  If you find yourself with a unique situation not covered here or in any of the other Approach courses in this series or in the courses on Approach Anxiety, Niceguyitis, or Shyguyitis then ask us your question in the comments below.

Mindset Change Core: Before we get into the outline and addressing of specific issues, we want to make sure you understand something that is CRITICAL.  The biggest mistake guys make about approaching women is the belief that it is their job to get her to like you.  You will see while studying the approach basics series that this is simply not true.  This mentality is the bane of most men because of the pressure it creates for them to be perfect in the first few seconds of any interaction.

The fact of the matter is that the sole purpose of the person approaching is to simply take you from being a perfect stranger to an individual of interest and from there to a person that is engaged in conversation with the woman you find attractive.  Nothing more! You see the only thing separating you from being someone that any woman has recognized as a potential for anything is the conversation barrier.

The conversation barrier is an imaginary separator that most people believe exists.  Think about it, how often have you been introduced to a person whom by appearance only gives you the impression that they are not all that friendly or are in another class of people only to discover that because you were introduced to each other they are just a Chatty Kathy? You then have a new impression of them all together.

Most of the conversation barrier is created by social norms and self protection features (particularly for women).  Read on and as we adjust your mindset, you will begin to recognize your role in creating this barrier as well as your responsibility to remove that barrier.

On to recognizing beliefs issues:

These are the most common beliefs and issues guys bring to us in our one on one coaching sessions:

• Men compare her current looks and body to all of their personal past.  They compare how beautiful she is to every mistake, blunder, failed relationship, and failed attempt to pick up a girl as if she would ever know or care about any of that information.
  • This is obviously not on the top of your conscious mind, but that nervousness and uneasiness you are feeling in your stomach and all of the doubts you have are simply this issue.  The Better Deal as a whole is your answer to this issue, but more to come on this in lesson two of this course.

• Men have a belief system that there is a standard of who they should be dating.
  • For some reason guys have the misconception that if their buddies don’t find a girl attractive and they do then they themselves must be wrong.  More on this in lessons four and five of this course.

• Men believe that women are superior and are holding all the cards.
  • We are going to help you to understand that women are not superior nor are you, but women are simply the female of the species just as you are the male.  They are not the prize. More on this in lesson two of this course.

• Men believe that women do not want to be “picked up” or approached.
  • Well if that were true no one would ever end up dating.  We will cover more on this in lesson seven of this course.

• Men believe that it is what you say that gets the girl, it is how you look and how much money you have that makes the difference.
  • We will help you to get past this in lesson three when we talk about a Unique Appealing Persona.

• Men believe that approaching women is a task, that it is hard.
  • If your entire world is hinged on the outcome, then we agree, we will want to help you to learn to focus on the process and not the outcome.  In dealing with approaching women in this manner you will always be able to protect your confidence and approaching women will become what it is supposed to be fun and entertaining.  More on this in lesson five of this course.

• Men are sure that because of the way she looks she will not be interested in him.
  • We also hear that men are unsure of whether or not she is too busy and doesn’t want to be bothered and many other variations of excuses as to why they don’t approach her.  More in lesson three.

• Men believe that successful guys with women never have issues and that those guys have a high percentage success ratio.
  • We love this one, I don’t care who you are or how talented you are, I guarantee that there are women who have chosen to not spend time with you.  We talk about it clearly in the Better Deal explanations.  More on this in lesson five.

• Men believe that eventually they will find the perfect girl, and when you stop looking is when she will appear.
  • If that were the case everyone would have the person of their dreams delivering a pizza to their door.  I don’t know about you, but the pizza delivery dude that comes to my house is no treat!  More on this in lesson five of this course.

• Men think that it is easier for women then for men.
  • This is true if you are talking about taking a guy home from the bar.  A hot girl can take home pretty much any single guy they want for the night.  The issue is that this is male thinking, women don’t think the same way men do about dating or even sex; yes there are exceptions, but we assure you dating and finding the guy that makes them happy is just as difficult for them as for us. More on this in lesson seven

• Men think that women think of men the way that men think of women.
  • Now it is true that they look at a cute guy and enjoy the view.  From that point is about where it all ends.  More in lesson seven.

• Men don’t understand that there is a lot more going on than whether or not she likes you.
  • We talk a ton about the primitive brain.  You will learn how to use this and the chemical releases that occur when men and women are feeling each other. More in lesson two and three

• Men believe that objections and rejections are about him.
  • The funny part about this one is that we as guys take it so personally when a woman objects to our advances or decides not to give us her phone number or whatever, but this is not about you, this is about her.  More on this in lesson three.

• Before a guy even approaches he has already convinced himself she will most likely say, “no.”
  • This goes back to all of his past experiences being rushed forward into this one; this is about a guy’s own view of himself and his value.  More on this in lesson three of this course.

• Men are under the misconception that if they approach a woman the only success is getting her to like him.
  • Interestingly, though it seems reasonable to a guy that you should have a goal, keep your eye on the ball and stay with it till you have your prize.  After all we were taught this over and over by our male role models; unfortunately that same commitment is the killer, if you forfeit your ability to walk away from her you have given her all of the power.  You must always maintain your ability to walk away.  More in lesson two and seven.

Obviously, if we wanted to go on and on with these thoughts, beliefs, and issues we could.  This list is the most common issues we hear, but unfortunately not all of the issues we hear.  Our mission is to help you to understand how to change your mindset for any or all of these that apply to you or that you have ever experienced.  After you have finished this entire course you will have a completely different mindset about women and more importantly about yourself.

Single- What Women Do Before Each First Date

By:  Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

You think about what you’re going to wear all week.  You talk to your friends about the outfit.  You may even go shopping for a new one.  You try it on and look at it from each angle.  You search for the perfect accessories.  You then switch a time or seven until it’s just right, right?  Not likely, but this is not so out of the norm for women.

The hope here is to give you some insight into the internal and external process that women do before their first dates so that you have some ideas about ways that we are similar and also very different in the way that we perceive and therefore prepare for a big night.

T Minus 5 days:

At this point, she’s likely had phone contact with you (giving a minimum of 5 days notice will improve the possibility that she’s free) and hopefully, you’ve given her a sense of what kind of place you’re taking her to so that she knows what to wear and bring.  Surprises are always fun, but a general sense of indoor/ outdoor, casual or formal, passive or active are important generalizations to include.  She’s thinking about what to wear to entice you and put her best foot forward.  If she doesn’t have something in her closet that’s appealing to her, she may even try to buy something new (or at least go over in her head a few times what would work).  Depending on how she perceives you (as a potential partner, hookup possibility or friend material) will shape what she wears and how much time she spends preparing for the date.

