Warning: count(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable in /home/thefirst10minute/public_html/wp-content/plugins/q-and-a/inc/functions.php on line 252

Approaching Women Course 2 – How to Approach

Lesson 3: What is Going on in the Mind of a Woman

By The First 10 Minutes Team


We have discussed the things you should be aware of about yourself, how to conduct yourself and some of what to say.  If you are looking for more information on openers, take a look at the Creating Your Own Openers Course.  In the next lesson and in the communication courses we will help you to transition from the initial approach to conversation and create some connection and “chemistry,” but before we continue we want to help you to understand a bit more about what is happening on the other side of the interaction.


We have already established that women are simply the female of the species; they need to bring more than looks to the table.  That is easy enough to accept as fact, but when you are standing face to face with a woman you are attracted to and you have approached her and started a conversation you begin to wonder, “What is she thinking?” “Is she interested?” “What do I need to do next to get her more interested?” and “What do I need to do to get her number?”


We’ve talked about making the encounter about the process and always maintaining the ability to walk away.  These both mean to say, avoid committing to the outcome of the interaction to the point where she becomes the prize making it apparent to the both of you that she is holding all the cards.


This leads us right into this lesson. This is why we asked a dynamic and beautiful woman to join us.  Besides the fact that she works with clients everyday and that psychology is her field of expertise, she has the perspective of a single woman who grew up in a house full of men.  In addition to tapping her expertise, we do interviews with women from all over the world so we can get their opinions, thoughts, and desires to you.  And as a funny side note, if you were to come into our shop, you would probably see one of the guys here perusing the latest edition of one or more of the top FEMALE magazines.  We have to keep up with what women are being told, warned about and, of course, what they want.


I am telling you all of this so you will understand we are not just a bunch of guys sitting around saying, “Uh yeah, that might work?”   Besides the fact that we have field tested the information we share either personally or through our clients, we actually invest the time and money it takes to get the “other” side of the story and what they are thinking about and want.


Let’s address an issue that is important for you to understand as we get more into what is going on in women’s minds.  We as men make a very common mistake when dealing with women and this mistake is present in the approach and quite frankly throughout the relationship.  The error is that we talk to and interact with women as if they were men.  Please allow me to explain.


When dealing with women, many men have the misconception that women think and act like we do.  We mistakenly believe that if we treat them the way we want to be treated then they will respond.  Added to this misguided delivery, we have our own imagined best or worst case scenario going on in our heads.  If we take the best case scenario as an example (because we have beaten up the worst case over and over) we are going to want them to act with us the way a movie script is written; boy approaches girl, girl takes one look and POW, love at first sight (or at least uncontrollable lust).  This may be how we’d like it to happen, but women don’t see it this way.


The issue is that women are not smaller versions of men.  We have addressed over and over that they are simply the female of the species.  Along with that statement is the fact that they are wired differently, they are socially conditioned differently, and most importantly they are driven by a completely different point of view from our own.  As simple and logical as this argument is, it is the most overlooked fact in all male and female interactions.  Make no mistake, they make the same mistake and act and speak to us as if we are just a larger version of the female.


The reason this point is critical for you to understand here in the approach education is that if you approach a woman with the expectation that she will act and respond the way that you would, you are in for a real experience (and not a pleasant one).  This is the reason most men are completely boggled by women and insist that they are impossible to understand and vice versa.


The good news is that the solution is simple, but because it feels like our problems are so huge, we believe, sometimes we want the solution to be bigger so we can justify the discomfort we are having as well as the fact that we haven’t already solved the problem.  So I guess the bad news is also that it is not a difficult or huge solution.


The secret to success with approaching women is to understand that they are not thinking what you’re thinking nor do they have the same process of getting to the goal as you.  This is the reason you need to understand how to shut off her brain.  Let me give you some material to think about:


  1. Confidence on your part is translated in her conscious mind as:
    1. There must be a reason why he is so confident.
    2. He is not intimidated, we must be equals.
    3. Is he genuine or putting up an act?
    4. He is a potential prize wanted by others, but he wants me.


  1. Confidence on your part is translated to her subconsciousmind:
    1. He is not afraid, so I am not afraid.
    2. He is secure, so he can protect.
    3. He is socially adept, others will respect him.


Now I promise you these are not the words going through her mind.  It is going to be a bit more like:


Conscious – What does this guy want from me?

Subconscious – Is this guy a threat?


Conscious – Is this guy on the up and up?

Subconscious – Am I safe?


Conscious – Cute or not cute?

Subconscious – Good genes or weak genes?


Conscious – Where is this guy going with this?

Subconscious – Is it time to go into protection mode?


Conscious – Dating material?

Subconscious – Mating material?


And the list goes on and on.  The thoughts passing through a guy’s head are a bit simpler:


Conscious – Hot and sexy

Subconscious – Spread seed


Conscious – Does she like me?

