Approaching Women Course 1: Changing Your Mindset
Lesson two: Building up a different mindset
Alright, now we will start to make significant changes in the way you think about women and the way you think about approaching women. One of the first specific points that you need to understand is that women are not superior. Allow me to elaborate; make no mistake I am not implying that women do not deserve to be treated special, particularly when you choose a specific woman to commit to. What I am referring to is the fact that women are simply the female of the human species. When you are truly able to grasp this fact the way you will interact with women will change immediately. This is not a derogatory statement, nor is it a statement with intention to belittle or degrade women. Quite the opposite in fact, because it is our belief that everyone deserves to be treated with respect, admiration, and to have a beautiful relationship that they are happy and excited about.
Here’s the point. Men tend to go about approaching women, as if women are the prize. Men tend to create such a pedestal for women that when they actually do approach them, they have created a barrier to their own success. It is a common misconception men have, that women have their act together and because they have good looks they must have all other areas of their life in A-plus status. The simple reality is that when they are approached by a man who is confident and capable of creating an environment where they are enjoying themselves and feel safe they are just as nervous that they are going to blow it as any man would be, this includes even very attractive women.
You see you are working from one perspective, your own. The only exception to this rule is when you are experiencing from your close friends’ incidents. The unfortunate truth about that as it applies to women is that the reason you are friends is because you have commonalities and similar learned behaviors, mannerisms, and hobbies. Men are also extremely misguided by the role models that influence their lives. These role models include: father figures, the media and television, and their peers. Think about this point carefully, besides your personal experience where are you getting all of your information?
Back to women being the female of the species and nothing more. Let’s leave religious arguments out of the equation and think with an open mind for just a few minutes. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that the human race has been evolving for millions of years. Taking that simple argument and applying the fact that our “civilized” way of life has only been around for approximately 10 to 20 thousand years we have a lot more time as a primitive species than a civilized one. You may be wondering why I am bringing this information up. It is simple, if we are primarily driven by our primitive brain, the hard wiring that has a sole purpose of survival and propagation of the species, why not use this biological fact to our advantage?
The issue is that the individuals in modern civilization would prefer not to look at ourselves as animals. Now I am not suggesting that we are savage and primal to the point that wild animals are, but if we have millions of years of hard wired information churning in our brains, then that same drive for survival, mating, and ensuring the survival of our off spring is the same as wild animals, just a bit more dolled up.
To this point, it is the male of the species in wild animals that are the instigators for mating in most species. In bird species it is usually the males that take all the risks in displaying colorful feathers and subjecting themselves to danger to prove to the female of the species that they are the best choice for the female to mate with. If the female turns out to not be worthy of the male, the male will disregard her and seek to find another more suitable mate. It is up to the female to move along the mating or she may not find a male to mate with. We want you to think of the female of our species the same way. You will do your mating dance, but the fact that a female has attracted you with her particular adornments does not mean that she has earned the right to continue the mating dance with you. The simple fact is that she is the female of the species you are the male. You must do your part in the dance and so must she.
Jessica here to add my comments on this one…I believe that we’ve forgotten the crucial role that men play as the lovers and givers of life. Women germinate your seed, but you deliver the critical component that begins the entire process. I think that we’ve focused so much on women as “givers” that we’ve usurped men’s vital roles and given proper acknowledgement for the importance of what you bring. This may sound a bit esoteric, but this point is an imperative one that I’ll highlight in later lessons- I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you’re showing up as the man and giver of life that you behold so that we may in turn take that love and help it grow.
The primitive brain is more of a driver than you may give it credit for. The Amygdala is an almond shaped mass of grey matter that associated with feelings of fear and aggression, it is the part of the brain responsible for signaling the Hypothalamus that the fight or flight response is necessary in a particular situation. If we are not still animals, why do we have this response? Why have we not removed this through evolution? Remember we are the descendants of the survivors of our species. We are the descendants of the individuals who did what it took to survive, find a mate, be chosen as a mate, breed, and successfully raise children that were able to repeat the cycle. That same fight or flight response is just as active today as it was a million years ago; primitive women had to be acutely aware of behaviors of the men in their groups or clans that would endanger their lives or the lives of their children.
They developed social bonding skills that helped them to recognize danger as well as positive interactions that would promote their own survival. It is a fact that women have a superior peripheral vision to men; theoretically this was developed to have a larger field of view for danger. It is a fact that new born and up to 1.5 year old females have a higher response to facial features, emotional displays, and recognitions than their male counter parts. This is then developed and encouraged throughout their lives and practiced in the way that women bond with each other as well as with their mate and children.