T Minus 2 days:

She is thinking about personal grooming and her body.  She may try to hit up the gym or be a bit more conscientious about her diet.  She is scanning to see if she needs to pluck a few hairs or maybe get waxed.  Again, if she thinks that there’s a possibility for a sexual encounter, she’s making some preparations like birth control options and privacy and personal space.  If she’s really anticipating seeing you, she probably talked to her friends about you and her excitement about your date.

T minus 24 hours:

By this time, you’ve probably talked to her again (briefly as to allow the anticipation to build) to confirm the details of the date (this contact right beforehand demonstrates that you’re looking forward to seeing her and is a sign of good follow through).  If she’s an experienced dater, this may not be such an anxiety evoking event, but rather, another opportunity to meet someone new and to have a good time.  She may straighten up her house, make sure that she’s got some sexy panties to wear and ensure her schedule is cleared.

T minus 3 hours:

She’s likely been thinking about what your exchange is going to be like; envisioning the location, your conversation and how you’ll look.  Women may not be as visually oriented as men, but focus more upon how certain situations will feel and the emotions they’ll evoke.

She may be making some last minute preparations (like if she’s thinking you may come over to her house, she may want to clear certain embarrassing ointments out of her medicine cabinet or photos of her ex out of sight).  She may pick up some cash and may even tell someone where she’s going to be.  She may share these details not only out of her excitement, but because of safety.  While I’d like to think that most women wouldn’t get into a car of someone whom they don’t feel comfortable with, creeps exist and safety is eternally a factor we consider.  Giving her the option of meeting you somewhere is always preferred because it gives her a choice and doesn’t put her into the awkward situation of telling you that she doesn’t feel comfortable.

She’s probably been somewhat considerate of what she’s eaten that day so that she doesn’t feel bloated or reek of gnarly salsa.  She may even have a bit of a snack beforehand so that she doesn’t scarf during dinner or worry about getting low blood sugar levels if you aren’t planning on eating right away.

T minus 90 minutes:

She’s probably actively preparing to get ready at this point, if she’s not meeting you directly from another location.  Beyond taking a shower (making sure there aren’t any mystery hairy patches), putting on just the right amount of makeup (to highlight her features, not evoke porn star images…then again, maybe this is what she’s going for?), putting on that outfit that shows off “just enough” leg or cleavage, she’s also setting the mood, maybe with music or a glass of wine to chill her nerves a bit.

T minus 30 minutes:

She’s aware of the clock to ensure she’s ready in time and that you show up on time…punctuality counts.  She’s checking her purse to make sure she’s got the essentials like cash, gum, her credit card, lipstick and her phone.  She’s checking her outfit one more time and making any last minute changes to her hair or her accessories.  She may ask for a feedback from a friend or second guess some of her choices, but hopefully, she’s feeling assured, because this is when she’s the most radiant and attractive.  When you arrive (or when she meets you), she wants to be sure that she’s looking and feeling energized and beautiful, excited and sexy.

According to where she’s at on the spectrum of the comfort———anxiety scale, she may prepare to a greater or lesser degree, have more fun and less fear about what will transpire between the two of you.  Whatever the case, know that women go through a similar thought and process about how they will be received and perceived and want to ensure that they are seen in the best light possible.  Though the particulars about what you’re concerned with are different, the process is often parallel and the remedy to anxiety is the same…

Breathe and have fun, it’s not that serious.

Single- Dealing with Jealousy

Introduction

By: Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

Ah it’s the curse of the Big Green Monster, and I’m not talking about Fenway Park. It’s that firey, sinking feeling that overcomes the entire body and can turn you into a rageful being you don’t even recognize. It has the capacity to destroy external relationships, but mostly wreaks havoc with your relationship to yourself. Neither sexy nor attractive, jealousy is a beast that you can learn to starve if you want it to fade into non-existence.

This track is intended to work hand in hand with our Dealing with Baggage material, for the crap you are toting from your last gig has the potential to corrupt the best of new relationships. NOW is the time to examine the feedback you’ve received, the botched balls you’ve dropped and the tendencies of yours that could be interfering with your success with women. I’m here to share my perspective on the matter and how women perceive jealous guys.

Let’s start with a general definition of jealousy. Webster’s defines it as:

1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulnessb: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage

3: vigilant in guarding a possession

Think for a moment of men in your life (or maybe characters in books, movies, etc.) who have displayed tremendous jealousy.

Would you consider them to be confident?

Do you perceive them as secure and assured guys?

Do they tend to have women that evoke their jealousy?

Of course I’m getting at the fact that men who display jealousy are (despite their bravado and puffed up chests) insecure and fearful of rivalry. So, one might say that those prone to jealous behavior perceive that they have something to defend or feel insecure in their ability to guard or retain their prized gem. I know, this might sting a little bit, so that’s why I had you choose someone outside of yourself. Now that we all know that it’s really you we’re talking about, try to put your defenses down for a bit. Identifying that you have jealous tendencies is the first step in overcoming it (we’re ALWAYS the last ones to know about our own crap). The first step is to identify where it comes from and seeing the faulty conditioning or learned behavior that you’ve perceived as real. We’ll then cover how jealousy shows up (including your tendency to choose women that intentionally attempt to create jealousy) and how it may be impacting your relationships (including family relationships, coworkers and friends).

Finally, we’ll delve into adaptive ways of slaying the beast that it is. As an added bonus, we’ll talk about how to deal with a jealous woman and how to cope with the baggage your special lady friend may be bringing with her.

So thank you on behalf of the ladies out there…your willingness to identify jealousy as a challenge for you means that you’re at least in part, open to dealing with what it brings up in you in a healthier and more supportive way. You don’t need to accept jealousy as a part of you; you can shift it into something much more pleasurable and fun.

By: Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

Safety: The Gateway to My Heart

If men truly understood the importance of women’s emotional, psychological and physical safety, there would be very little need for a program like ours. Providing this is essential to our willingness to open up and offer you the Golden Ticket to our bodies, our femininity and our hearts. Make no mistake, this cannot be feigned. You can change your haircut or roll around in new digs, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing will be found out. Unlike some of the easier fixes, safety is something that you must consistently cultivate if you want to demonstrate that you are a man of character and honor.

When I start talking about safety, most men get this image of fending off the bad guy to protect the damsel in distress. In case you haven’t noticed, we women are growing more and more capable of keeping ourselves safe these days. We have developed some sophisticated ways of balancing the scales of the physical differences between the sexes. Between tazer guns to self-defense courses, we have armed ourselves with skills, techniques and technology to maintain our safety. This doesn’t mean, however, that the underlying fear about our physical wellbeing is altogether gone. Sadly, if those fears didn’t still exist (and were not used by the companies that cater to these fears), there would be no market for such programs or apparatus. It means that we now have some more tools in our arsenal to protect ourselves physically. We have moved up Maslow’s theoretical Hierarchy of Needs. This is the notion that once our most basic needs for things like food, shelter and safety are met, we are psychologically and physically free to seek a higher order of needs such as intellectual advancement, interpersonal relationships and spirituality. Now that we aren’t being chased by tigers and fending for our safety on a daily basis, we can turn to the next rung of the ladder…emotional safety.

