Section 4: Looks Shmooks, Give me a Good Laugh
I hope you’re getting the point by now that we’re here to encourage you to be more of who you REALLY are and not some pseudo self, pretending and disguising your real nature. We want you to cultivate the aspects of you that are naturally appealing and humor, charisma and charm are powerful aphrodisiacs.
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it 3398457938475 times….”I’m not good looking enough to get him/ her”. I want to scream each time I hear it because though being an attractive human being may get you the initial attention you want, it by no means determines a successful dating experience. Here’s a woman’s perspective into some of the factors that play into attractiveness beyond your gene pool.
Ok, so I’ll cop to this right now before any of you throw darts at my argument. I have not had the experience of being 100 pounds overweight (I’d never let this happen), I do have decent sized breasts and don’t have any major deformities (good genes). I would consider myself an attractive woman, but this is not by accident; I do a great deal to ensure that I’m healthy and well. All that being said, I don’t think I have to experience your particular complaint to know that I am willing to look beyond skin deep to see your beauty.
You are sitting there, excuse in hand as to why women don’t find you attractive. Whether it’s your looks, your financial status or living situation, you have one, I know it. It’s time to let that go. It’s a crutch that’s prohibiting you from having the life you want. Because you’ve convinced yourself that this is “THE reason” why you aren’t meeting women, getting laid or in a relationship, others come to believe it as well. In fact, you look for evidence in your world to support this image of yourself and then use it as fact to justify your excuse.
Let’s use the physical attractiveness example further. If you are convinced that you’re not good looking enough to meet women, I first want to know where this came from. Who told you this? Consider the source…was it someone you actually respect or was it someone who was trying to hurt you? Or worse, was it yourself? Chances are, you have told yourself this story for a long time and have convinced yourself that the good looking guy always gets the girl that you’ve pined after. Have you considered that the good looking guy is partially attractive to women because he feels good about himself, has a great sense of humor or has additional things to offer that keep her interested? Probably not, because you’re set on the fact that his looks won him the prize. Indeed, the looks may have gotten him in the door, but the other things he brings to the table keep her in his bed.
This selective way of seeing things keeps you attuned to this factor and now you look for it in your world to reinforce your claim. It is much easier to point the finger to the size of your nose, your penis or your love handles…it’s much harder to come to terms with the real reason women turn away from you. Resolving this takes effort and is well worth exploring, as it will save you much anguish and pain. See my lesson entitled “When to Ask for Help” in the Dealing With Baggage portion for further direction.
I use this example because it’s an easy one to peg, but really, you can substitute looks for anything you’re currently using as an excuse for why you aren’t where you want to be with women. The images you’re holding of yourself come to play out in your life, over and over and over again. Trust me, I’ve seen this happen in over 10 years of work with my clients as a marriage family therapist and once they see that they create this reality for themselves, their lives dramatically change.
Instead, look at your strengths…what have people told you about yourself that’s positive? What are people always telling you that you’re good at? Women are deep characters and want someone who resonates with what they want and are willing to look beyond certain factors if the majority of what they want is there.
A quick witted, funny and intelligent guy gets my attention.
A personal story about this one: I was with a few girlfriends of mine at a bar (mind you, on the rare occasion that this happens, we’re there to enjoy one another and are not open or looking to being approached by men). I was walking to the bathroom when this short, stocky, average looking guy was laughing hysterically and making his friend uncomfortable by dry humping his friend’s leg. As I walked by, I too burst out in laughter and I was soon in a conversation with him and his friends. I would not have usually given this group much attention, but they were having such a great time that their joy was contagious. This particular guy is still a close friend of mine, whom I’ve hooked up with a few girlfriends of mine (after coaching him not to hump legs in public anymore) because of his humor, wit and downright charming demeanor.
Now, you can ignore or downplay who you REALLY are and find that a woman may find you attractive, but doesn’t know who you are beneath the façade. What I am saying is that when you play on your strengths, when you dare to be exactly who you are, that you will attract people who appreciate those characteristics into your life. I can’t tell you how many average to downright homely looking men wind up with phenomenal woman not because they are pouting that they’re ugly, but because they’re spending their time developing their strong suits. They’re too busy planning their social lives, thriving in their careers and enjoying themselves to care about the kinds of women who don’t find them attractive….they’re enjoying the ones who do!
Now, let’s look at how you can learn from so-called jerks to bolster your confidence…