Approaching Women Course 1: Changing Your Mindset
Lesson one: Common beliefs and our mission
By Jessica and The First 10 Minutes Team
We have taken this area of training and broken it into several courses since it is such a big area of concern for most single men. The issue is that there are several areas we need to address to help you to be as successful as possible. This particular course is going to be geared specifically to changing your mindset. These are the basics to help you become more comfortable in any situation you may find yourself encountering the women that you are interested in.
You see most guys have some serious misconceptions of women. Guys tend to place so much value on looks that we create a mindset that is detrimental to our success with the women we desire. There are so many ways that we play tricks on ourselves that if we take the time to correct them, approaching women is no longer an issue; it becomes what it should be, a source of entertainment and a way to interact with the women. One of the major points we will help you to understand is that the approach is nothing more than the tool to break what we call the conversation barrier.
Other companies and individuals who are out there with the claim to help men pick up women are set up on the principle that if they give you the right things to say and the right way to act, you will be successful. The truth is you will be, but most of the self proclaimed gurus out there are trying to convince men that their way of going about picking up women is going to solve ALL of their problems. Unfortunately what ends up happening is that even though you will have success with some women, which may be a significant jump from where you were starting from, you have not solved your own issues, you have only thrown in a temporary fix to a much bigger problem. What do you think will happen when what we call the “magic feather” approach moves into a relationship? Even before that, what happens to your appeal after the first few interactions? You have to understand that though our approach to working with you takes more effort on both of our parts up front, we are helping you to be successful not only in getting her number and getting her through the first few dates, but throughout the potential relationship as well. We realize that a long term relationship may or may not be your goal, but we know for a fact that being successful with women is the goal and the only way to truly be successful is to change your mindset, not just give you a few magic feathers and send you on your way. We don’t want to give you support by giving you more magic feathers when the old versions get tired. We want to help you to present the dynamic and genuine individual inside of you and have that individual be comfortable and exciting every time you interact with a new woman or spend time with a specific woman. Most importantly we want you to the real you, not a preset line of statements or actions that are someone else’s words and patterns.
I hope you understand that by doing the work up front we plan to make approaching women a non-event. We plan to help you to understand that the more comfortable you are the higher your success rate will be now and in the future. The coordination of who you believe you are and who you present to the world aimed at the women you are interested in will easily change even very casual interactions into interactions where you are seen as dynamic and interesting. Part of the reason why the “magic feather” teachings out there are effective is because YOU believe that it will work. In your believing that it will work you approach women with confidence and comfort, with great tonality, with the belief that what you are doing is going to work; so of course if you approach women with that persona you are going to get positive results eventually. Even when you don’t get a positive reaction from a particular girl you are still in the mindset that it will work with someone so you try again and again until it does. The KEY element of this is that YOU BELIEVE. We want to teach you to have that same belief, not in our systems (which will work for the very same reasons) but in the individual delivering the message! That individual is you!
Even if you have never looked at other systems for approaching women, we all have that buddy who is a master. He makes it seem so effortless and always seems to have no problem getting girls to pay attention to him. He is teaching you the same way, he tells you what to do and you have seen it work for him, so you think it will work for you and as long as you believe it will work and you present it the with the same level of conviction it well might work for you too. The issue is not the approach it is what to do afterwards, what to do when it is just the two of you together and all of a sudden, without you really knowing, it dawns on her that you are a different person than she thought you were. She may like this new version or she may not. Ever ended up in the friend zone when you thought it was going well? Ever been talking to a girl and all of a sudden the red light gets thrown up and you have no idea why? Do you have a friend or maybe yourself that other people say is attractive, a nice guy, and maybe even has a great job or money and you can’t figure out why you or he can’t seem to get a girl? It all has to do with mindset.
We promise in the next course of the approach training lessons to give you tips and tools to approach women and be successful; we’ll give you what to say and how to act information you are looking for and it works. We know from our own personal experience and from the experiences of the guys we have coached one on one! BUT, all of that information is useless unless you start working on your mindset!
Okay, I am hoping you are convinced that if you change your mindset you will have little to no need for “lines” or “gimmicks.” You will be able to work within any situation you find yourself in and depend on your Unique Appealing Persona to attract and be attractive to the women you desire, not a gimmick or a set of lines!
Let’s get started.
To start, let’s address some of the issues or beliefs that guys have with approaching women. If you find yourself with a unique situation not covered here or in any of the other Approach courses in this series or in the courses on Approach Anxiety, Niceguyitis, or Shyguyitis then ask us your question in the comments below.
Mindset Change Core: Before we get into the outline and addressing of specific issues, we want to make sure you understand something that is CRITICAL. The biggest mistake guys make about approaching women is the belief that it is their job to get her to like you. You will see while studying the approach basics series that this is simply not true. This mentality is the bane of most men because of the pressure it creates for them to be perfect in the first few seconds of any interaction.