Hopefully by now, you’ve read some of our information about the Primitive Brain. You understand that men and women’s brains are hard wired differently for the purpose of ensuring the survival of the species. No matter how much we spin it or try to distance ourselves from it in our modern sophistication, this is still and always will be a large contributor about what drives our behavior when it comes to the opposite sex. Women of childbearing age are not only sizing up men for their mating compatibility, but we’re also aware that bearing children means physical vulnerability and need for protection and the provision of resources. Translation: when we have kids, we are temporarily out of commission, leaving us dependent upon others for our safety, shelter and food. In today’s world, we have friends, hospitals and social resources that can offer us the support we need. With that being said, women are aware that becoming pregnant (either by choice or by force) means depending upon others in part for our wellbeing and leaves us in a potentially dangerous situation if these needs aren’t met. This whole notion is the motivating force behind ensuring our physical safety, access to birth control and our drive to assess the reliability of our potential mates.

What this means to you is that if your wife has the sense that all that you want from her is sex, then there’s the possibility (if she hasn’t taken precautions) that she could become pregnant and thereby vulnerable. This means you get nowhere, fast. I can hear you saying, “But sometimes (most times) all I really do want is sex…” This is where your honesty wins you points and can improve your chances of scoring. If you are clear about your desires, then she has the choice to respond to your honest intentions without the need to put you through the wringer to determine your motives.

It is ok and downright encouraged to have direct conversations about the importance of sex to you and your relationship. I am always surprised to hear about how little couples talk about sex; their desires, preferences and their fantasies. Depending on the conditioning you each received prior to your union about sex, sexual expression and sensuality, this may not be an easy conversation to enter. However, I invite you to begin to ask gentle questions and express curiosity about her sexuality to open the door to more consistent and direct lines of communication.

Emotional safety also comes in the form of how you handle yourself in the face of her emotional and psychological vulnerability. Men are typically very uneasy when women become more emotional and less rational. Some scientists say that when women are in the height of their emotions, they have eight times the amount of blood flow to the emotional center of their brains than men do. This means that men experience women’s expression of emotion as much more of a red alert than women do. Understanding this can help you not to catastrophize her moodiness; no need to call in the troops, just allow it to happen and ask her what she needs from you.

How you handle yourself when she is in the midst of these moments is another crucial element. Try your best to be gentle and understanding. Though you’re likely to have your own set of reactions, try to hold it back for the moment and be receptive to her need to express herself. Avoid problem solving, interrupting or becoming defensive. Providing reflective listening (see more in the Communication Track), undivided attention, calm body language, volume and tone go far when she’s in the height of expressing herself. Do not be tempted by using the material she shares as ammunition in a future conflict. If you want her to feel safe, she must have the sense that you’re not going to use her vulnerability as a weapon against her.

Finally, your openness to expressing yourself will facilitate emotional safety in your relationship. Enhancing your own capability to thoughtfully and appropriately express yourself will give her the sense that she is safe to do the same. Though men don’t typically use verbal communication as their preferred modality to resolve matters, it is a muscle that you’re going to have to learn how to flex if you want to have a harmonious relationship. Taking steps to identify how your feeling and what you’re thinking and to express them will endear her to you. I’m not suggesting that you have to pour yourself out and become a sobbing mess, but I am suggesting that learning how to engage and remain in conversations about how you really feel will enhance your understanding and connection with one another.

More than anything, be patient with yourself and with her. Just like anything we’re talking about, this too is a process and one that will require practice. I know this is a lot to take in and not to worry, there’s much more on this in the Conflict Management and Communication Tracks…

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Approaching Women Course 2 – How to Approach

Lesson Two

Styles of Approach

By Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

Now let’s get into the styles of approach and a little more of what to say and how to say it.

Know that even I still practice and focus on the process.  So learning what you have is definitely going to continue to be beneficial.   I am constantly trying out new things and testing out theories.  One reason is so that I can teach them to you; the other more important reason is that it is entertainment for me.  If I bomb the process ridiculously it is always a learning experience and a great laugh for me and my friends when I tell them about it.  I will also tell you more about it in the Ask Phil Lesson of the site as well as the Forums.  If the process is a success with one woman and a failure with another, I test it again to see why and I have yet to run out of beautiful women to interact with.  The reason I have the success I do with women is three fold.  As you adopt these you will have the level of success you desire as well:

1. I am not afraid to walk away from or blow it with any woman.
2. I know and firmly believe that the deal I bring to the table is solid and I can back up my promises when I decide to take a relationship to the next level.
3. I am completely convinced that, though she may have pretty feathers, she must prove to me that she is bringing more to the table or I am not interested.

We have helped you to change the way you look at women.  We have helped you to focus on the process instead of the outcome.  In other lessons of the website we help you with your Persona, your Image, and your Body Language (You capitalize things here that I don’t feel should be capitalized.  Are you trying to make these technical terms in your program?  If it’s a conscious choice of making them stand out, great but if not and you’re not making this choice across the board then they need to be lowercase letters).  Now let’s talk about what you need to pay attention to about yourself.

You might have already started working on your UAP as well as your Image and Style, so we’ll assume those are already in place or in the process of development or, at a minimum, on the list of courses you are going to study very soon.

In other courses we discuss body language basics.  Something that is important to understand from that lesson is that 58% of what you are saying is being communicated by your body.  The good news is that even if you don’t genuinely believe in your Better Deal yet (you will, but it can take some time), you can fake the majority of the body language indicators of confidence at least enough to get you in the door and working on the process of approaching women.  Keep the following body language indicators at the top of your brain when approaching a woman and talking with her:

What to avoid:

• Fidgeting.
• Hands in pockets, or crossed arms.
• Shoulders rolled over and head down.
• Shuffling or tapping your feet.
• Hands on hips or raised high in the air above your head.
• Poor eye contact.
• Touching your face, particularly your mouth and nose.
• Wringing your hands.
• Tense muscles (this includes flexing the guns).
• Strained smiles or strained muscles in the face.