Interesting, yes, but what does all of that have to do with approaching women?
Simple! If you are approaching women and presenting yourself nervously, fearfully, or unsure of yourself; you are going to give off the body language, tonality, and physical presentation of a threat or that there is a reason to be afraid. Now, with all that you have learned in that past few paragraphs, what do you think is going to happen?
First, if you are afraid or presenting a threat, her practiced and sub-conscious primitive brain is going to be sending a signal that says, “I’m not sure what it is, but he is acting like there is something wrong, and if he thinks there is something wrong, then I should think there is something wrong.” Then that wonderful system designed for survival kicks in and her amygdala sends a message to the hypothalamus and, bingo, she is throwing up roadblocks and the answer is sure to be a “NO.” It is safer to walk away than to explore her curiosity.
Second, if you are presenting yourself in a manner that demonstrates that she is the prize, that you are the lucky one in the situation, her primitive brain kicks in once again and she begins to assess that if you are unsure of what you bring and that she is bringing so much more to the table; surely there is a superior male that would be a better mate, provider, and protector of her and her young.
Lastly, If you have bought into the misconception that women are superior and that there is only a limited supply of beautiful women, you are going to send a message to your own primitive brain that you must prove your worth to have a mate and each time you fail to have a woman accept you, you are further and further down the evolutionary food chain and therefore your opportunities to spread your seed, that primal drive to propagate, is going to convince you that you have to settle for whichever female that will accept you. And the cycle will continue…
Another point here about mindset- not only will your ideas about the limited supply of women send messages to your primitive brain, it will also cast messages out to your environment as a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you think about will come about, without exception. This is why shifting those core beliefs, eliminating what is non-supportive to you and believing that you truly deserve love and happiness is critical if you want what we teach to be impactful and lasting.
You see, when we break our social interactions down to the raw and primitive drives then it is clear to see that women, regardless of their looks, are driven to accomplish the same mission that is driving you to be attracted to her. Women have the same primitive hardwiring that drives them to find a mate and create a safe environment for her and the potential for her children. They are simply the female of the species. True they have a different perspective and different needs to be fulfilled, but they are not superior by any stretch of the imagination.
It also must be pointed out that women are challenged the same as men are. They must compete with other women to gain the attention of men; they must deal with and accept that some women are more genetically blessed, and that they run the risk of rejection just the same as any man. They basically have the same issue of presenting men a Better Deal than the deal they currently have just as we teach you that you must provide the same to her.
This is all very true and why we’re working so hard to shift this in the world. It breaks my heart to listen to girls as young as 11 begin comparing and berating themselves for their looks, like devaluing their lives because their breasts haven’t developed like the others in gym class. My mission is to intervene before this becomes further ingrained so that they can restore a sense of genuine worth and value. Women who’ve been at this for decades have a much harder time than my teenaged clients and much more baggage to let go of. So do yourself a favor and take heed right now before this becomes engrained deeper into your being.
Continuing on with basics on Primitive Brain:
It is this same primitive brain that drives our fear of rejection. In primitive thinking, if you were rejected by others it was a death sentence. Obviously, in our modern society you can and will survive on your own, but remember it is the primitive brain that doesn’t know it is the 21st century.
The good news is that with this information you can use it to your advantage. Obviously not to bring it to her attention that safety is a prime driver for her to want to spend more time with you and that if you present yourself in a manner that shows her that with you she will have what we call the Better Deal, but if you know what the obstacles to overcome are, then you can do the work it takes to be a success.
The first mindset change is to accept the fact that regardless of what she looks like she is simply the female of a primitive minded and driven species.
The second mindset change is to accept that fact that you are a mammal. You may have spirituality and you may have skills that grant you superiority over much of the animal kingdom, but you are still driven by the same instincts that drive and help the animals to survive.
The only real point to make on this is by example: If you were a raggedy and scrawny squirrel and you saw a young, sexy, bushy tailed squirrel in the tree next to you, do you think that you would first think about all of the other female squirrels that have rejected you in the past? If there is another boy squirrel already chasing her around the tree, would you think about whether or not you had a bushy enough tail? Enough nuts stored away for the winter? What the other squirrels would think about you if she didn’t want to run around the tree with you? OR, do you think you would do your squirrel dance and twitch your tail in your best squirrel macho twitch and run your ass down the tree you were in and up the tree she is in and start the chase?
