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Approaching Women – How to Approach
Lesson Two: Styles of Approach
By The First 10 Minutes Team
Now let’s get into the styles of approach and a little more of what to say and how to say it.
Know that even we still practice and focus on the process of dating. So learning what are your strengths and weaknesses in approach is definitely going to continue to be beneficial. We are constantly trying out new things and testing out theories. One reason is so that we can teach them to you; the other more important reason is that it is entertainment for our lives. If we bomb the process ridiculously it is always a learning experience and a great laugh for us and our friends when we tell them about it. If the process is a success with one woman and a failure with another, test it again to see why…you won’t run out of beautiful women to interact with, trust us. The reason for the success some of us have with women is three fold. As you adopt these methods you will have the level of success you desire as well:
- Don’t be afraid to walk away from or blow it with any woman.
- Know and firmly believe that the deal you bring to the table is solid and that you can back up your promises when you decide to take a relationship to the next level.
- Be completely convinced that, though she may have pretty feathers, she must prove to you that she is bringing more to the table than just looks or you shouldn’t be interested.
We have helped you to change the way you look at women. We have helped you to focus on the process instead of the outcome. In other lessons of the website we help you with your persona, your image, and your body language. Now let’s talk about what you need to pay attention to about yourself.
You might have already started working on your UAP as well as your Image and Style, so we’ll assume those are already in place or in the process of development or, at a minimum, on the list of courses you are going to study very soon.
In other courses we discuss body language basics. Something that is important to understand from that lesson is that 58% of what you are saying is being communicated by your body. The good news is that even if you don’t genuinely believe in your Better Deal yet (you will, but it can take some time), you can fake the majority of the body language indicators of confidence at least enough to get you in the door and working on the process of approaching women. Keep the following body language indicators at the top of your brain when approaching a woman and talking with her:
What to avoid:
- Hands in pockets, or crossed arms.
- Shoulders rolled over and head down.
- Shuffling or tapping your feet.
- Hands on hips or raised high in the air above your head.
- Poor eye contact.
- Touching your face, particularly your mouth and nose.
- Wringing your hands.
- Tense muscles (this includes flexing the guns).
- Strained smiles or strained muscles in the face.
What to make sure you are doing:
- Stand up straight with shoulders back and hands to the side or moving while talking.
- If you must put your hands in your pockets, leave your thumb out or hook your thumb and leave your fingers out.
- Stand at a slight angle from your girl and as you progress square off (face her directly).
- Stand with your natural stance.
- Maintain eye contact about 60 to 70% of the time; in the other 30 to 40% make obvious glances around the room and scan her whole face, very occasionally dropping down to her midsection and right back up to her eyes with no remorse.
- Face your feet towards her.
- Do your best to occasionally mirror her (e.g. hold your drink the way she holds hers, if she has her hands clasped on one knee do something similar). As you have probably guessed, you need to be cautious and not obvious. Definitely do NOT to overdo this one.
- Preen yourself slightly, such as adjusting your sleeves without making it into a show or spectacle.
- Smile openly showing teeth.
- Use your facial expressions openly and expressively.
- Move closer and pull away occasionally.
- Touch her when you recognize her body language signals interest to advance. There is a ton of data on this subject in the communication courses as well as the course on Her Body Language.
OK, those are the basics and enough to help you to be successful. It is not hard, but guys who are not confident will hide out in the “what to avoid” body language and not even know they are doing it. Keep it in your head that you need to be doing the activities in the second list as fluidly as possible. If it appears mechanical she will know that you are forcing it and not really confident or comfortable.
Tone and pace provides the next 35% of communication and creation of attraction. Tone is an indicator of the attitude of the person who produced it. If it is forced and sounds like you are squeezing every word out of your throat then you will not be perceived as relaxed, in control, and ready to offer her a Better Deal. Taking a few deep breaths will help keep your voice box relaxed and make it easier for you to maintain a well balanced, lower tone. The more relaxed your tone of voice is the more confident and secure in yourself you will appear (Relaxed does not mean quiet. Mumbling or speaking too softly will not support you and will give the impression of a lack of confidence). Using different tone and inflection is critical as well. You have been bored to tears before by the people that talk in a monotone that sounds as if they are reading from a dictionary. Don’t do this to your girl.