What to make sure you are doing:

• Stand up straight with shoulders back and hands to the side or moving while talking.
• If you must put your hands in your pockets, leave your thumb out or hook your thumb and leave your fingers out.
• Stand at a slight angle from your girl and as you progress square off (face her directly).
• Stand with most of your weight on one foot and your legs relaxed.  (Perhaps this should just read “Stand with a natural stance.”
• Maintain eye contact about 60 to 70% of the time; in the other 30 to 40% make obvious glances around the room and scan her whole face, very occasionally dropping down to her midsection and right back up to her eyes with no remorse.
• Face your feet towards her.
• Do your best to occasionally mirror her (e.g. hold your drink the way she holds hers, if she has her hands clasped on one knee do something similar).  As you have probably guessed, you need to be cautious and not obvious.  Definitely do NOT to overdo this one.
• Preen yourself slightly, such as adjusting your sleeves without making it into a show or spectacle.
• Smile openly showing teeth.
• Use your facial expressions openly and expressively.
• Move closer and pull away occasionally.
• Touch her when you recognize her body language signals interest to advance.  There is a ton of data on this subject in the communication courses as well as the course on Her Body Language.

OK, those are the basics and enough to help you to be successful.  It is not hard, but guys who are not confident will hide out in the “what to avoid” body language and not even know they are doing it.  Keep it in your head that you need to be doing the activities in the second list as fluidly as possible.  If it appears mechanical she will know that you are forcing it and not really confident or comfortable.

Tone and pace provides the next 35% of communication and creation of attraction.  Tone is an indicator of the attitude of the person who produced it.  If it is forced and sounds like you are squeezing every word out of your throat then you will not be perceived as relaxed, in control, and ready to offer her a Better Deal.  Taking a few deep breaths will help keep your voice box relaxed and make it easier for you to maintain a well balanced, lower tone.  The more relaxed your tone of voice is the more confident and secure in yourself you will appear (Relaxed does not mean quiet.  Mumbling or speaking too softly will not support you and will give the impression of a lack of confidence).  Using different tone and inflection is critical as well.  You have been bored to tears before by the people that talk in a monotone that sounds as if they are reading from a dictionary.  Don’t do this to your girl.

Pace plays a big role as well.  If you can time your pace to a metronome you are going to put her to sleep and definitely not create the sexual tension and fun that you need to keep the dance moving forward.  You have experienced talking with people who sound like they are talking to the beat of a drum; bad news and BORING.  Pace is important from different aspects.  Let me explain.  If someone walks up to you and you are in an excited and happy mood and they start talking to you very slowly and melancholy, are you going to be receptive to them?

Another example: if you are in the saddest mood you have been in for three years and someone walks up to you bouncing off the walls with glee, are you going to want to talk to them or kick them?  Yeah, I know the answer.  So tone and pace are huge players.  Always start upbeat, confident and middle of the road on pace and check in with the woman you are approaching.  If she goes to the more upbeat side then match her, if she goes to the slower and deeper stay in the middle ground on pace.  It takes practice, but you can practice with everyone and you will see them react differently to you almost immediately.  Once you have matched tone and pace then you can take the lead and move the tone and pace around a little in the conversation.  This is a great tool for creating a sense of bonding and likeness.

Finally we have the last 7%: the words you use.  If you have done your work above then the words that come out of your mouth are of little importance because most of the message has already been delivered, but I will help you to create the brilliance of a silver tongued devil.

Things to absolutely avoid:

• Any mention of physical violence, spoken or demonstrated.
• Any form of questionable jokes; particularly demeaning or concerning her safety (even something as obvious as, “I would tell you, but I would have to kill you,” still puts the question of you killing her in her head).
• Religious or spiritual slander or attacks.
• Self demeaning comments, even in jest.

OK, with that out of the way I am going to give you a list of approach styles I believe are effective and will help you to identify them so you can choose a style that fits your personality and use what fits you.

Approach Styles:

Confident conversational – This is my favorite and the one I use when I am not testing or messing around and really want to have something get started with a girl who has my attention.  This is as simple as walking up to a girl, demonstrating inviting body language and using my Unique Appealing Persona to simply say, “Hi, how are you?”  Where I go from there is determined by how she responds to me.  If she smiles and answers with more than a “fine,” off I go to the races because she definitely wants to talk more.  If she doesn’t even look or she scowls at me with a short snip of an answer, I have to decide to work on some other approaches with her to test them out or walk away.  If I am feeling particularly good about myself and feel that I need to defend my self esteem I always have a few statements to save face up my sleeve.  My favorite needs a little acting, but it is fun:  If she is just mean, I act out with disappointment and say something like, “Ah damn, I hate being wrong!  I absolutely insisted to my friends that you were not going to be a cold fish and now I have to go back to them and admit they were right,” then I smile and walk away.  Another defense example is to simple say, “Oops, I’m sorry I mistook you for a nice person.”

Ask questions – This is really just another form of the confident conversational approach.  Here are some situational questions you can ask to get the ball rolling with a woman that interests you.  As you’ll notice, most of these aren’t even “real” questions.  They are really just reasons to get a conversation started.  So let’s cover some places where this approach works well:

• Anywhere – You can always use what we call off situational but general knowledge, which is really just a fancy way to say “off the wall questions.”  For instance, at the time I was writing this material we were in the midst of a ton of presidential debates and media coverage, so one of my favorites was to walk up to women and ask them, “Hey, can you help me out?  My friends and I were trying to figure out who our previous 5 Presidents were?”  This is conversational, but so far from sounding like a pick up or threat that it may get her talking to you.  If she blows you off you have lost nothing and proved that she isn’t as intelligent as you may have thought.  You can use this with any kind of situation.  If you are traveling and talk to a local try, “Can you tell me the five closest countries?” then move onto what you absolutely must see and keep the conversation moving.
• Grocery store – Asking for her opinion of the fish or the beef or, if you are feeling adventurous and playful, ask something like, “Will this steak make me look fat?”
• Bookstore – Making a comment on the book she is looking at or asking her opinion of what book you should be looking at in the particular section you are standing in.  If you have a funny book in your hand about relationships for men or women you might ask, again if you are feeling adventurous, something like, “Who do you think needs this book more, men or women?”
• Coffee shop – Anything to do with the surroundings.  For example, last week I walked up to a girl who was sitting at a table in the highest traffic area in the store and reading.  I said with a smile, “That book must either be the most interesting read ever, or you have amazing focus.”  In another instance a girl was sitting near the bathroom also near the place where you pick up your order and I smiled and said, “Did you sit here for the attention, or to keep getting bumped into?”  Both women responded with a smile and a comment, and off to the conversation races we went.  Just a side note: I kept the conversations light and playful and then used an exit close and said, “I am really enjoying our conversation but I have to run, how should I get hold of you?”  Both women shared their numbers.
• Bars and clubs – I will usually look to make eye contact with a smile.  Immediately after I get the smile and the look away with a return look I am over to her with a smile and a, “Hi, how are you?”  I will talk later about some off the wall approaches for this environment.  I am not big on bars and clubs because women are on high alert and the competition is fierce.  I typically use these as practice grounds for trying stuff out.  Don’t be discouraged because many of the off the wall questions and of course simply approaching with confidence and bravado are successful in bar scenes; it is just not my personal preference.
• Single’s events – I use a relaxing question or a comment about the environment in these situations.  For example, “I am usually very confident with people, but for some reason I am a bit nervous in here.  How about you?”  Watch for her response and go with it from there.  I talk more about going with it later in the course.

