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Lesson 5: Safety – The Gateway to My Heart
By Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team
If men truly understood the importance of women’s emotional, psychological and physical safety, there would be very little need for a program like ours. Providing this is essential to our willingness to open up and offer you the Golden Ticket to our bodies, our femininity and our hearts. Make no mistake, this cannot be feigned. You can change your haircut or roll around in new digs, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing will be found out. Unlike some of the easier fixes, safety is something that you must consistently cultivate if you want to demonstrate that you are a man of character and honor.
When I start talking about safety, most men get this image of fending off the bad guy to protect the damsel in distress. In case you haven’t noticed, we women are growing more and more capable of keeping ourselves safe these days. We have developed some sophisticated ways of balancing the scales of the physical differences between the sexes. Between tazer guns and self-defense courses, we have armed ourselves with skills, techniques and technology to maintain our safety. This doesn’t mean, however, that the underlying fear about our physical wellbeing is altogether gone. Sadly, if those fears didn’t still exist there would be no market for such programs or apparatus. It simply means that we now have some more tools in our arsenal to protect ourselves physically. We have moved up Maslow’s theoretical Hierarchy of Needs. This is the notion that once our most basic needs for things like food, shelter and safety are met we are psychologically and physically free to seek a higher order of needs such as intellectual advancement, interpersonal relationships and spirituality. Now that we aren’t being chased by wild animals and fending for our safety on a daily basis, we can turn to the next rung of the ladder…emotional safety.
Hopefully by now, you’ve read some of our information about the Primitive Brain. You understand that men’s and women’s brains are hardwired differently for the purpose of ensuring the survival of the species. No matter how much we spin it or try to distance ourselves from it in our modern sophistication, this is still, and always will be, what drives our behavior when it comes to the opposite sex. Women of childbearing age are not only sizing up men for their mating compatibility, but they’re also aware that bearing children means physical vulnerability, the need for protection and the provision of resources. Translation: when we have kids, we are temporarily out of commission, leaving us dependent upon others for our safety, shelter and food. In today’s world, we have friends, hospitals and social resources that can offer us the support we need. With that being said, women are aware that becoming pregnant means depending upon others in part for our well being and leaves us in a potentially dangerous situation if these needs aren’t met. This whole notion is the motivating force behind ensuring our physical safety, access to birth control and our drive to assess the reliability of our potential mates.
What this means to you is that if a woman has the sense that all that you want from her is sex, but you are covert about it and approach her as a potential sexual predator, then there’s the possibility (if she hasn’t taken precautions) that she could become pregnant and thereby vulnerable. This means you get nowhere fast. I can hear you saying, “But sometimes (most times) all I really do want is sex…” This is where your honesty wins you points and can improve your chances of scoring. If you are clear about your desires, then she has the choice to respond to your honest intentions without the need to put you through the wringer to determine your motives.
An important note of caution here: if you are somewhat of a novice in the female department and are still working on confidence and presentation, being direct and forthcoming about your sexual desires is a bit of a risk. This isn’t to say that the risk doesn’t pay off at times (I’m reminded of the Dumb and Dumber movie scene where Jim Carey’s character is desperately trying to woo the female lead and quips, “What are my chances with you?” She responds, “…about one in a million.” And he excitedly yells, “So you’re sayin’ there’s a chance!”) Playing the odds may indeed eventually pay off, but you’ll be much better poised for the jackpot if you’ve done your homework, have had some history of success and have established some strong skills with the ladies before going for the direct “I just want sex” approach.
What I’m really getting at is that though you may be mostly preoccupied and want women for sex, but generally speaking, the experience is much more pleasurable when you’ve established a certain rapport and bond with her. If the only thing you’re interested in is an anonymous romp, then understand that saying the “right” things or giving the “right” presentation to make her feel safe enough to get her into bed may not be the most successful approach. None of the “right” surface level messages get you very far if you’re being a bit incongruent; if all your body language and demeanor say is that you really don’t care about what she’s saying, you simply want a physical connection.
If you are sneaky or deceitful in your presentation, she is left to use your non-verbal cues, your words and the social context to determine your intentions and she will likely err on the side of safety.
Once you have genuinely established a connection with her and you’re both wondering where the night is taking you, allow me to debunk the myth that being upfront about your desires will get you nowhere. It may mean that the particular woman you’re interested in at the moment may not want a casual sexcapade, but at least you’ve determined that from the start. Believe me when I say that many of my friends are interested in having casual sex for the sake of sport and pleasure. Accessibility to birth control methods changed all of that and has allowed women to become more sexually expressive. If a woman is advancing upon you (and she’s in a sober, non-compromised state), she has likely assessed the safety factor and determined that she can ensure her security. However, don’t let that keep you from communicating and being smart about your sexual encounters.
Unfortunately, there are still men who prey upon women and there are women who aren’t very skilled at assessing safety. This means that women have developed some sophisticated ways of assessing your true motives.
Some factors that help women feel safe are:
- Proximity: Maintaining arm’s distance in the beginning will make her feel more comfortable. Bee-lining it toward her, approaching her from behind and closing your body off so that she has no possible exit will automatically cause her to tense up. Instead, approach her from the side and make your presence known verbally if she doesn’t see you right away; don’t touch!
- Non-verbal cues: It’s ok to check me out, it’s not ok when you’re licking your lips, grabbing your crotch or staring incessantly at my chest…it makes me feel like prime rib that you’re getting ready to devour.
- Verbal cues: She’s listening for words that signal danger or cues that what you’re saying and what you’re wanting are not the same.
- Honesty: She’s looking for the demonstration of integrity and honor through being forthcoming about yourself and having honesty in your presentation.
Take some notice of how people generally feel in your presence. Are they uptight or relaxed? Tense or at ease? Use these skills in your everyday interactions with both men and women as practice for when you approach a woman of interest. With females representing half the population, there are many opportunities to hone these skills outside of your dating and mating life. Practice away….