Lesson 4: Transition to Conversation
By The First 10 Minutes Team
This is actually the problem area for most men when approaching women. The common question is, “Well, I have approached her, now what?” In reality, this is the toughest area when you meet someone new. We are going to make this easy for you and help you to move from approach to phone number as effectively and efficiently as possible.
As a reminder, the process is more important than the outcome. You are not dealing only with her looks (she has issues, concerns, self doubt, and desires just like you). You understand that you do not interact nor expect the same reaction from her as you would with a male. You know her brain is working in high gear as you are talking to her. But most of all, keep in mind that there isn’t a woman on the planet that doesn’t want a dynamic Unique Appealing Persona to approach her and provide her a much Better Deal than the incomplete life she has at the moment.
Now, let’s move this forward.
You have approached a woman. You have done so with confidence and your body language is solid. She has responded to your initial question and now we move forward.
One of the most important things to keep in mind is that you must help her to work within the environment she is expecting, but have it be different enough to get her attention.
For example, sports broadcasts on different stations all follow the same general outline. They do this because as sports fans we have been conditioned to expect exactly what we are seeing on the TV. Some may argue that this is the best way so everyone uses it. The truth is, as technology expands there are better ways to actually see all of the events on the field, but we are secure as fans in the way it is done. To slightly differentiate themselves stations will use the same format, but add one slight change or enhancement; highlighting the first down marker, highlighting the puck, etc. The point of doing that is to get the viewing audience to say, “I prefer when the game is broadcast on XYZ station.” They can use that feedback, take it to the distributors and tell them that fans prefer their method. Now, let’s say that the ABC broadcast put out an all new system with serious changes to how we view the game to the point where we have to re-learn how to watch the game. Even though the new broadcast is an improvement because we see more, hear more and are closer to the action, we still would be uncomfortable. We may even turn to the lowest quality station around because it is more comfortable and we know what to expect. I hope you understand this point. We would feel uncomfortable and in some cases confused that even though we love the team we may turn away from watching it because it is so different from what we expected.
Same is true with approaching women and transitioning to conversation.
She is used to the standard way of going about conversation, she is familiar with the standard way of getting picked up and she is already going to have a preconceived pattern that she is expecting. I will show you how that is to your advantage.
Just like the sportscast example, we don’t want to throw her for too much of a twist, because confusion and misdirection only work with magic tricks and definitely are not going to make her want to give you her number AND be excited for your call.
The transition is not difficult, but as we have already told you, most guys are focused on the end result instead of the process. They don’t enjoy the interaction, they pressure it; they try to force it instead of guiding it.
So let’s use the example of the coffee shop I brought up earlier. You approach in a teasing or lighthearted manner and say, “Either that is the most interesting read ever or you have the concentration of Michelangelo” (smiles). Let’s make this piece simple, she looks up smiles and responds, “No not really, I was just caught up a bit in this book.” An error guys would make at this point is to introduce themselves. DO NOT DO THIS. You see, by introducing yourself you are following the preconceived pattern that she is used to working with, “If he introduces himself, he wants to get to know me,” then she has to ask herself if she wants to get to know you based solely on your looks and your very first impression. This is why you have the advantage, you are going to help move the conversation of course and it is not going to be completely out of the “ordinary,” but we are not going to help her to fall into her standard operating procedure.
You would respond at this time in this situation with something like, “So, besides spending your time reading amongst crowds, how do you spend the majority of your time?” The question is one they have to think about. You are not asking what she does for a living, you are not making some kind of small talk, you are not using a standard, “What do you think of the weather?” type of question; she has to think and decide how she spends the majority of her time.
She may even have to ask what you mean, depending on her intellect. Now she is asking you questions. You are in conversation. If she asks what you mean you explain, “I was curious and asking what people do for a living is a bit presumptuous, for all I know you are independently wealthy and spend most of your time volunteering to save the city rabbit population.” (smiles)
If she asks, “Why?” try a similar response like “Well, I wanted to make conversation and asking someone what they do for a living is ….” You know the rest and you can substitute whatever you think is humorous. “Reviving the DODO bird population from extinction” – make it funny and a bit obscure, you want her to think outside of the norm.
If she smiles and starts to list all the things she is doing, “Well, I am going to school full time, I am working full time, I am a yoga instructor, and I love to read” she is helping you to open up conversation; she is also making the point that she is busy, she is dynamic, and she wants to know where this is going and how you fit into her “busy” life.
You simply move forward again with a thought provoking question like, “Wow, which is your favorite?”
Again, she has to think and draw in all of the areas of her life to focus her answer on you; work, entertainment, school, reading, etc.
Once she chooses and describes, then you can go with the subject at hand, and when you run out of conversation about her stimulating job as a barista at the local coffee shop, you can jump right back into, “So, is the book you’re reading for school or private pleasure?” Notice I used private pleasure instead of entertainment making her think again. Whereas using a term like “intimate pleasure” is far too much of an encroachment on her personal life, you are still stimulating her thoughts (even the intimate ones), but not intruding. A thesaurus is your BEST friend.
OK, something to point out, you still have not introduced yourself. You are having fun and getting to know each other even though the conversation is all about her.
Shortly after she starts disclosing information she would normally only share with someone she is trying to get to know, so she is going to start wondering where all this is going. Help her out.
Transition to creating history, future, and of course, tension.