Subconscious – Spread seed


Conscious – She’s kind of fun

Subconscious – Spread seed


I am certain I do not have to go on, you get the point.


You must understand that safety is a top priority for women; it is hardwired.  To ignore this fact is to seal your own doom.  This is a clear indicator of the differences in the way that men and women interact.  For you as a man safety is way farther down the scale of concerns, but the sense of accomplishment on the other hand is way up there.  Not true for the woman in front of you.


Hey there gents, Jessica here! I thought I’d say a few words about the differences between men and women.  There are volumes of books about what goes on in women’s minds.  Depending on who you’re talking to you could approach this from her wounded inner child or her past lives.  All of that can take up valuable real estate in your head and actually complicate things more than necessary.  Chances are you still don’t have that much of a grasp on yourself, let alone the entire male species for that matter.  Exploring the human condition is one of the most fascinating and endless journeys known.  Thank goodness for this, because our existence would be pretty dull unless there was new terrain to constantly traverse and uncover. 


With that said, you’re NEVER going to completely understand women, so please dispel any grandiose, results-based goals about this in your male minds.  Be ok with the mystery, it’s what makes it fun (and a bit crazy at times).  This doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t benefit you from educating yourself about the inner thought and emotional process that some women go through.  But even as I say that, I want to pull it back because we can only speak in generalities, as there is no singular solution or equation that is going to consistently help you figure this particular woman out.  Keep this in mind as you read these pages and as I give you my feedback.  Remember that I can only offer you my particular perspective.  And though I have training and passion for the human condition, by no means am I ever going to be able to cover the gamut of possibilities. 


What you’ve read above about the male vs. female mind does have merit; women have deep, biological, emotional, historical patterns that are ingrained in our experiences that impact current choices.  One of the benefits to being a man in this day and age is the gift of safety (for the most part, anyway) and is something that women have become trained to be highly aware of. 


On an interesting side note, in my graduate level human sexuality class, we once had a guest speaker that was a female to male transgender (this person was in the process of having a series of sex change operations to transition from being a female to living a life and having a body as a male).  One of the things that were most interesting about his (they like to be regarded as the gender that they’re transitioning into) story was his newfound sense of safety in a male body.  He appreciated no longer having to check over his shoulder when walking out to the car or being aware of who was entering the elevator along with him.  These seem like small notions, but trust me when I say that EVERY woman, even those who live in very secure neighborhoods and have no abuse history, are acutely aware of their surroundings and safety at all times. 


One of the primary reasons I have chosen to partake in this project is to alert you to differences such as these so that you can become more aware, sensitive and respectful of these ideas when you’re interacting with women.  As you begin to shift your consciousness, women will start to feel safer and more secure in the world.  This is a long and arduous process that is going to take generations of diligent action from both men and women to overcome.  Women have responsibility in healing and getting over this as well.  You can do your part, however, each day by demonstrating genuine respect, regard and kindness. 


Back to the topic…


You have to understand as well that women do not focus the way that men do.  When we are on a topic, typically that topic is our dominating thought and very little other than that is even on our radar.  This is why it is harder to stay on task when we are distracted or focused on something other than the task at hand.  Women, on the other hand, are continuously checking the current input from most of their world.  They are thinking about what is happening, how it affects their friends, family, pet, the future, the past, and sometimes the grocery list and the trip to Mexico in 4 months.  In a guy’s head all of that data would render us useless and from our point of view, if she is thinking about all of those other things we might get offended. Why? Because that is not the way we operate.  We feel she should be focused on us after all we are on her, right?


This is why it is critical for you to learn to bring in all of her senses, to pull more of her life into this interaction.  It is not difficult it just takes practice and know-how.  We will show you the way through this course and website.


You see, the Unique Appealing Persona and the Social Market are more than tools to meet women; they are the solutions to intriguing women.  They get them to think about you and associate you with good feelings, comfortable feelings, and sexual feelings because we know she is going to be thinking about 8 different scenarios and we want to become the star player in several of them.


Same scenario, what is happening feels good and fun (you are playful and confident).  Her friends are going to like you because you are interesting, her family will like you because you dress well and conduct yourself well in public, other guys weren’t this much fun, what fun does he have planned for us, I wonder what he will look like on the beach and TOUCHDOWN, she is interested.


How, you ask?  The Better Deal.  You just need to have a simple understanding of the components that create a UAP and the confidence to demonstrate it to her in a way that does not trigger the red flags to fire up the fight or flight response in her primitive brain.