More questions for your approach (not a style, but I thought we could add some thoughts for your mind to start mulling over) – Remember, as long as you present yourself as we have discussed and you have embedded into your brain that you really are bringing a Better Deal and that she is simply the female of the species who has a lot to gain from getting to know you, most anything that rolls off your tongue is going to get the conversation started, and that is what is important not just the result simply ask her anything off the wall to catch her off guard and peak her curiosity.

One question that my friends like to bust my balls about but is successful is to ask off the wall questions like, “I have a question for you. What’s your pet’s name?”  Now she is going to respond 1 of 5 ways: she’ll ask you why; she’ll ask how I know she has a pet; she’ll tell me her pet’s name; she’ll say she doesn’t have one; or she’ll tell me to go away…any of which are fine.

When she asks “why” I can go one of two ways.  With the first way I say, “Well, I wanted to talk to you, so instead of using a cheesy pick up line I thought I would ask about something I like.  I like dogs and don’t really like rodents.  So does your have a pet have a name?”  If she tells me with a smile I ask, “So what is a (insert pet’s name)?” and off we go.  If she says she doesn’t have one, I say something like “Hmm, shall I guess why?” with a huge (but still natural) grin.  When she says sure, I go with, “Too spoiled, and a pet would take attention away from you?” or, “Devoted career woman with plastic plants?” Be sure to smile when you’re busting her chops.  However she answers, I move on with the conversation and talk about the subjects she brings up.  If she starts to go away from the subject or gets testy, I simply adjust.  Second way, I tell her “Well, I just read in a magazine that you can tell a lot about a person by the pet they own or don’t and what they name them, so I thought I would see how accurate this stuff is!”   From there, if she tells you she doesn’t have one then go with something like, “Oh, that says you are selfish and kind of cold,” shaking your head kind of disapprovingly and then follow quickly with a big smile and, “Or you have monstrous plans of being successful, which is it with you?”  Off to the conversation races you go.  If she gives you the pet’s name out of curiosity, find out first what type of pet it is and then go with a couple of compliments like, “That says that you are creative and spicy,” then throw in something to get her riled up like, “But, you are often high maintenance,” (or selfish, or needy, etc.) whichever one seems to fit the breed to you.  If it is a mutt, then needy fits; if it is a purebred, then go with high maintenance.  You get the point, make it fit and fun.  If she has a cat then get the breed again and use a similar set of words.  If it is an exotic pet, then everything still applies, just throw something in there about creativity.  Kind of pick it out of the bits of her personality that you can see so far, but be sure to throw in the one that will get her riled up so the conversation can continue when she disagrees (or even if she agrees).

Off the wall assistance questions or situational questions all get the ball rolling. Just remember to have fun and don’t be afraid to ask questions that seem out there or even a bit over the edge like, “Who lies more, little boys or little girls?” then go on from there, remembering to give her a bit of a hard time about some of her answers.  Don’t beat her up, though.  Sometimes guys using this approach get the response they want at first so they continue to beat her down; remember this is all supposed to be lighthearted and fun, not an inquisition.  The more confident and comfortable you are the more effective this approach is.

Confident humorous – No joke telling, but something different and blatantly funny or teasing.  For example, walk up to a girl at the bar smile and say, “Hello.”  If she smiles and responds, then ask her if she is open to help you with a serious guy dilemma.  When she smiles and says, “Sure” follow with, “Which would be a better pick up approach to use with you, go with the obviously ridiculous and start laughing like, ‘Hey, is it loud in here or is that just my heart pounding,’ or a smile and hello?”  Depending on which way she goes you work the conversation and enjoy.  And if she calls you on using a line in itself you laugh and ask her if you are making any points?  And still move the conversation along.  Confidence that even borders on arrogance is the key.  You can insert any “guy dilemma” or age old guy/girl question you want.  Know that whatever you say, if you think it’s funny then it’s funny; period.  If she doesn’t get it that’s her problem.  This one takes a bit of practice, but when you nail it you have great openers.  Teasing is another way to go on this approach style.  Give her a hard time about the situation or something about her.  For example, I was standing next to this lovely young woman in the grocery store and she was wearing pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt, so I said to her, “Well thank God you got dressed up for your trip to the store.”  I smiled and she smiled and responded, “Yeah, I had to get all dolled up.”  I laughed a bit and said, “Well, I would hate to see what you wear when you are out on a date.”  She laughed and said, “It isn’t all THAT bad.”  Obviously the door was open so I said, “I guess you will just have to prove that one to me, what do you say we grab a cup of coffee this week?”  She smiled and wrote her number on my receipt.   Simple, situational humor is what you want.  Nothing will help you more in this department than going to an improvisation humor class.  This is fun and will help you to wing situational humor.

Flirting with eyes and smiles – This is an interesting approach because you really aren’t saying anything for the majority of the approach.  For instance, you see the girl, make eye contact and smile, and she returns the smile.  You look away and look back up and make eye contact again, this time you mouth, “Hi,” which she returns.  The approach is over at that point because it is time to start any conversation on the planet.  Almost any question besides, “Do you come here often?” is going to get things moving.  What I use in this situation is something like, “Hi, I loved your smile, what else should I know about you?”  If you are leaving or planning to leave shortly you can also use, “Hi, you know, I enjoyed flirting with you across the room, (smiles) but my friends and I are heading out, (frowns) how should I get hold of you so we can find out more about each other?” Easy, two minutes at most and you have her number and her curiosity.

There are others, but these are enough to get you started and begin to create your own.  Avoid the cliché and complimenting tactics, particularly if the women are extremely good looking.  The only exception to this is when you can recognize something about her that has nothing to do with her looks.  If she did something very generous or selfless for someone, you may walk up to her and say, “I am impressed that you were so generous, you don’t see that in people as much as I wish you would,” or if you heard her speak and she was very articulate you could compliment her on her intelligence.  You could also have a little fun with her and test out her sense of humor or challenge her with something like, “Now you have my attention, pretty and intelligent, but do you have a sense of humor?” or “Pretty and social values, impressive, but do you get out and camp or is it city girl all the way for you?”

