Section 6: Ditch the Girl!
Ok, so why am I talking about ditching her when we’re working so hard to coach you on how to get her? It’s because you have to be willing to walk away if you aren’t getting what you want. We women respect you men who value yourselves enough to hold out for what you really want. We don’t want a pity fuck. We don’t want you to compromise. We respect the men that know what you’re after and are willing to hold out for it until they find it. It’s about seeing this as a giant practice game, no stress, no counting against your GPA or your ERA…only an opportunity to have fun and learn about what works and what doesn’t work.
So maybe you’ve been involved with this new gal for several weeks or months and you’re seeing some things that you don’t like. Now, wait, before you ditch the whole thing, is she bringing up things that deserve your attention? Is she highlighting things that other women in your life have found undesirable? If so, take the opportunity to ask questions and be willing to look at what there may be for you to learn here before you walk away. If several women are bringing up the same thing, then you are the holder of the issue, not her. Though this may be hard to hear, it’s like getting the customer feedback that helps you address some major holes in your business and eventually leads you to better practices.
Realize that you attracted her to your life and willingly participated so far, so maybe you’ve been advertising for the wrong gal. Maybe you’re not being so clear about what you want or you’re not being honest about your true beliefs about women or relationships and this deserves your attention…now. Before you recreate this with someone new, see what you can garner from this current experience first. I liken this to chopping off a weed at the surface; you can continue to hack them out of your garden, but if you don’t address the root, they’ll continuously show up. However, if you’ve learned all you can and determined that there are aspects that simply are not compatible with what you want in a partner, then you need to be willing to keep moving. And then examine what kind of bait you’re putting out there before you cast another line.
When you decide to move on, there is a classy way to do this. Not calling her back, claiming mysterious cell phone malfunctions or suddenly having no time for her is simply immature and avoidant. This is passive aggressive behavior and you’re too cowardice to tell her that you don’t see it moving forward. There are a couple of different things to consider when having this discussion…if this is someone that you’ve only casually dated and have not had much time or connection with, then you don’t need to provide full disclosure about your differences. It’s enough to say that you don’t think your paths and wants are compatible.
On the other hand, if it’s someone you’ve spent a considerable amount of time with, is this the first time you’ve brought up your concerns? Think twice before dropping a bomb on her and practice some direct communication about what’s bothering you. Make sure to not to point the finger, but rather to make a statement about how you experience her. Remember that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to your feelings and how you feel in her presence. When you begin telling her that there’s something wrong or faulty about who she is crosses the line into judgment and criticism. The fact is that she is ok the way she is, this just may not be compatible with what you’re looking for. There are other men who may be able to fully accept and appreciate who she is and what she has to offer without trying to change her. Finding yourself wishing she were different means that you simply got a portion of what you want in a woman and you get to keep on trying.
I want to impress upon you that you have worth and value. See this as an opportunity to improve your game and learn something about yourself in the process. Just because you’ve managed to get someone to pay attention to you and admire you, doesn’t mean this is the stuff that long term compatibility is made of. Staying in something mediocre and having a space-filling bed warmer is a cop out and sign of fear of loneliness and desperation. This is not a solid justification for staying in a relationship and a confident man recognizes that being content with himself first is better than being in a relationship without integrity.
If it feels good in this moment and you’ve been honest about your intentions, then ride it out as long as you’re both having fun. But if you find yourself restless, wishing it were different and compromising what you really want, then be honest with yourself and have the courage to keep practicing until you find the right fit. Display the confidence that it takes to be honest with yourself and with her. Clarify what you really want and examine why you seem to be attracting the same kinds of women.
As for the one that you’re really not that into, though she may be disappointed in the moment, believe me, she’ll be grateful for your sincerity and would not want to be with someone who constantly wished she were different. You’ll also be freeing her up to find someone who will fully love and accept her for who she is. It’s a favor to you both.
You’ve been patient and brave to come this far, I want to encourage you to delve a bit deeper into the underpinnings of confidence in our program on Self Esteem for a more expansive look at what may be the cause of some of your sense of poor self worth and what to do about it. Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to do anything to deserve to be valued and held in esteem; you deserve it because you’re simply you. Begin by believing this fully and you’re well on your way to exuding the confidence that’s already within you.