You know as well as I do that that male squirrel could give a rat’s ass about anything else in the world to include his personal safety other than the possibility to mate with that female, and if for some insane reason she didn’t want to run around the tree with that male squirrel or if he got run off by another squirrel that he wouldn’t go into a fit of depression or self doubt or self defamation; he would simply get on with his search and when he found the next squirrelly that caught his eye he would start over as if it were the first time in his life.
Animals can teach us a ton, they don’t worry about the rest of the world, they worry about what is in front of them, not the result, they keep the goal in mind, but it is the process that is important.
Now let’s move on to an idea that is going to be extremely foreign to you.
The third mindset change: You must expect and demand that the women you are interested in bring more to the table than looks and body.
Please understand that from a purely sexual basis we understand that if she is hot, there are a ton of miscellaneous items you are willing to forgive. We are guys, we understand, but that is not the point. The moment you have chosen to give her permission to be complete by simply looking the way she does, you have given up one of the items that will help you to be appealing to her. The challenge. Just as guys want to have the prize, so do women. They want to know that they have made the right choice and that this choice is valuable.
Men have some marks against them even before you can commit any fatal flaws, for young women are taught by their fathers, who unknowingly perpetuate this mindset by telling their daughters that all that men want “is to get in your pants.” Some have heard this for decades, so it has become a part of the expectation that women have of men. You can do your part and look for the full spectrum of what women have to offer.
The point of it is that you must change the way you think about what value she is to you based on her looks and body.
There is something that I like to call “your list” and you should make one for yourself. What I am talking about is the list of items you need from a girl. Now there is always going to be the standards: good looking, great body, fun, etc., but that list is just the tip of the iceberg. If you have done your work in the Better Deal overview you know that there are 22 components that make up that system and with that scale you are able to see the whole picture you are bringing to the table. This is going to be how you establish the true value you bring (more on that in the next lesson of this course), but where guys miss their opportunity is that they don’t create a similar list for the women they are going to meet. They let the women off the hook at looks and body. This gives women a huge advantage and limits the ability for a guy to choose to walk away.
On the other hand if you have a real list, one that you have actually sat down and written out of what you need from a woman and understand your list is going to be completely unique from anyone else’s list, you are accomplishing a lot more then you think. First, you are giving yourself an anchor to keep you secure in the fact that she has work to do to impress you. Second, you are giving yourself a tool to help you to protect yourself and more importantly your self esteem. Third, that list can help you to have more fun and be playful with the women you meet. It gives you tools to present a challenge to her and for her to overcome. Lastly, it will keep you from falling into the trap of fawning over her to get or keep her attention.
Your homework assignment is to sit down and honestly write out what it is you want in a woman. Don’t half ass this thing either or just do it in their head. There is a method to our madness and it is important that you sit down and put thought to this.
Here are the steps to make this a real tool that you can use and to help with the mindset change that will help you well into the future.
1. Get a real pen/pencil and a couple of sheets of paper (after you are done you can put it on an electronic device if you choose.)
2. Start writing down all of the attributes you want in a woman. Do not edit or worry about the validity of the statements, simply brainstorm it out, open your list up to things like lifestyle activities or maybe even spiritual convictions if that is important to you.
3. After you have exhausted all of the ideas go back and re-read them to yourself and pick the top 10 to 15 items you really want to have.
4. After you have isolated your to 10 to 15 items divide the number of items in half and round down if necessary. (Example: if you had 15 items your new number would be 7 as opposed to 7.5; if your number of items was 10 then you would have 5)
5. Choose that number of must haves. If you have 15 on the list currently, you must decide what 7 are items you absolutely can’t live without. This is not easy and you do not get to add more. The goal is to honestly assess what you want in your girl, particularly if you met the girl you think you would want to potentially commit to.
6. After you have chosen your items carefully write a description of what that means to you. For instance if you said she has to be good looking, give a description – height, weight, complexion, etc.
7. This is your list. Now, you can make exceptions, but if you find yourself making exceptions to 5 of 7 items because of the way she looks, you are falling into your old trap.
8. Keep your whole list including the items you did not use, this list will come in handy a little later when we help you with where to go to meet women.
This exercise is powerful in a lot of ways, it accomplishes what we have been talking about in this lesson, but it will also help you in several different ways as you learn more through the approach course series as well as in the website.
We hope that you have a little different perspective on women than when you started this section. We are not done helping you to change your entire perspective. In the next lesson we are going to talk about changing your view of yourself. Remember this entire course is placing the foundation of your mindset to help you to be as successful as you want to be with approaching women. Yes, it is more work than us telling you what to do and when, but we promise it will be worth it and you will be far more successful when you think differently!