Avoid the belief that to get her number you have to talk to her for an extended period of time.  There is no guideline requiring you to talk “X” amount of time before you get her phone number.  When you have a reason to get her number get it as soon as you have the opportunity.  If in your Social Market you have planned a party or have been invited to a party or event, bring it up when the opportunity arises and get her number to tell her where it is and how to get there.  You do not have to seal the deal. The point of the conversation is to get to the next level.  Getting her number or taking her for a first date right then and there is the next level, so focus on the process of accomplishing that and nothing more.

POINT OF DISCUSSION: One point that we must make is that you DO NOT need to have a creative question that is different for every girl you encounter. It is important for you to realize that even though you may have used the same question or approach 5 times this week after using it 5 times the previous week, it is the FIRST time she has heard it!  Most likely you have gotten better at delivering it after the first couple times anyway!  You can even use the “help me out” questions with groups of girls or girls that don’t know each other standing side by side if the first one doesn’t respond all that well.

Don’t make this into a complicated mess.  The whole point of the approach is to break the ice.  Realize that the last two lessons have all been about the first 10 seconds of an interaction. I absolutely promise you that, “Hi, how are you?” is just as effective if presented as we have described.  The only difference is with such a basic question she is going to be aware that you are interested in starting a conversation.  You will have to overcome a few of those primitive warning systems, but as long as you remain comfortable then she will too.

As we have said many times, all of this is even easier when you have a Social Market to work with, because even if you don’t know everyone at a particular event or have not been introduced to someone, you are both at the same event and there for a similar reason.  Her defenses are going to be down more than in the average situation.

We will be giving you more tools and information in the forums, in new courses, and the advice columns that are in the site. What we have given you to start with is enough to get out there and be successful, I assure you, but because we are guys we know MORE is BETTER!

In the next lesson we are going to talk a little about what is going on in her head.

Single- Safety

What Makes Women Run (and Hide)

By:  Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team

By now, you have some clues (hopefully) about the kinds of things that help women feel safe and why this is an important part of our biological makeup.  I am not usually a fan of telling people what not to do, as I favor putting things in the form of the affirmative.  However, knowing what some of the glaring red lights are and what women interpret from them may be helpful in understanding our thought process a bit more.

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, safety is much broader than physical protection and reduction of harm.  It encompasses emotional as well as psychological wellbeing.  We make 100’s of automatic assessments, interpretations and assertions in an effort to ensure our health, safety and to maximize our happiness, now and in the future.  Men make these assessments as well, just on different criteria like whether a woman will make a good bearer and caretaker of his children.  We are constantly taking in information, visually, verbally and energetically to determine our safety to open ourselves up physically and emotionally to the opposite sex.

Here are some things that we see as absolute red flags (translation: if any of these describe you or your behavior, consider making some changes and look to our site for further assistance).

• Anger problems. This does not mean that if you have ever had trouble managing anger in the past, that you’re out of the picture, but we want to know that you’ve rehabilitated and established new ways of expressing yourself.  We want to know that you’ve learned from your past choices and have taken time to make healthier decisions.  However, if you still have that angry edge to you, this will signal to her that you may still be unsafe and volatile.

• Long history of short, dramatic relationships.  This signals that you could do the same with the new gal in your life and she’ll wonder why you have difficulty sustaining relationships and developing intimacy.  It can’t always be the psycho chick’s fault…after all, you attracted them into your life.  This feels unsafe for a new woman because she may wonder what her shelf life is and how long it may take until she’s your new ex-girlfriend.  See my track on Dealing With Baggage for more help on how to get through your past to establish the kind of connection you really want.

• Incessant calling, texting or emailing.  This is considered stalking by many and is just plain unacceptable.  This is neither dignified nor attractive behavior.  Neediness will drive women away or attract the kind that is just as desperate…sounds like a gargantuan pot of drama soup to me.  My material on confidence will give you more insight.  You have to be willing to walk away if she’s not returning your advances.  Not only do you deserve someone who wants and appreciates you, but compromising yourself for the sake of the recognition of one woman is not in your best interest.  Keep your decorum and self-respect and move on.

• Chronic money problems.  Again, this doesn’t mean that a period of financial challenge will blacklist you.  Chronic and troublesome finances may signal a deeper struggle with your relationship to money.  With traditional gender roles rapidly shifting and changing, most women today do not expect to be catered to and eternally provided for.  What most do want, however, is a financial partner to collaborate with and create their desired lifestyle together.  Finances are one of the major causes of marital discord.  An unwillingness to address a long history of fiscal problems can scare her about how this may manifest in an unstable future (I told you we are constantly thinking in the future, didn’t I?)

• Doggy Dog need a Jobby Job.  Incessant issues staying employed or having major issues playing nicely with co-workers, colleagues or bosses.  We’re all for you moving on if something isn’t suiting you (we’ve all made a choice or two like that in our lives), but the concern is when you cease to learn from your choices and continue to replay the same track over and over again.  Whether this is due to an underlying difficulty with authority or communication challenges, this is not only a interpersonal concern, but a financial one as well.  Even beyond this, I would even come to question whether a man really knows himself well enough to put himself in healthy and supportive environments that are going to help him thrive.  This is a peek into his internal stability and relationship with himself as well.

• Addictions.  This goes for all kinds…gambling, sex, drugs, spending, alcohol, tobacco.  The dependency on an outside entity for fulfillment, to numb or distract you can signal inner discontent and emotional instability.  Justifying or denying the issue is to delay making the changes necessary to cope with the cause of your pain in a more adaptive way.  She will be looking into the crystal ball of the future and wonder what her life as the partner of an addict will look like:  Broke?  Abused?  Alone?  These are the opposite of security and she’ll think twice before getting involved.  My lesson on When to Ask for Help will guide you about where and when to seek professional assistance.

• Bitter, severed family relationships.  We all have those family members that we’d rather not call family.  Just because we have genetic ties to them doesn’t mean that we can relate or want to associate with them.  Perhaps you have overly dramatic, abusive or non-supportive family members and choose not to have close affiliations with them.  If your choice for distance is because it is in your best interest not to associate with their problems, then this is a healthy and adaptive decision.  However, if you carry baggage in the form of bitterness, resentment and anger toward them, this can signal that you’re not over it, you’re simply avoiding the issue.  Reconciliation is not always possible or desirable, but your choice to harbor negative feelings is. She will see this as a red flag because she’s wondering if you’d potentially turn your back on her and your future family one day.  Refer back to my Dealing With Baggage course for more. 

Those are the biggies, but please don’t read this to mean that any history with these discounts you from a shot with a new woman.  Even if you’re in the midst of dealing with one of these challenges, but you are making strides to get through and past them still does not mean you’re disqualified.  In fact, your willingness to recognize the struggle and your courage to do something about it shows dedication and tenacity that women appreciate.  Perfection (whatever that means) is not the ultimate prize.  A man’s capacity to use his past, including painful choices as fodder for future healthy decisions is admirable and will earn you respect and admiration.