Here is a list of things to be aware of that are going through her head, not all at once, and maybe not the complete list, but in the 30 seconds it takes to approach her and start up the conversation she has these thoughts; we promise:


  • What does this guy want?
  • What is he thinking is going to happen?
  • Do I like this guy?
  • Will my friends like this guy?
  • Is he dressed well or not?
  • Is this guy safe?
  • If I like this guy how will it affect my life?
  • Why is he talking to me?
  • Is he cute or not cute?
  • I like this guy, but I don’t want to screw it up.
  • I don’t like this guy, there’s something about him.
  • I need to get to the grocery store this weekend.
  • Where is my friend?
  • Is my friend going to think this guy is cute, creepy, weird, funny, fun?
  • Does he think I am cute?
  • I hope I don’t have anything in my teeth.
  • I hope my lipstick is still there.
  • Is this guy trying for a one night stand?
  • Does this guy want a girlfriend?
  • Does this guy have a girlfriend?
  • How do I get out of talking to this guy without being mean?
  • I wish this guy would just get my number already.
  • I hope he likes me.
  • Is this guy good for me?
  • Is this guy better then the other guys I am talking to?


Here’s a few more…

  • Which pair of underwear am I wearing?
  • Did I shave today?  I need to look into laser hair removal…
  • Is my roommate going to be home tonight?  I wonder if she did the dishes…
  • If I take him home, will he want anything to do with me afterward?
  • I wish he would stop talking about his truck/car/job.  I need a new job…
  • Can’t he tell that my arms are crossed and I’m checking my phone for a reason?
  • Does he even care about what I’m saying or is he using this as an excuse to get near me?
  • Damn, I should’ve had my roots done before tonight, I wonder when I can get an appointment.
  • I wonder what my dad/sister/grandma would think about this guy.  I need to call them…
  • Do I even want to date right now?  Should I even be talking to guys at all?
  • Nice teeth or bad teeth?
  • Unibrow or two brows?
  • Did he really tell that inappropriate joke?  What if he really thinks that way about women?
  • I hope I’m not talking too much; I need to work on that…
  • I wonder if he’s picking up on my signs, am I being obvious enough or desperate?


Seems funny, doesn’t it?  From our point of view we know our intention, whether it is to get the number or to get her to bed.  Most guys have no intention of hurting the girl, yet safety is one of the biggest issues for them, closely followed by their own insecurities; personal as well as social.


You see, when you approach lightheartedly, are not committed to the outcome, are interesting, well dressed, demonstrating social skills, confident, and of course masculine (see the course on masculinity if you are unclear what masculinity really is, you might learn something new), you are answering all of these questions and concerns for her without ever having to address the issues or verbalize anything of the sort.  Obviously bringing up anything to do with her being safe is going to raise the question of safety in her mind; I hope you see that.


To summarize, here is what you want to do when you approach: create future as well as history throughout your conversation; build sexual tension (nothing to do with talking about sex); read and understand body language (both yours and hers); bring in other areas of her life and associate them with fun and you.  Do this and you have the recipe for success, using her own thoughts and imagination as well as her hardwiring and primitive brain to your advantage.  All of this is accomplished by maintaining and presenting your own position as well as understanding that she is seeing this whole interaction from a completely different point of view.


And as a closing note on this lesson, do not make the simplistic assumption that the woman you are talking to is going about your interaction from a perspective of her wanting a long term relationship and assuming you want sex.  The modern woman has a much wider scope.  More and more women are no longer afraid of wanting a fling and then deciding if it is going to turn into a relationship later (more to come on this topic).  The rules have changed and women are expecting a lot more out of the men they desire.  Most of the models for dealing with women are outdated and created for guys who still want to hold on to the way things used to be, (that includes most of the “new” tactics we see sold in Ebooks and CD sets).  Some of those models will work for the short term, and they might even get you phone numbers, but whether or not the women will respond the next day or the next time is not like it was in the past when little girls ached for little Johnnie to call. If you aren’t bringing a Better Deal to the table than the one she has, even if she is single, then you can have all of the smooth lines in the world, but you are not going the distance with the women you want, we assure you.


Women are thinking differently and for the guys who know (that would be you guys in this site) this is the best time to be on the market and enjoying women, because most of the guys in the world are absolutely clueless or are trying to work tired sets and antiquated systems thinking that women will just fall into the trap and be theirs for the taking.  GOOD LUCK to them; they are going to need it.


Women do not want to feel tricked or manipulated and they genuinely do want to have a nice guy (look at the Nice-guy-itis course to understand what we mean and don’t by “nice guy”).  In their minds they don’t want to fall in love with a shell, they want to meet and enjoy someone they really can relate to whether that is for a night or the rest of their lives.  By learning more about what we do and how we do it you are going to deliver on that request for the women you desire.


A final note here on today’s woman…as women approach equality on career, financial and status fronts, we are asking for men to bring something inherently male and masculine.  Regardless of whether we make the same money or can carry the same heavy boxes, we are looking for men to be our lovers, givers and providers.  In the words of a friend of mine when we were swing dancing together (and I was trying to lead…), “Don’t worry sweetie, it’s my job to make you look good.”  In turn, we make you look and feel good.  When we share mutual admiration, kindness and respect, everyone wins. 


On to continuing the conversation and turning the approach into phone numbers.