Section 2: How women spot confidence
Genuine confidence cannot be feigned. Many attempt to compensate for it through basic to very sophisticated means, but sooner or later, the truth is always unveiled. The tools we give you on this site will cover everything from the surface level stuff like style, looks and etiquette to the deeper and fundamental things like self esteem and spirituality. True confidence is exuded from the inside out. Many attempt to work from the outside in and though there’s nothing wrong with this per say, it can take longer and isn’t necessarily sustainable. If you’re basing your confidence on the external factors that can and will change, you’re bound to experience high highs and low lows. An alternative is to address the core of you, develop a true sense of confidence, which is closely linked to your self worth and value. From this stance, the external factors in your life come to support your esteemed self and won’t be decimated by external fluctuations in things like your job or living situation. This is the less traveled road because it involves getting real…the upswing is that the gifts and rewards that come with doing this kind of work are beyond what most will EVER experience.
So I want to congratulate you for taking the first steps to building a lasting sense of confidence, where the outer you reflects the genuinely confident internal you. Women know the difference and this lesson is meant to outline some of the ways we spot it.
Posture, Gait and Stance
First impressions in the form of who you REALLY are experienced much faster than she can even analyze your clothes or size up your belly. How you carry yourself in relation to your posture, gait and stance says volumes. Our Body Language course goes into great depth and detail to inform you what your body is saying and coaches you on how to convey a more secure self. Take a moment and slump your shoulders, drop your chin and walk across the room shuffling your feet. Seriously, do this. How do you feel? Now, roll your shoulders back, stand up straight, pull your chin up and take a strong and confident stride. How do you feel now? Making the deliberate decision to enter a space with confidence and assuredness can change your vibe internally and therefore convey this confidence to your audience. Women pay attention to these kinds of details, for our primate brains are assessing your ability to carry yourself with the kind of poise that will guarantee your safety and ours.
What can you do about it?
Make sure you’ve read and practiced the coaching tips in the Body Language course. You’ll also benefit from reviewing the Her Body Language materials as well so that you can become more savvy on how her body is chatting with you and is full of useful information. You can start now by becoming more aware of how you enter a room. You can practice this all day- before you enter a meeting, as you step into a restaurant and as you’re walking into a store. Take a deep breath, stand tall and take a confident stride. You’re making progress already.
Speech, Tone and Volume
You’re mouth is the halfway point between your head and your heart. Therefore, what comes leaping (or leaking) out is a mixture of who you really are, who you think you are and the way you want to be seen by others. This can look like a jumbled mess if you aren’t being thoughtful about your speech. In one of my favorite books, “The Four Agreements”, author Don Miguel Ruiz urges readers to “be impeccable with your word”. I find so much truth and wisdom in this statement and find that all too often, people are very unaware of what is coming out of their mouths.
From overcompensating with vocabulary that you don’t know how to use (or is inappropriate in the setting), loud, obnoxious volume to angry and judgmental curse words, I see it take all kinds of incarnations. (By the way, I’m not telling you anything that I don’t need to remind myself; my sharp tongue has left more than a few marks on undeserving recipients.) The words you use, how you use them and how you let your thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions be known is a critical part of how you’re received in the world.
What can you do about it?
Be thoughtful, not fearful about your speech. Understand that the intention behind the words you use are almost more powerful than the words themselves. It does come down to HOW you say things if you want to demonstrate confidence. Keep a few things in mind: project your voice and annunciate your words clearly; mumbling and jumbling your words is not only difficult to hear, but a sign that you don’t want to be heard. Speak at a moderate, calm pace; nervous dialog make us nervous. Don’t interrupt others; this is another sign of compensation and climbing on others for attention. Limit your use of curse words; I’m all for an appropriate F bomb, but overuse of them is not classy or sophisticated. Only use vocabulary that you’re comfortable with; don’t try to over speak to impress others, it will come across fake and contrived. Review the Communication lessons on this site and practice…then be willing to ask for feedback from trusted people, they’ll tell you the truth.
Looks and Body
Are looks that important? Do women care about weight? You’re damn right we do…but not for the reasons you may think. It’s a sign of your confidence, or lack thereof.
Right about now, you’re thinking that I’m suggesting that looks are everything and if you’ve got it, you’re in and if you don’t then you’re assed out. This assumption only scratches the surface and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Let me make it simple: we care about how you look and the confidence you exude when you’re taking care of yourself because it’s a sign of your sense of personal value. When you genuinely value yourself, you have passion and vitality. This vitality will ensure that you’re around a lot longer. If you’re around longer, then we get to enjoy your company, companionship and love much longer. This taps into the primate nature of the female brain. It appeals to my sense of security, because if you’re strong, healthy and full of vitality, then you’ll be a better provider for me and future offspring. This is how we’ve survived as a species and plays a giant role in the man we choose.
Don’t freak out, it’s part of our hard wiring and we’ll go into more depth in our Primate Brain Track. The skinny of it is that women are always sizing men up according to what kinds of providers and fathers they’ll be. When women are partially incapacitated through the birthing process, it’s essential that she has a support system to care for her while she’s vulnerable. Though many single women have found alternative ways around this in modern times through family, friends and hospitals, it’s in our nature to seek it from the Baby Daddy. When we are assured that you’ll be around in the future, we feel safer. When we feel safer, we are relaxed, easy going and overall much better company. Suffice it to say that it comes back to bringing more joy and happiness to my life.