Approaching Women Course 2 – How to Approach

Lesson One: Introduction

This is an interesting course and a lot of fun; this is where we tell you about techniques, styles, and the ins and outs of approaching women in various circumstances.  But before we go into a list of what to say, there is something very important for you to understand….

There is a BETTER WAY!

We teach this information so that you have something tangible to use immediately to meet women, but our preferred method of meeting and enjoying the company of beautiful women with similar interests is to create an environment where you’re surrounded by them.

We call this tool your Social Market.  There are several courses on how to use this tool and it is like creating a personal dating service designed and packaged just for you!  The only catch is that it does take some work to put it together.  It does take time, practice and patience, but once you have this machine running it is truly a fun and seemingly magical life changer!

Understand that we will teach you what you need to know to be successful at approaching women on the street or wherever you want to meet them and we will teach you in other courses how to be extremely successful in Online Dating and how to eliminate your Approach Anxiety.  But in the end we are hoping you make your life ultimately more fun, relaxed, and easier by having women with similar interests endorse you to their friends.  Have those women that are introduced to you meet you in environments where you are confident, surrounded by people (not just your buddies) who like and support you and where in some cases you are the leader of the pack!  How do you think they are going to react to you in that scenario?

The reason we tell you this in this course and after we have already worked you over in your mindset change is that we understand guys; except for Jessica of course, we are all guys!  We know that this is one of the first courses you are going to learn from.  Please continue on this journey because the tools and techniques you will learn in this lesson can be applied even to your Social Market, but after you create your Social Market you are going to approach random women with a whole new perspective and what we have seen in the past is when you are in that state of mind and position, your success rate in approaching women skyrockets because you are not tied to the outcome of any random encounter ever again!  Take a look at the Social Market course, it will change your social life and maybe even influence other areas of your life if you want it to!

Okay, we are going to cover a lot of ground.  It is our opinion that there really is no magic bullet.  I have tried and tested just about every “guru’s” techniques on the market today and over the past ten years.  I have tried hypnosis, NLP (what is this?  Write it out because not everyone will necessarily know what it is), insulting women, complimenting women, being the nice guy, jerk, friend, asking questions, using specific lines and patterns, gimmicks, plus numerous other methods and tricks.  Some of them worked in certain situations and not in others, some of them got me slapped, insulted, and called every name in the book, but the bottom line is that NONE of them worked in every situation every time.

I want to be perfectly clear that there is no one line or system that will work with every woman in every situation.  If such a line existed, don’t you think that women would learn it and not be affected by it any longer?  Of course, it is silly to think otherwise.  We also offer another course on creating your own openers so be certain to study that course as well to support you even further!

I have had relationships with numerous women, some for just a night, some for several years, some women I owe sincere apologies to and others I feel owe me an apology; but to all of those women I have been with I owe a great deal of gratitude because they have taught me so much and I am passing that on to you.  I don’t tell you this to brag or impress you, I am telling you this because it is important that you understand that I really have tried out and tested what I teach.

We, as The First 10 Minutes, have interviewed women from all over and asked them the questions you want answered.  We will show you some of those clips throughout the website, but again the point is to simply validate for you that what we teach is going to work for you.

The reason we put so much emphasis on the Social Market is because throughout my experience and working with our clients, that is the method that created the most success with the least amount of stress for both myself and my one-on-one coaching clients.  An additional piece of information as it applies to me: the women that I met through what we call the Social Market were the women that I ended up staying with for extended periods of time.  The women I met more randomly ended up being more of a fling most of the time.  If that is what you’re after then that is great for you, but not necessarily the primary focus of what we teach.  Understand that we want you to date and be as successful as you want to be with as many women as you want to be with; and the truth is you can have amazing success.  The woman’s profile and the reminders tied to the calendar will help you to keep all of them straight and have you looking like a superstar.  We even built a specific course to help you to date multiple women, but ultimately we are hoping that you date several women, even if you are dating them all at once, so that you can find the one you want to be with for a very long time.

So let’s move on to the first lesson on approaching women.  This lesson is going to help you particularly if you get nervous approaching women even though you’ve completed the last course and probably have a different perception of women.  If you are just starting out, this is for you.

The very first thing you need to understand, which we talked about it in the last course, is that you must ALWAYS maintain your ability and willingness to walk away from ANY woman!  You are going to hear this throughout the remaining lessons and we want you to take it seriously, because this is one of the mindset tools that help to create a relaxed and playful presence; more on that later.

Guys talk to us about getting tongue tied and unsure of what to do next when they approach a woman, so we devised a system to help you to stay focused on something other than the girl.  One of our primary techniques to supporting men in the approach is to keep his focus on the process and not the outcome. So we broke down the process into a goal setting system.

Now that you have watched the video, I want you to understand we are not trying to make this complicated.  We have seen plenty of “systems” out there that either make it so simplistic it only works in certain situations or so complicated it would take two guys and a computer to figure out what they are really trying to say.  We break the approach down into a step by step, goal oriented process.  And the reason that this process is important is to keep you feeling successful with women.  Think about your past experiences: if you approached a woman and got rejected, you felt like you’d failed; if you didn’t get her number, you felt like you’d failed; on and on.  This allows you to be successful more times than not. ß I don’t understand this final sentence.  Does this truly follow and conclude your point?  I didn’t see the video for this section so perhaps that’s why I don’t understand.

Something very important for you to understand as you are learning more about the different approach styles and tools is that what works on a 23 year old barfly and what works on a 35 year old successful business woman is NOT the same.  There may be similarities and there are always exceptions, but you must learn to use your head when approaching women and of course keep in mind that the entire purpose of the approach is not to have her fall in love with you on the spot, it is simply to start a conversation and start the process of creating fun and entertainment for the BOTH of you.  Nothing more.

On to the next lesson.

Predicting Bachelor Sean’s Likely Choice: PRE-FINALE!

by Christian Hellmers and TheFirst10Minutes.com Team

Catherine is a very interesting choice for Sean but based on everything we’ve heard, her choice would be a surprise.  They play well together but we saw virtually no serious talks.  Even her expressions tipped us to believe that she was shocked to be in the final three.  But networks are sneaky.  They want us to be fooled so they watch next season.  If he choses her, then he’s looking for a casual relationship, especially since her family eluded to her being far from marriage.  That’s perfectly okay because this show doesn’t have to be completely about marriage!

