Putting It Into Practice
Here are some things I’d like for you to practice to integrate the lessons I’ve written about. As always, remember that this is simply practice and just like anything, you need to do it consistently and often if you want to get good at it. Expecting perfection (whatever that means) is a set up for disappointment and will crash your confidence. Instead, approach this the same way you would if you were hitting golf balls at the driving range…it’s simply a way to get better and should be fun.
Think of Something Interesting to Say
For those of you who become tongue tied (which is an indicator that you’re in your head and not in the present; that you’re likely fearing rejection), it is a good idea to have some sense of what you can say when you first approach a woman. Make a list of questions that you can ask that are casual, open ended and likely to evoke further conversation. Think of things that most women would respond to (translation: avoid guy-talk, dicey political or religious speak) that are somewhat neutral and easy. Some ideas are:
- Hey, I’m having a debate with some of my friends here, I’m wondering if you can help me out. We can’t seem to remember the names of all 7 continents, do you know them by heart? Talk about maps, globes or travel opens the door to follow up with a question about how well traveled she is or the last places she’s traveled to.
- Hey, I’m having a conversation with my friends and we’re trying to remember some of the names of 80’s big hair bands. Can you help me remember some of them? Start listing a few and let her chime in. Make comments about their style, music or oddities.
- Make a comment about the location you’re in…how noisy the bar is, the caliber of the music/band that’s playing. This anchors you to the moment, which is something that you share and doesn’t require that you locate something off the bat that you have in common.
Take the list and start by practicing them on people in your everyday world; your secretary, the clerk at the grocery store or the woman next to you on the airplane. Remember, this is simply practice and honing your skills so that you can then practice on women that you’re interested in. Phil writes a great deal about this in the Creating Your Own Conversation Starters Course.
Test Your Reading Skills
Your body language reading skills. With the same women that you practiced with in the previous exercise (and maybe even simply watching strangers), take notice of the body language while you’re speaking with them. Look for some of the signs that indicate interest like:
- Hair tossing
- Touching (herself or you)
And practice making her feel safe with things like:
- Establishing and keeping eye contact
- Getting at eye level with her
- Keep arms length until she indicates it’s safe to come closer
Play with this over the course of the next 3 weeks and take special notice of what appears to be effective. Take note of what you’re saying or doing when she responds positively or negatively. If she closes off at a certain point, take note of this as well and try to avoid these approaches.
Listen, Listen, Listen and Listen Some More
With the very same test subjects that you’ve been testing your approach and body language skills with, you’re going to put your listening skills to use.
- Practice giving your undivided attention and put away any distractions when asking personal questions. Note their responses as you track their words.
- Practice giving eye contact and when you look away, look down instead of up or to the right or left. Notice how they respond and take some mental (maybe even literal) notes.
- Validate what you hear her saying and try asking follow up questions that show that you’re listening. Get her to continue the conversation.
- For you advanced students, pair this with what you know about body language and take detailed notice of what’s working, then perhaps move onto a setting where you can practice on those you may have some interest in…above all, have lots of fun!