I am not saying that you need to spend 4 hours in the gym everyday and be obsessive about your looks (by the way, when that becomes your life, you’re not doing other things that balance you more and make you more attractive to us). What I am saying is that by taking the time to take care of yourself in the form of a balanced diet and exercise, that you’re demonstrating that you value yourself and are willing to make the lifestyle choices that support your wellness. When you are well, I am relaxed and not worried about your welfare. When I am not stressed, I can put my energy into taking care of you in other ways, if you know what I mean.
On a bit of a side note: one of the reasons why unkept, overweight disorganized and apathetic guys turn us off is because we know that this is a sign of a lack of personal confidence. A guy who lacks confidence is challenged by a sense of low self worth. The love of a woman can do wonders for assisting men to trust and believe in themselves more, but we don’t really want to play therapist (and you resent us when we do). Believe me, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. This isn’t to say that you have to come to us all healed up and uber secure, it’s a call to make some progress. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and come into a relationship with a bit less baggage, a little more self esteem and a lot more confidence that you have something genuinely valuable to offer.
Women are very forgiving when it comes to a little extra weight. We are able to remain attracted to you, despite some extra acreage if we see that you’re still putting out the effort toward your overall health. When you resign to the pudge and poor choices, we see that you’ve given up and are resting on your laurels that we will always be around. Taking us for granted is a kiss of death. When you stop caring, in some subconscious way, we stop caring a bit too. This shows up in your The things that we do to that attract and satiate you (think consistently shaved legs) start to go by the wayside. This is how many couples wind up in my office 10 years later, in their overweight, hairy, sexless, passionless marriages. Each partner has a role here and it can start with either party, but the results are similar.
I had an experience similar to this in a previous relationship, except I didn’t mirror his apathy. When we started out, he was a very active and athletic guy, and despite the fact that he carried a bit more weight than I would have preferred, I was attracted to his healthy lifestyle, not his waistline. Fast forward 5 years to our then steady and consistent relationship, his sedentary, boring office job and an ever-expanding pant size. He was in a passionless job and he settled into a mundane existence. Instead of feeling invigorated at the end of the day, he was totally energetically spent and had nothing left over for self-care. He was asleep shortly after dinner and I had no playmate.
Meanwhile, I was at the height of personal confidence, excitement about future and my appearance reflected this passion. My actions supported the kinds of things that people who value themselves and their health do…they make the lifestyle choices that ensure vitality, energy and wellness. My eventual lack of attraction didn’t come from the fact that I was grossed out by his extra pounds, it was that he lacked the energy to experience life together. Couple this with the sense that he’d given up on himself and the initial attraction I had for him began to wane. I saw a future similar to those awful sitcoms where the big guy lands the beautiful woman and they spend their lives mismatched and compromised. Though our relationship didn’t last, thankfully, he eventually began to pay more attention to this as a newly single guy. Hopefully, he’s now found a regimen that he can maintain and a life direction he’s excited about to reestablish his dedication and commitment to self-care.
What can you do about it?
You don’t have to lose the girl before you make some changes. Begin by making a pledge to your health and your longevity. If curls for the girls motivate you, I’m not here to say that this the wrong approach. However, your physical health is something that will be with you regardless of whether you have a woman in your life. Supporting your body will mean that it supports you to participate in life’s fulfilling activities.
Start with taking asking yourself the following questions:
1. Decide what kind of workout excites you. Don’t go to the gym if you can’t stand the thought of working out indoors. Don’t spend the money on an expensive mountain bike if you’ll only go when the weather is perfect. You’re setting yourself up for making excuses and fail before you even get the chance to start. Instead, look at what kinds of activities motivate you the most and seek outlets in your area that fit within your schedule (2 major excuses many make) that you can commit to.
2. Start off with reasonable goals. Don’t commit to a 5 day per week regimen if you’re currently not working out at all. Start with 2 days per week for the first 3 weeks and once you feel the benefits and confidence that comes from achieving this goal, you’ll be motivated to increase it gradually.
3. Decide what your barriers are and eliminate them. Ask yourself what are the excuses you tell yourself when it comes to exercise. Some common kinds are: time, money or lack of motivation. Look for solutions instead of convincing yourself of all the reasons it’s impossible for you to work out. If it’s lack of motivation you lack, seek a workout partner or look into joining a group so that your commitment to someone outside of yourself can keep you going when your own spark fades.
Like everything we’re offering, approach this from a fun-seeking perspective and you’re more likely to stick with it. This is more about evaluating and revamping your lifestyle habits for long term gains and the woman part will take care of itself. It’s pretty basic: when you take care of yourself, and carry yourself in a manner that demonstrates self-respect and worth, we notice. That’s the kind of confident man we are craving, begging and yearning for…take heed and it won’t take much to stand out from your competition.
Now, it’s onto learning from jerks to build your confidence…