Using terms like we, us, or together is a way to create future and history. Be delicate and drop them in only when appropriate and to emphasize a point. Back to our scenario; you two have talked about her work, her school and the fact that her passion is around what she is going to do with her schooling. Now we are looking for a transition to continue the conversation, “So, when you graduate valedictorian of your class, where will that take us?” She may pick up the us and inquire, which is good, because “us” is on her mind, or it may just settle into that primitive brain and help the comfort level along just a bit more, because you are an “us.”
All the while you are checking body language (yours and hers), paying attention to tonality (yours and hers), and of course, really paying attention to what she is saying. You are NOT wondering what she looks like naked, how you are going to get her number; NOTHING other than the part of the process you are involved in NOW.
If she jumps on the valedictorian comment, then you can have more fun and it is easy to move to touch, which is a very good thing. You can also get her to introduce herself to you. If she says, “Valedictorian, I don’t think so.” you jump in with a big grin, “Come on now, imagine this, there you are with your cap and gown, people walking up to you with big smiles, putting their hands out to shake (put your hand out to shake, most people are conditioned to shake when presented a hand) and saying ‘congratulations Miss…’ ” (pause with a big smile). If she doesn’t intro herself, just keep smiling and go on, “Miss Unknown and mysterious valedictorian, (grins) can you see it?” If she tells you her name, then insert the name in the earlier phrase. It would be a very unusual situation if she did not reach out to take your hand in your little speech, and keep it in yours because you don’t let go right away until of course you were done, just a second longer than if it where a hand shake, as well as introduce herself during or shortly after.
You have accomplished several things: touched longer than a handshake, had her introduce herself to you instead of the other way around, put yourself in a celebratory situation in her future, involved her in an imagination game including you, and had a laugh while you were at it. BRILLIANT! If she is creative and likes to play these types of games she may even run with it and keep it going; if so, play along and have fun.
Now the game ends, you take a quick breather (breathers and pulling back a bit is necessary, you must allow her to feel that with you it is fun and creative, without you it is not as much fun, it doesn’t have to be dramatic or blatantly obvious, but remember, you are always willing to walk away). After your brief breather, you can go in several directions. If she is instigating another area of conversations such as, “We know what my plans are, but what are yours?” or any other question on the planet, that is a great sign. You are in conversation and she wants to know more about you; answer her, stay light and bring in pieces from your Social Market and your Lifestyle; not too much but not elusive. Don’t try to tie it in with her, unless it really does fit PERFECTLY. For example, if she says she is an avid cyclist, and you happen to be going on a 100 mile ride this weekend. Whatever you talk about, you now have a choice; start setting up to get the number or push to see if you can set up a date right now.
You have played, had some fun, been on an adventure, and created future events; now you can create history. You could say something like, “We have already graduated and saved the rabbits, but unfortunately I have to go. If we did all that in the time we’ve been together, I would love to see what happens the next time we get together. How should I get hold of you?” or “…what’s the best way to get hold of you?” Boom, phone number and you have left her wanting to find out what happens next time as well.
If you’ve decided to set up the first date right here, state, “… revived the dodo from extinction, but I must run, what are your plans for Tuesday?” (IF Tuesday works for you, of course) She will either open the door for Tuesday, another day, or snap out of her daze and decide yes or no. If you are into saving time and getting to the point this is your shot.
If you read the above example carefully you will notice some specific outline items that will work in most all situations – a bit tougher in bars, because she will be more prepared for you since it is pretty obvious if a guy walks up to girl in a bar what the intention is. This transition style will still work; you just have to know that you have a bit more of an uphill climb and she may or may not play as nicely.
Understanding what happened:
1st – Approached with a different style and presented a confident UAP and body language.
2nd – Moved the conversation ahead, but avoided the standards; stayed light, used good tonality.
3rd – Got her mind moving outside of the norms, but still in a comfortable arena.
4th – Had fun and got her imagination going.
5th – Created history and future together.
6th – Touched her unobtrusively, paid attention to her body language throughout the whole experience.
7th – Helped her to realize that you = fun, but that you are always ready to walk away if she does not get involved and hold your interest.
8th – Made getting her number a non-event.
9th – Left her wanting more.
As you can see, the steps mirror the steps for keeping the interaction a process as a whole. Too many times guys make it all too difficult. You do not need a whole series of strategies and styles because to her this is the first time she is experiencing this even if you have used a similar path just an hour ago at the grocery store with the beauty in the sweatpants.
It takes a bit of practice, but one of the keys is to use her words to create subjects to talk about. This is an old school communication practice. Pick topics or key words of interest and hold on to them for future reference. Nothing fancy, but very effective when dealing with women; this is explained in much more depth in the Communication course along with various other techniques for you to choose from to plug into this formula.
Another key area of study is for you to pay attention to body language cues. The Body Language courses will have information for you to learn and practice as well, but a key to remember is that body language is not best practiced as an indicator of whether or not she likes you, it is an indicator of how fast you should be moving forward. For some touch is a huge issue and in the course addition for Nice-guy-itis we talk about and help you with the issue of “permission based” actions; basically not doing anything unless you are absolutely certain that it is okay and she is 100% on board.
Finally, the last additional course to take a look at to help you with this directly is the Flirting Course.
Alright, you have enough information to get you started. We will continue to add courses and examples to the site so if one doesn’t fit you perfectly, others might. The best teacher for you is practice. Keep it about the process and have some fun, the outcome is not important. Every time you bomb you are simply improving so that when you meet the perfect girl your presentation and style will be perfect as well. Until then you are not losing or missing out on anything. Keep in mind that in a past life you likely would have never approached the girls you are “practicing” with, so take it easy on yourself.
Take a look at some great information from the female perspective in the final lesson of this course.