Long story short. The girl who took the biggest risk in wearing a wedding dress was able to show Sean that she truly is a special goofball goddess.  This is a rare feat indeed for someone to overcome a first impression but she earned his heart because she was authentic.  For the men, let this be a lesson, give women who take risks a serious look because that sort of confidence is rare and addicting.  For the women out there, the best way to connect with a high caliber masculine man is to be playful, silly, and genuine.  Lindsay and Sean have a legitimate shot at making this work because their relationship is built on fun and sincerity.  The way that Sean has already talked about houses with Lindsay indicates he’s ready for the real life transition with her.

We just wonder if Dez or Ashlee will be the next Bachelorette?

by Christian Hellmers and TheFirst10Minutes.com Team

We are utterly shocked that Desiree was dismissed presumably due to a family challenge, considering her brother’s attitude was intense. But nevertheless, Sean is a sensitive soul and comes across quite well versed in his needs. A serious love must have the capacity to endure significant challenges and the fact that Sean bailed despite her plea to understand the situation illustrates how vital a non-confrontational family is to Sean’s needs. Clearly he could have fallen in love with Desiree. That is evident to us all. But he chose not to take on that project/distraction. One thing about masculine men is that they are decisive. I’m sure he’ll reflect on what could have been with Desiree but the heart is the heart. Sean doesn’t need to explain himself. Something was off despite our outside observer view that they could have lived happily ever after. Keep in mind that men also don’t tell all when they wish to check out of a relationship because men hate to hurt women, especially for reasons that make them look superficial.

There’s a few key questions that arise out of this decision for us to integrate into our love lives…
Q) Why do our emotions often conflict with normal logic?
A) Nobody understands our emotions better than us. Some may question if Sean is ready for a deeper love like the one we saw with Desiree developing, yet clearly he has that with the other two women so we’d beg to differ. All it takes is a little voice inside our heart to tell us to run. That voice isn’t loud. It doesn’t talk back often. It could be part intuition, part life experience, part fear, and part divine influence. Either way, logic doesn’t reside in the part of the brain that makes decisions as proven by neuroscience. Love is a unique bizarre force that inspires us to live romantically and beyond. It doesn’t make sense for us to spend all day doing something for someone but we do it because we feel the need to connect however we feel best!

Q) Is it possible to really predict what our friends need in a lover?
A) How many friends of yours are mismatched in your opinion? I would imagine more than half! What’s clear about love is nothing from an outside perspective. How many times have you tried to talk your friend out of a potentially less savory relationship to no avail? We know what WE need when we’re in love, but explaining it or advising others is almost futile, roughly 90% of the time. We think we know when others are in it but do we really? We only see how people act and spend time in front of us. Since everyone has different emotional needs and capacities and whispers, some highly private and complex and unusual, it’s safe to say that we rarely see or understand the true loving side of another person. Therefore if ever asked for advice, just allow your friend to talk and sort it out by asking provocative heartfelt questions that they might not be asking themselves. Don’t think you know better!

Q) When should women trust a man, better yet a good man?
A) The answer is a paradox moment to moment. The more a woman trusts, the more men slack. The more a woman questions, the more a man feels he needs to earn a woman’s heart which gives him a sense of purpose but possibly tiring him out. The balancing act of trust, disclosure, intuition, and surrender is different per person. We each must choose when to prioritize what. Sometimes the truth may hurt too much to disclose. Sometimes the truth will set you free. Sometimes our safety rules all and forces us to do things we wish we didn’t, whether its withdrawing or over-sharing. By not asking the question “Do I trust him or her?”, you are in the NOW of relationship and connected to a higher power being loved through you. If you have to ask this question, something islikely wrong. Fear is always on the radar but when you’re in your head with fear too often, that’s when the end is inevitable.

So back to Sean…

Here’s where we think his heart may be at now and who he might take home in the end:

Catherine
* They play like they are boyfriend and girlfriend as he says; the question is whether or not Catherine is ready for marriage.
* Catherine’s family doesn’t appear to be as strong of a fit as Sean’s vision for an ideal family.
* It appears that she doesn’t meet his needs for a serious emotional partner.
* It didn’t help at all that her friends described her as bouncing from relationship to relationship.
* By Sean asking her, “Honestly, do you think she’s ready to settle down?” leads us to believe that he was leading the witness i.e. he is far too skeptical that she isn’t ready for a family at this time.
* By his family not giving him the blessing for marriage nor seeing her ready for kids soon, that adds more doubt.
* The fact that he was debating between her and Desiree indicates the decision has been made.

AshLee
* Sean said that it took him by surprise that she said “I Love You” last week- this could be a tell that he feels too much pressure and responsibility for her feelings considering her upbringing….it’s unusual for someone to say that if two people are both feeling it!
* She’s putting him up on a pedestal too often with her words as if he’s a prize- which can be dangerous for good men.
* While sharing some deep points about his feelings for her, Sean’s looking down on and not at Ashlee in the eyes. His face twitches too at one point while giving her a compliment which signifies he might not be telling the truth.
* Telling him he’s soooo handsome that she “loves looking at him” is a bit much and can scare men away.
* She’s a bit dramatic about her feelings at times, but Sean likes that style (remember Tierra) so that suits his emotional needs well.
* Sean looks away when asked, “Will you break her heart?”…hmmmm
* The fact that AshLee’s dad is super sensitive and has a position in the church couldn’t be any more perfect for his vision for a family, plus they live in Texas!

Lindsay
* The fact that Sean shares how nervous he is on camera shows how much he trusts her, especially since he’s a powerful man.
* Forcing Sean to do some push-ups shows she can be playful again and again.
* When they sit down in front of her parents, they can’t keep their hands off each other; that sort of public affection is the most we’ve seen so far.
* He brings up that Lindsay is only 24 but the way he asks it, you can tell he’s almost rooting for her to be ready.
* The chemistry between her mom and him was the best by far!
* Her father and him get along well, which is better than Sean had anticipated and gives him a deep sense of relief.
* Sharing how much he enjoyed her family before he left came across ultra genuine.
* Her father giving him dog tags was a nice touch too!

Desiree
* The prank was awesome and clever just like Sean did to Emily last season!
* Everything was overshadowed by the way her brother welcomed Sean during dinner.
* Her brother expressed his opinion in a dramatic fashion and seemed way too harsh based on a small amount of interaction between them two.
* The fact that Desiree and Sean didn’t really talk about his painful experience confronting her brother made things worse for him to feel into without her there.
* Why Desiree didn’t prep Sean for the drama that could unfold with her brother could have been another reason for him not to fully trust her emotionally.
* She gave it a great heartfelt last try to tell him that she loved him- she gave it her all undoubtedly, except comforting him more during their hometown date disaster dinner.
* Even if she had said “I love you” “I love you” “I love you”, it probably wouldn’t have done anything based on how he is too mature for that in his ideal family, given alternatives.

Do you think Sean mistakenly let Desiree go? And who do you think he will end up with now?  Leave us your comments here!