Pace plays a big role as well. If you can time your pace to a metronome you are going to put her to sleep and definitely not create the sexual tension and fun that you need to keep the dance moving forward. You have experienced talking with people who sound like they are talking to the beat of a drum; bad news and BORING. Pace is important from different aspects. Let me explain. If someone walks up to you and you are in an excited and happy mood and they start talking to you very slowly and melancholy, are you going to be receptive to them?
Another example: if you are in the saddest mood you have been in for three years and someone walks up to you bouncing off the walls with glee, are you going to want to talk to them or kick them? Yeah, I know the answer. So tone and pace are huge players. Always start upbeat, confident and middle of the road on pace and check in with the woman you are approaching. If she goes to the more upbeat side then match her, if she goes to the slower and deeper stay in the middle ground on pace. It takes practice, but you can practice with everyone and you will see them react differently to you almost immediately. Once you have matched tone and pace then you can take the lead and move the tone and pace around a little in the conversation. This is a great tool for creating a sense of bonding and likeness.
Finally we have the last 7%: the words you use. If you have done your work above then the words that come out of your mouth are of little importance because most of the message has already been delivered, but I will help you to create the brilliance of a silver tongued devil.
Things to absolutely avoid:
- Any mention of physical violence, spoken or demonstrated.
- Any form of questionable jokes; particularly demeaning or concerning her safety (even something as obvious as, “I would tell you, but I would have to kill you,” still puts the question of you killing her in her head).
- Religious or spiritual slander or attacks.
- Self demeaning comments, even in jest.
OK, with that out of the way I am going to give you a list of approach styles I believe are effective and will help you to identify them so you can choose a style that fits your personality and use what fits you.
Confident conversational – This is my favorite and the one I use when I am not testing or messing around and really want to have something get started with a girl who has my attention. This is as simple as walking up to a girl, demonstrating inviting body language and using my Unique Appealing Persona to simply say, “Hi, how are you?” Where I go from there is determined by how she responds to me. If she smiles and answers with more than a “fine,” off I go to the races because she definitely wants to talk more. If she doesn’t even look or she scowls at me with a short snip of an answer, I have to decide to work on some other approaches with her to test them out or walk away. If I am feeling particularly good about myself and feel that I need to defend my self esteem I always have a few statements to save face up my sleeve. My favorite needs a little acting, but it is fun: If she is just mean, I act out with disappointment and say something like, “Ah damn, I hate being wrong! I absolutely insisted to my friends that you were not going to be a cold fish and now I have to go back to them and admit they were right,” then I smile and walk away. Another defense example is to simple say, “Oops, I’m sorry I mistook you for a nice person.”
Ask questions – This is really just another form of the confident conversational approach. Here are some situational questions you can ask to get the ball rolling with a woman that interests you. As you’ll notice, most of these aren’t even “real” questions. They are really just reasons to get a conversation started. So let’s cover some places where this approach works well:
- Anywhere – You can always use what we call off situational but general knowledge, which is really just a fancy way to say “off the wall questions.” For instance, at the time I was writing this material we were in the midst of a ton of presidential debates and media coverage, so one of my favorites was to walk up to women and ask them, “Hey, can you help me out? My friends and I were trying to figure out who our previous 5 Presidents were?” This is conversational, but so far from sounding like a pick up or threat that it may get her talking to you. If she blows you off you have lost nothing and proved that she isn’t as intelligent as you may have thought. You can use this with any kind of situation. If you are traveling and talk to a local try, “Can you tell me the five closest countries?” then move onto what you absolutely must see and keep the conversation moving.
- Grocery store – Asking for her opinion of the fish or the beef or, if you are feeling adventurous and playful, ask something like, “Will this steak make me look fat?”
- Bookstore – Making a comment on the book she is looking at or asking her opinion of what book you should be looking at in the particular section you are standing in. If you have a funny book in your hand about relationships for men or women you might ask, again if you are feeling adventurous, something like, “Who do you think needs this book more, men or women?”
- Coffee shop – Anything to do with the surroundings. For example, last week I walked up to a girl who was sitting at a table in the highest traffic area in the store and reading. I said with a smile, “That book must either be the most interesting read ever, or you have amazing focus.” In another instance a girl was sitting near the bathroom also near the place where you pick up your order and I smiled and said, “Did you sit here for the attention, or to keep getting bumped into?” Both women responded with a smile and a comment, and off to the conversation races we went. Just a side note: I kept the conversations light and playful and then used an exit close and said, “I am really enjoying our conversation but I have to run, how should I get hold of you?” Both women shared their numbers.