The fact of the matter is that the sole purpose of the person approaching is to simply take you from being a perfect stranger to an individual of interest and from there to a person that is engaged in conversation with the woman you find attractive. Nothing more! You see the only thing separating you from being someone that any woman has recognized as a potential for anything is the conversation barrier.
The conversation barrier is an imaginary separator that most people believe exists. Think about it, how often have you been introduced to a person whom by appearance only gives you the impression that they are not all that friendly or are in another class of people only to discover that because you were introduced to each other they are just a Chatty Kathy? You then have a new impression of them all together.
Most of the conversation barrier is created by social norms and self protection features (particularly for women). Read on and as we adjust your mindset, you will begin to recognize your role in creating this barrier as well as your responsibility to remove that barrier.
On to recognizing beliefs issues:
These are the most common beliefs and issues guys bring to us in our one on one coaching sessions:
- Men compare her current looks and body to all of their personal past. They compare how beautiful she is to every mistake, blunder, failed relationship, and failed attempt to pick up a girl as if she would ever know or care about any of that information.
- This is obviously not on the top of your conscious mind, but that nervousness and uneasiness you are feeling in your stomach and all of the doubts you have are simply this issue. The Better Deal as a whole is your answer to this issue, but more to come on this in lesson two of this course.
- Men have a belief system that there is a standard of who they should be dating.
- For some reason guys have the misconception that if their buddies don’t find a girl attractive and they do then they themselves must be wrong. More on this in lessons four and five of this course.
- Men believe that women are superior and are holding all the cards.
- We are going to help you to understand that women are not superior nor are you, but women are simply the female of the species just as you are the male. They are not the prize. More on this in lesson two of this course.
- Men believe that women do not want to be “picked up” or approached.
- Well if that were true no one would ever end up dating. We will cover more on this in lesson seven of this course.
- Men believe that it is what you say that gets the girl, it is how you look and how much money you have that makes the difference.
- We will help you to get past this in lesson three when we talk about a Unique Appealing Persona.
- Men believe that approaching women is a task, that it is hard.
- If your entire world is hinged on the outcome, then we agree, we will want to help you to learn to focus on the process and not the outcome. In dealing with approaching women in this manner you will always be able to protect your confidence and approaching women will become what it is supposed to be fun and entertaining. More on this in lesson five of this course.
- Men are sure that because of the way she looks she will not be interested in him.
- We also hear that men are unsure of whether or not she is too busy and doesn’t want to be bothered and many other variations of excuses as to why they don’t approach her. More in lesson three.
- Men believe that successful guys with women never have issues and that those guys have a high percentage success ratio.
- We love this one, I don’t care who you are or how talented you are, I guarantee that there are women who have chosen to not spend time with you. We talk about it clearly in the Better Deal explanations. More on this in lesson five.
- Men believe that eventually they will find the perfect girl, and when you stop looking is when she will appear.
- If that were the case everyone would have the person of their dreams delivering a pizza to their door. I don’t know about you, but the pizza delivery dude that comes to my house is no treat! More on this in lesson five of this course.
- Men think that it is easier for women then for men.
- This is true if you are talking about taking a guy home from the bar. A hot girl can take home pretty much any single guy they want for the night. The issue is that this is male thinking, women don’t think the same way men do about dating or even sex; yes there are exceptions, but we assure you dating and finding the guy that makes them happy is just as difficult for them as for us. More on this in lesson seven
- Men think that women think of men the way that men think of women.
- Now it is true that they look at a cute guy and enjoy the view. From that point is about where it all ends. More in lesson seven.
- Men don’t understand that there is a lot more going on than whether or not she likes you.
- We talk a ton about the primitive brain. You will learn how to use this and the chemical releases that occur when men and women are feeling each other. More in lesson two and three
- Men believe that objections and rejections are about him.
- The funny part about this one is that we as guys take it so personally when a woman objects to our advances or decides not to give us her phone number or whatever, but this is not about you, this is about her. More on this in lesson three.
- Before a guy even approaches he has already convinced himself she will most likely say, “no.”
- This goes back to all of his past experiences being rushed forward into this one; this is about a guy’s own view of himself and his value. More on this in lesson three of this course.
- Men are under the misconception that if they approach a woman the only success is getting her to like him.
- Interestingly, though it seems reasonable to a guy that you should have a goal, keep your eye on the ball and stay with it till you have your prize. After all we were taught this over and over by our male role models; unfortunately that same commitment is the killer, if you forfeit your ability to walk away from her you have given her all of the power. You must always maintain your ability to walk away. More in lesson two and seven.
Obviously, if we wanted to go on and on with these thoughts, beliefs, and issues we could. This list is the most common issues we hear, but unfortunately not all of the issues we hear. Our mission is to help you to understand how to change your mindset for any or all of these that apply to you or that you have ever experienced. After you have finished this entire course you will have a completely different mindset about women and more importantly about yourself.