- Bars and clubs – I will usually look to make eye contact with a smile. Immediately after I get the smile and the look away with a return look I am over to her with a smile and a, “Hi, how are you?” I will talk later about some off the wall approaches for this environment. I am not big on bars and clubs because women are on high alert and the competition is fierce. I typically use these as practice grounds for trying stuff out. Don’t be discouraged because many of the off the wall questions and of course simply approaching with confidence and bravado are successful in bar scenes; it is just not my personal preference.
- Single’s events – I use a relaxing question or a comment about the environment in these situations. For example, “I am usually very confident with people, but for some reason I am a bit nervous in here. How about you?” Watch for her response and go with it from there. I talk more about going with it later in the course.
More questions for your approach (not a style, but I thought we could add some thoughts for your mind to start mulling over) – Remember, as long as you present yourself as we have discussed and you have embedded into your brain that you really are bringing a Better Deal and that she is simply the female of the species who has a lot to gain from getting to know you, most anything that rolls off your tongue is going to get the conversation started, and that is what is important not just the result simply ask her anything off the wall to catch her off guard and peak her curiosity.
One question that my friends like to bust my balls about but is successful is to ask off the wall questions like, “I have a question for you. What’s your pet’s name?” Now she is going to respond 1 of 5 ways: she’ll ask you why; she’ll ask how I know she has a pet; she’ll tell me her pet’s name; she’ll say she doesn’t have one; or she’ll tell me to go away…any of which are fine.
When she asks “why” I can go one of two ways. With the first way I say, “Well, I wanted to talk to you, so instead of using a cheesy pick up line I thought I would ask about something I like. I like dogs and don’t really like rodents. So does your have a pet have a name?” If she tells me with a smile I ask, “So what is a (insert pet’s name)?” and off we go. If she says she doesn’t have one, I say something like “Hmm, shall I guess why?” with a huge (but still natural) grin. When she says sure, I go with, “Too spoiled, and a pet would take attention away from you?” or, “Devoted career woman with plastic plants?” Be sure to smile when you’re busting her chops. However she answers, I move on with the conversation and talk about the subjects she brings up. If she starts to go away from the subject or gets testy, I simply adjust. Second way, I tell her “Well, I just read in a magazine that you can tell a lot about a person by the pet they own or don’t and what they name them, so I thought I would see how accurate this stuff is!” From there, if she tells you she doesn’t have one then go with something like, “Oh, that says you are selfish and kind of cold,” shaking your head kind of disapprovingly and then follow quickly with a big smile and, “Or you have monstrous plans of being successful, which is it with you?” Off to the conversation races you go. If she gives you the pet’s name out of curiosity, find out first what type of pet it is and then go with a couple of compliments like, “That says that you are creative and spicy,” then throw in something to get her riled up like, “But, you are often high maintenance,” (or selfish, or needy, etc.) whichever one seems to fit the breed to you. If it is a mutt, then needy fits; if it is a purebred, then go with high maintenance. You get the point, make it fit and fun. If she has a cat then get the breed again and use a similar set of words. If it is an exotic pet, then everything still applies, just throw something in there about creativity. Kind of pick it out of the bits of her personality that you can see so far, but be sure to throw in the one that will get her riled up so the conversation can continue when she disagrees (or even if she agrees).
Off the wall assistance questions or situational questions all get the ball rolling. Just remember to have fun and don’t be afraid to ask questions that seem out there or even a bit over the edge like, “Who lies more, little boys or little girls?” then go on from there, remembering to give her a bit of a hard time about some of her answers. Don’t beat her up, though. Sometimes guys using this approach get the response they want at first so they continue to beat her down; remember this is all supposed to be lighthearted and fun, not an inquisition. The more confident and comfortable you are the more effective this approach is.
Confident humorous – No joke telling, but something different and blatantly funny or teasing. For example, walk up to a girl at the bar smile and say, “Hello.” If she smiles and responds, then ask her if she is open to help you with a serious guy dilemma. When she smiles and says, “Sure” follow with, “Which would be a better pick up approach to use with you, go with the obviously ridiculous and start laughing like, ‘Hey, is it loud in here or is that just my heart pounding,’ or a smile and hello?” Depending on which way she goes you work the conversation and enjoy. And if she calls you on using a line in itself you laugh and ask her if you are making any points? And still move the conversation along. Confidence that even borders on arrogance is the key. You can insert any “guy dilemma” or age old guy/girl question you want. Know that whatever you say, if you think it’s funny then it’s funny; period. If she doesn’t get it that’s her problem. This one takes a bit of practice, but when you nail it you have great openers. Teasing is another way to go on this approach style. Give her a hard time about the situation or something about her. For example, I was standing next to this lovely young woman in the grocery store and she was wearing pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt, so I said to her, “Well thank God you got dressed up for your trip to the store.” I smiled and she smiled and responded, “Yeah, I had to get all dolled up.” I laughed a bit and said, “Well, I would hate to see what you wear when you are out on a date.” She laughed and said, “It isn’t all THAT bad.” Obviously the door was open so I said, “I guess you will just have to prove that one to me, what do you say we grab a cup of coffee this week?” She smiled and wrote her number on my receipt. Simple, situational humor is what you want. Nothing will help you more in this department than going to an improvisation humor class. This is fun and will help you to wing situational humor.
Flirting with eyes and smiles – This is an interesting approach because you really aren’t saying anything for the majority of the approach. For instance, you see the girl, make eye contact and smile, and she returns the smile. You look away and look back up and make eye contact again, this time you mouth, “Hi,” which she returns. The approach is over at that point because it is time to start any conversation on the planet. Almost any question besides, “Do you come here often?” is going to get things moving. What I use in this situation is something like, “Hi, I loved your smile, what else should I know about you?” If you are leaving or planning to leave shortly you can also use, “Hi, you know, I enjoyed flirting with you across the room, (smiles) but my friends and I are heading out, (frowns) how should I get hold of you so we can find out more about each other?” Easy, two minutes at most and you have her number and her curiosity.
There are others, but these are enough to get you started and begin to create your own. Avoid the cliché and complimenting tactics, particularly if the women are extremely good looking. The only exception to this is when you can recognize something about her that has nothing to do with her looks. If she did something very generous or selfless for someone, you may walk up to her and say, “I am impressed that you were so generous, you don’t see that in people as much as I wish you would,” or if you heard her speak and she was very articulate you could compliment her on her intelligence. You could also have a little fun with her and test out her sense of humor or challenge her with something like, “Now you have my attention, pretty and intelligent, but do you have a sense of humor?” or “Pretty and social values, impressive, but do you get out and camp or is it city girl all the way for you?”
Avoid the belief that to get her number you have to talk to her for an extended period of time. There is no guideline requiring you to talk “X” amount of time before you get her phone number. When you have a reason to get her number get it as soon as you have the opportunity. If in your Social Market you have planned a party or have been invited to a party or event, bring it up when the opportunity arises and get her number to tell her where it is and how to get there. You do not have to seal the deal. The point of the conversation is to get to the next level. Getting her number or taking her for a first date right then and there is the next level, so focus on the process of accomplishing that and nothing more.
POINT OF DISCUSSION: One point that we must make is that you DO NOT need to have a creative question that is different for every girl you encounter. It is important for you to realize that even though you may have used the same question or approach 5 times this week after using it 5 times the previous week, it is the FIRST time she has heard it! Most likely you have gotten better at delivering it after the first couple times anyway! You can even use the “help me out” questions with groups of girls or girls that don’t know each other standing side by side if the first one doesn’t respond all that well.
Don’t make this into a complicated mess. The whole point of the approach is to break the ice. Realize that the last two lessons have all been about the first 10 seconds of an interaction. I absolutely promise you that, “Hi, how are you?” is just as effective if presented as we have described. The only difference is with such a basic question she is going to be aware that you are interested in starting a conversation. You will have to overcome a few of those primitive warning systems, but as long as you remain comfortable then she will too.
As we have said many times, all of this is even easier when you have a Social Market to work with, because even if you don’t know everyone at a particular event or have not been introduced to someone, you are both at the same event and there for a similar reason. Her defenses are going to be down more than in the average situation.
We will be giving you more tools and information in the forums, in new courses, and the advice columns that are in the site. What we have given you to start with is enough to get out there and be successful, I assure you, but because we are guys we know MORE is BETTER!
In the next lesson we are going to talk a little about what is going on in her head.